Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Bad 'dreams' make reality so nice.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety of late.

I fear the 'motor' is starting to roll. That it's trying to spark the ignition.

Last night is the first night in a looong time that I actually screamed out in the middle of the night, scaring the heck out my husband, and then I would fall right back to sleep according to him.

I would hardly remember doing it, if he hadn't told me about it. He even considered screaming out loud at me out of frustration to show me how it feels (yes he told me this), except he knows that I don't do it on purpose. But bless him, his sleep was massively messed up due to the fact that this was going on.

I feel a little like I could lose it. Knowing that I have had the capacity in the past to do so in the past, scares me.

How many people know what its like to be as sober and with it as can be, in reality, interacting with the world on one hand and doing so for many years and also know that if enough stress builds up, if the bottom seems to fall out for some reason, there is the possibility of being in an entirely other place.

A place where most people just don't, just can't allow themselves to go. The land of psychotica. I have been there a total of three actual documented times and it was Hell. Pure Hell.

And I fear that I could go back there again and even worse, to tell you the truth. Lose all sense of who I am. Lose all sense of who anyone is, except the closest of family, hoping and praying with every beat of my heart that it will be over and hoping that I can return to having some semblance of what is normal for other people.

You can ask Tracy, my husband, my friends, even aquaintances that barely know me, I am a sweet almost glowy person or personality. I am kind, empathetic, loving, you name it and you would Never Guess that I've got this monkey on my back, that I take a slew of drugs every day, three times a day to keep the monster at bay.

For the short term, the monster seems like a small under-current - keeping the moods even, keep me up to speed with the intelligence God gave me. For the long term, the monster is threatening, frightening and can be intimidating if you think about it - keeping another psychotic episode from happening.

For all the years I have had this blog, this is the first post I believe where I even describe a little what psychosis is like for me. I never get specific, that is years worth of thought to tumble out anyway.

In all my years of being alive I've never found one just like me, someone who had to be labeled Bipolar I because of these mind blowing episodes. I've been able to live like they don't happen because so much time has passed between now and the last one.

I must admit reading someone's blog who had recently been through it, must have triggered me in some way. It's not so far away. It's still a part of me.

A part I can't scream out in reality to real people and say 'I have mental illness' the way some people say 'I have cancer' and illicit the same sympathy. Why the heck would you say you have mental illness to someone?

But the PT people ask me what I do these days and I said I work part time. And then they are asking what I do and I say bake. And that intrigues them, unfortunately.

And they are asking me all these questions and none of my answers make real sense because I can't just say (or FEEL so strongly that I cannot say) well, the person who got the grant for this has mental illness and she wanted to provide a job opportunity for people with mental illness. Period.

That is the reason and it would be so simple to say, except that there are all types of people in that room, not just the PT people who seem to really like me, and the one doctor there who I told I was bipolar already too, so its very uncomfortable.

That is the world we live in. It's the one I live in, I think. The same one where I am screaming in my sleep and dying to get it out so badly that I'll spill here. I set up my blog so that bipolars could come and relate and there you have it.

But I'm so much much more than 'just a bipolar' as all of us are so much more than what our ailments are. Sometimes, or maybe for some, even more than sometimes, we are much much better than what our ailments want to do to us. I have been lucky to learn that from some wonderful people, like you blog friends.:)

I truly hope that everyone in blog land has a great day. I'll try to make the rounds. It takes me forever but I'll get there.

Love, Tart:)


Mike Golch said...

Ouch, I have had days like that. Big Time Hugs.
I hope that you are having a good day today! Mike G. said that.(It's an A.A.thing of mine)

Tracy said...

(((Tart))) I cry as i read this. I am proud you are able to write what you have. I have lots to say, and will do so soon. In the mean time know you are loved, and I care! I will be calling you tomorrow sweet Tart. (((((Tart)))))

Jena said...

I have to make this comment without reading others' comments first... I can't get distracted...

What you wrote absolutely captivated every part of my heart and soul. As I'm asking God so many questions he keeps showing me interesting things, everywhere. But this post, even more than your last, is extremely compelling because as you're typing what's on your heart in such passion and conviction, You're also relating to me in a way that you can't possibly know because you don't know me except for what's on my blog.

Somehow you've had this stream of thoughts, one right after another. I couldn't stop reading. I couldn't avoid a single word, because I felt like someone actually understands and actually knows my thoughts on this illness. Feeling like there's a facade that could disappear at any moment, feeling vulnerable and seeing warning signs. I get it. Right down to the musings of experiencing of the diagnosis and psychosis (that would be varying between us though). The madness and the fear. We may be in different situations and different life stages and have all kinds of other differences but I relate entirely to what this post says.

In fact I've even been thinking about how people who are bipolar end up with their first psychotic experience? Mine only happened this year. It's a mystery to me.

Anyway, you've helped me feel like I'm not alone. And I want you to know that you're not alone either. I'm here. All this whole community of bloggers who have bipolar... are all here. What a unique support system!

I am struggling with nightmares and migraines as a result as well. Not the waking up in the middle of the night, but remembering everything in the morning. It's horrible. I hope that it passes for both of us, soon. We can pray for each other.

I was just really touched by your post. I'm glad you shared your thoughts. You are a blessing to those around you, it's really apparent. Sometimes I wish some of us bloggers could just be friends in real life.

Take care, hope you have a better day.
Love, Jena

Hopefulsl said...

Just because you were told that you have bi-polar shouldn't be any different to say out loud like you can cancer or any other illness.
I tell people all the time that i have mental issues, and they look at me funny and say they didn't know that i did!!!! Our world is crazy, and i have to tell them that just because a doctor has not told me, i just say that i do in this crazy life of mine, and if i do not get it together i will be put in a looney toon place before i know it.
Of course they look at me and start laughing. So i say to you, That in a way you are saying it out loud here on blogger land. Yes i know its different but, it still has to fill better that you were able to tell all of us!!!! Now i will be praying that it doesn't go to that ugly place you were telling us.
"PSYCHOTICA" Hang in there, and Tracy has told me what a loving and wonderful person you are. Nice to know that you are telling the truth! Hee,Hee.......Glad that i am one of your blogger friends.
(((((Hugs))))) My Friend!

'Tart said...

Hugs to you, Mike.:) I hope you have a great day!

Thank you, Tracy.:) I look forward to talking with you and I appreciate your love. You are so wonderful. I mean it.

You have touched my heart. At the minimum, I started to cry when you said this post helped you not feel alone. That is all I ever wanted with this blog. So it makes me cry tears of joy.

I was truly afraid someone would tear me up for writing what I really felt at the moment. I do feel better now, not so much on the edge of losing it, I have been around people the last few days and it has helped. But your comment has touched my heart and I thank you so much for writing honestly from yours. You help me do the same on my blog.

LOL! You go girl for being you and telling people how it is. I do feel better. I am not going to the psychotic place today, I'm alright. You are right, I do feel better letting it all hang out here and much more so because of all the support I have received from people like you. Thank you so much!:)

Thank you all for commenting. God bless and I hope things are well for each of you.:)

Jena said...


Raine said...

You know I tell people all the time. They dont believe it. Not really. Well actually I run into two kinds. Those that back away and disappear or those that dont really think there is anything to it and dont get that on bad days I dont come out so think I am just " a little moody" and say all the classic stupid crap none of us ever want to hear. I have never had a psychotic break such as you have had and I never want to. The possibility is always there for all us and know that. Every once in a while I cant close my eyes cause I see these really hostile colored blob things ........ I've seen a hallucinatory cat type thing in a restaurant.......... so even tho I havent been there....... just how far is it? you know? We all walk a very thin line. I've visited Dr. Frankenstein and his electodes. You've visited bedlam. Lets both try and stay right here where we are be greatful. (((((((((Tart))))))