Thursday, May 29, 2008

Trying to Stop Hating Myself or 'Being Selfish and liking it'

There will be a big flap amongst people who read this because we don’t want to imagine that perfectly sane beings can hate themselves. Or at least it’s disconcerting and would you just not talk about that?

I consider myself mostly a ‘right’ person, a together person that has an illness. And I get mad at the illness. And that getting mad at the illness could be considered hating myself, since the illness cannot be divided from me.

I get angry for all the things I can’t do, the things that have slipped through my fingers, the things I seemingly can’t have. I get angry, I get frustrated, I get sad. Is that depression? No wonder I personally can’t pinpoint a mood. There ARE so many.

What I think of myself is the most important thing.

I am left to myself most days, here in the house. And the illness, the thinking of oneself could be called ‘selfish’ (but I try to be mostly self-deprecating: the adverb of disparaging or belittling onself, the basis of all good blogging as far as I'm concerned!)

It’s all about me and trying to figure out me, how to live with it, sometimes it is that huge and overwhelming - and wants Years of Me time.

I’m not hurt by the word ‘selfish’ at the moment. Which should come as a shock since in woman-world to be called ‘selfish’ is one of the most degrading, mean things that you can do.

Is it selfish to take care of oneself only (because that's mostly all you can do), to have no children (except pugs) to speak of, to be babied to a point where it’s okay to write and blog all day and never clean the house (perjorative question) Oh I do get some things done and that’s a huge issue. Oh some people are seething saying yes, yes, yes!

But I doooooo count! You can discount me, you can bad mouth me, you can be jealous and make me uncomfortable. But I have just as much worth as the next gal. That cannot be taken away.

I do some things. I do what I can do. And if that’s my life at the moment, then selfish must be okay. Yes, I can imagine some people’s shock at that statement and I am standing behind it. I’ve got to pick a side and for me that side has GOT to be me.

I’ve worked my whole life, and I had to stop. I know what stressors are out there, yet I think about wanting to do it again despite being on disability and having a serious chronic illness. I’ve gone to college, enjoyed it, completed it, which is a feat. I’ve actually married my main love, which is a feat.

I have to stop being angry at myself at my life and have some semblance of acceptance and be okay with whatever I can accomplish. For newbies, I’ve already accomplished much, I just hit an enormous years-long bump in the road recently, so very frustrating for me.

I think I have been holding myself back trying to be and imagine a life like what I imagine everybody else’s is like (and therefore what my life should be like as well). Which probably isn’t like they portray it to be anyway!

If I post this, it will be one of the most honest posts I’ve had in a while because I’ve started an exploration. And I’ve picked a side. Me! My side!

I have to be right against, what, what may be only my perceived notions of the pressures that women want to put on me.

Be a mommy, join our club, our sorority, and if you’re not, we’ll taunt and be mean to you, pity you, or be jealous of you forever.

It makes you want to get fat and old so they’ll stop pointing the finger at you. It’s a thorn in my side for a continuous basis, for only so many years.

Not so, actually. If I get slim and sexy they’ll hate me for that. They’ll hate me like they hate the celebrities who make a priority of getting skinny and have nannies, chefs, trainers and the like.

So, celebrities are often considered selfish because they had to pick “Me” over whatever from everyone else who wants to pull them down. Not all the time. Not all people, but always enough to hear it bitched on the tabloids and to sell the tabloids.

Am I a celebrity? Nope. But I’ve got enough time to do what I want and pretend to be one in the sense that I am ‘selfish,' I just need to have dinner on the table by 7, and Baby, I cook it myself.


MYSTI said...

I love this post Tart because not only is it honest, but truly helps others not feel so alone. I think we as woman do tend to think it taboo to be selfish and focus on ones self. Personally thinking i feel that it is one of the healthiest things one can do. If you take care of you... you become confident, and self assured, as well as emotionally happy allowing one to then do for others.

Nothing selfish in what you are doing. You are a beautiful woman inside and out, and you should take care of you. If you don't who will?

I am very proud of you Tart! And wooooohooo on dinner.

Hugs and blessings

'Tart said...

Dear Mysti,
Thank you for this feedback. I really appreciate it! And it makes me feel better too.

Raine said...

You know I recently realized that alot of the criticism I blamed on others was actually coming from myself. The one who really thinks I should be back at work ? It isnt the general public or my family or my friends- its me. Those are my thoughts and feelings about myself. I have always attributed them to everyone else but the reality is that they dont hate me for being bipolar and disabled by it- I hate me for that and thats what I have to resolve.

'Tart said...

I love this comment because I totally relate to it. It just makes me think, "Yes! I relate to what you are saying!" What I also wonder is why are these feelings so strong, if no one is really embedding them in me but me? Am I just 'sensitive' as everyone wants to say? Or where does it come from and why do these beliefs last so long?

I am not sure how to resolve it either, but I am so glad you iterated it here on my blog. Thank you.:)

Jena said...

I love that you came out and just said what you felt and were totally honest and authentic. There's nothing more refreshing than an authentic piece of writing.

I don't think you're selfish. I think you're recognizing that you have needs too. :)