Wednesday, January 17, 2007

A Bipolar Missive to the Universe

When I started this thing, my year anniversary is coming up next month, I just wanted to be really and truly honest and help a person or two.

The best posts, I *think*, that I've done were right from the heart, not really caring what anyone thought, what anyone would say. If I ever got lucky that they touched someone, well I will never know the secret formula to that.

So what's on Tart's mind at the moment? I can say that it is how horribly I do not feel like anyone else at all. How I feel that no would could/should relate to me as it just seems that my life is bizarre and there has never been anyone that relates to my particular brand of weirdness.

I'm still bitter that I can't find anyone LIKE me, no one who's had a couple of cruel, utterly diabilitating psychoses and yet did live (and live well, frankly), no one who lives with their mother AND their husband, no one who is simultaneously smart as a whip and mentally ill (and yet who STILL does not understand their illness). Can't find anyone screwed as hard by Social Security but did live to tell about it, no one else who lives like an f*n hermit but still can't figure out how to clean the d*mn house. I'm sure there's people who will say, "That's nothin' honey," others, "Holy cr*p, you are weird!" and I'm not naming everything that's wrong with me either, but if there is a point, it just may be, "What's the point?".

It is so amazing what people think when they look at each other. I really don't know what people think when they look at me, but I laugh at how normal it all goes in the outside world, how enough makeup can make you seem as stupidly normal as every one else because you look like others, when inside you'll never feel that way because you AREN'T normal. As long as you don't make a fuss, or commit a crime, or just keep to your f*n self no one's ever going to be the wiser to your existence or care.

UhnH! And write cr*p like this on the internet?! Who sends it out, when it does no Earthly good?

The fact is, we are all scr*wed up - in different ways, but oh yes - we are all screwed up just the same. I understand that, but with relatively no contact with people wanting to talk about it (feelings? problems? average people don't talk about these things, no?), I just want to say it's a schiszm in my personal foundation as a human being, just feeling many things wrong with me and feeling quite sure that I will never have a handle on it, never know what the h*ll is going on (am I supposed to be equipped with an emotio-meter, always knowing what the heck is happening with me?) And why? Nobody gives a cr*p about feelings anyway. Pretending they utterly don't exist seems the way to go. This is why I stay away from people, because I can't pretend most of the time.

I pity, in fact, the ones that think that everything is okay, and they don't have any lowlife problems. They are probably under 25, and honey, watch out - life goes on for a lonnnnggg time. :)

Perhaps it is a weakness to feel so d*mn much. However, the Bible, Jesus, clearly stated that the weak will get the power. Watch out world, imagine those bipolars who managed to survive who've been sitting in a sopping wet puddle of feelings so long, not allowed to express it - what then of all the foolishness that the 'previously' powerful have been dabbling in? All of the b*llshit Type-A activity, all the bomb throwing, all of the stupid inability to see past the ethnic hatred that would turn the world into a knarly physical black hole, the no-give, 'I'm taking because I've got the power' thinking (this goes from politics to how you run your home), all of it out the window when the sweet and the weak (nice bipolars) take over. Point is, crazily enough, they are going to make everthing better. (Hmph, thought for the day.)

Course it won't be me or any of the other bipolars who have that evil side, cussin' up a storm and sending so much hate mail to the Lord. I know He's forgiving, but how we test! I can't help it, I am sometimes full of vile rage and I don't think that fits in the sweet and weak plan. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't mind being fit into a better paradigm, that is, if there's room.

But that doesn't mean right now is any better.

1 comment:

Cheesemeister said...

I've often felt it was a curse to feel so much too, but I think it's better than being a sociopath or one of those plastic, horrible people that thinks they are superior to others and makes fun of others' handicaps. That is a true curse!