Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Read with monotone. That's how I wrote it.

Thanks to all those concerned about me changing my page and the very nice comments in general. I never thought of changing my page. I’m not sure how that falsitude got released or misconstrued into the vast stream of media presented here, but I’d like to stop all of that now – never thought of doing that. But again, thanks sa much for the caring comments, as though something large and changeful were going to occur and no one wanted to see that happen, and again, those were nice sentiments.

Yeah, well really I just have no care about anything right now. I guess in layman’s terms that would be know as ‘depression.’ I am always confused by this classification because ‘depression’ to moi means crying, bawling and generally being a bitch to live with. Turns out feeling nothing, caring about nothing, actually feeling cranky because of said nothingness-feeling is in fact ‘depression.’ After all, it is not elation, no not near it, nor could it be described as happiness, which as we all know is in fact ‘normal’ (well elation would certainly be under the category of ‘manic’ but I for one haven’t had that one for a while.) So if a person bears the mark of manic-depressive as a human being you know been deemed so by licensed mental illness deemer or two or five, certainly it is clear what in fact feeling nothing really is -nothing=depression- and it is, after all, so dang important to figure these things out.

I contemplate discerning and recording my moods, on a three times a day basis. It is mere contemplation mind you, but some say that's awfully damn important and all people with messed up moods should do it. I've never done it once, hell I don't know what I'm feeling this moment, so what do I care about a calender full of up, down and all around? I state my every word blandly and for no reason at this very moment. Yet, I can write a lot about it, break it into several paragraphs for your easy reading enjoyment. Is this enjoyful for you? I couldn't care less.

As long as I live there will be some need to classify, or pick apart, or have to have some idea of what I'm feeling, what my mood is and I am frickin' tired of it.

It’s important, at this juncture, plainly, to classify my feelings as I know the internet world is living on bated breath to how I’d classify myself today.

I slept until 12:30 p.m. today, quickly dressed and the did the makeup thing (which always takes longer than it 'should'), spent hours at the hair salon, my credit card was not accepted twice (not of my fault, I assure you), so took care of the payment otherwise. Came home to tear a new hole for the credit card company – that was fairly successful as I got the chance to listen intently to an explanation from them and got to say my favorite phrase for the day, “Well, frankly I don’t want to sound cruel but that sounds like a big load of crap (melarkey?) to me.” That is a direct quote and it just got better from there. I sometimes get asked by family members to take over their ‘company ripping a new one’ needs and I am glad to do it, since it uses my fantastic communication and reception skills that I spent years slaving in underpaid employment conditions and yet are so sadly underused these days, and frankly, its just fun.

Then I bowled. First two games were forgettable. Last game was my bowling high. Go figure. What a day. End.


Raine said...

awwww Tart you didnt have to join me

Patient Anonymous said...

Depression doesn't always mean you're bawling your eyes out or so full of woe you're throwing tantrums. Complete flat effect applies also.

I used to mood chart. Then I didn't. Then I did again. Then I didn't. My charting ability seemed to match my moods.

I've gone from completely irritable to not giving a crap long did it take...four hours? Maybe less?

Take care,

Cheesemeister said...

I tend to get into those crappy low-grade depressions a lot. Then I start wanting my emotions back. The flat feeling sucks almost as much as the heart-rending ones.