Friday, January 9, 2009

A little Serenity.

West Highland Terrier, Webshots
Cougar in Winter, Montana, Webshots

Carrizo Plain National Monument, California, Webshots

I woke up very early this morning. My life is different without Seroquel ~ I can actually get up in the morning and I think I have a fighting chance at losing some weight. It’s amazing how one’s life can change.

I thought about if I had had a kid a couple of years ago, how they would have seen their Mom struggle to get up in the morning. I think about what could be, if I try a little harder to at least be up in the morning and then maybe to work out more.

It isn’t complete laziness, it was the medication and depression that kept me a sleeping beauty for years. I have worked hard in the past, worked at jobs, getting my degree, working jobs again. I have had a weird setback or more in life and it has taken babysteps to get back on the right path. It seems I dropped out of life and am trying to slowly get back in it on my terms. It’s a slow process.

I can do some things, just not all things that a job requires. I am finding my own way in what I can handle and what I cannot. The wise words ‘to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can’ come to mind. These words are finally beginning to seep in.

It’s true that it’s easy to lose ‘focus’ when you are home all the time. But you also redefine what ‘focus’ means. The things I want to do. The things I am capable of doing.

And I am thankful that I don’t have to answer to much of anyone throughout the day, except to keep myself busy and to keep my life going. Because it would upset others if I quit, even if I get to point that I think quitting myself is a not a big deal. I’m so lucky because I have that balance and freedom.

A friend told me yesterday that when she is at home and has to take care of things, she does one thing that she doesn’t like to do, and then rewards herself with things she does like to do, even it’s playing a game of solitaire on the computer. Some small reward. That is good advice for getting going when you don’t want to ~ have something backed up as a reward that you like to do to get over it.

Got the cat on my lap right now.

I’m into Suze Orman of late. In other words I read some downloaded material this morning. I’m just glad to be able to read and process at this time. I used to love reading and could suck in reading material. Now I admit I am getting back into the groove again.


Mike Golch said...

Tart,Good for you!!! Hugs my friend.

Tracy said...

Hugs tart, i think your friend is pretty smart. I like her way of thinking! Good on the reading. I am just now reading that book i told you about Healing waters? lol It is already touching some touching spots in my soul, and i am only on the first chapter. I think it is going to be one of those books that is life changing. We shall see. :) big time hugs sent your way!

'Tart said...

Thanks guys! Hugs to you both!

Tracy, that book sounds interesting. I have to hold off on buying anything right now, but I am very interested to hear how that book goes for you.

Reading really is a gift, isn't it? Like I said, I am slowly being able to process and stay on course. I'll be so happy when I stop starting books and finish one!:):)

Wanda's Wings said...

I can so relate to your post. One day at a time and changes are made. But it sounds like you are doing a great job. I can only take Seroquel when I'm really manic. How did you get off it totally?

'Tart said...

Dear Wanda,
I'm on tons of mood stabilizers, no anti-depressants as that will cause mania in me, and I had taken anti-psychotics for over 25 years.

I got put on Seroquel as an anti-psychotic and to help sleep. I had been on it for a few years after some changes from my original thoriazine (very old-school) to Xyprexa (nasty, nasty drug. Such unbelievable weight gain) to the Seroquel. Like I said, that happened over a few years.

Anyway, I was eating too much on the Seroquel (cravings at night after I took it) and I could easily sleep till Oprah time (4 oclock around here). I had years of sleeping practically all day. I decided I wanted to be Off it.

My pdoc had been asking me why I was on the Seroquel each time I went to apptments, something about Abilify having some anti-psychotic properties, I *think,* and I would be 'safe' without the Seroquel.

So we weaned me off it. I forget what mgs. I went to from 100 (by the way, I had been on at least 200 mgs at some point) but at one point the pdoc said take it one day and then not the next and then take it the next day, for 2 weeks.

I got sick of that after 3 days, the up and down, the being able to wake up one day and being asleep the next that I got off it entirely. No more. That was late Nov. early Dec. 2008.

I found it hard to fall asleep without it, or if not that, to STAY asleep w/out it. I would wake up in the middle of the night and would be awake until 5 in the morning and then I would sleep for hours. Now I take a Lunesta when things are looking like I won't sleep and because Seroquel's not drugging me I can still get up in the morning. Honestly, lately I get up early, then go back to bed for a little while.

Sorry for the long story. I've been taking meds for a long time and they have sometimes changed over the years, like I'm sure they do for many people.

I hold onto the bottle of Seroquel in case I 'need' it, but unfortunately by the time I would realize that I'm psychotic I think it would be too late. I'd be in lala land and going into the hospital. My big manias are psychotic manias and they are thankfully few and far between. I also get excited, happy manias too, but I let the mood stabilizers even them out.

I wrote ya a book!! I hope this helps answer your question.:)