Shining through the medication, the illness

Two personal doctor's visits gave interesting results, for me this week.

First, the pdoc, and the quest to stop the tarkinesia in my jaw and shaking of the hands continues. He wanted to take me off of Lithium, altogether. I started to cry. I am attached to my Lithium, we've been friends for twenty years, I wasn't ready to sever our ties so soon.

Turns out, my doctor had been weaning me away from my friend, putting me in a dose that he said was now out of therapeutic range. The rascal never told me what he was up to. It's like your dad not letting you see your main friend and then informing you they are moving away entirely.

But crying works with cops and pdocs, and he's letting me stay on that 'untherapeutic' dose for a little longer. I keep thinking if they want to up it, it will be in my system and easier to get to a good dose. (Silly me.) Meanwhile, he ADDED a NEW DRUG:

Called Atenenol. This is a beta-blocker, supposedly good for my high blood pressure, and in the mentally ill world, my anxiety.

It's day 4 on that drug and I still have every bit of my tarkinesia. I don't know about my blood pressure. So, keep on truckin', Girlfriend, that's what I tell myself.

Then, yesterday I saw the optometrist. Their main concern were tests taken right in the midst of my toxicity and they were bad. So bad, that the letter that they finally sent to me asking me to come back for tests, said I could go blind if I suffered from a lot of hypertension. So that worked, I made an appointment the day letter received.

So, I did the vision fields again, the glaucoma tests, the dilation of the eyes. The conclusion: my vision fields was normal COMPARED to the CRAZY and very unreliable outcome during toxicity. I saw the charts. It was nearly unbelievable. Also, my retinas are fine (looking for signs of hypertension) BUT the natural pressure on my eye was high, which can someday push on the optical nerve, causing glaucoma. Oh, happy day.

I don't worry, because we're not there yet. And I'm told there is nothing I can do, no exercise, no vitamin will help. And I can see now, albeit with glasses or contacts. But I'm still 'crying' dilation drops from yesterday. Whatever.

I believe that God has been giving me a Hand up even through my trials. It's hard to drive and drive loved ones around with anxiety, but I do it. I'm lucky because I have been given a chance to slow down life for myself, analyze my life a little and as usual, try to do something about it. I have been physically beaten down of late, with actual hospital stays being an obvious one, to colds that won't go away, to a jaw that won't stop shaking constantly, to worry that is probably bordering on the ridiculous but doesn't get all that much better. My back has been bothering me again, too.

Through it all, where is there to go? What do you do? I have been reminded deeply through reading the Bible (specifically we're at The Gospel According to John, Chapter 8), conversations with my friend, Mysti and portions of her actual blog, that He is telling me to rise up and tackle it all again. This is a message that we can all use. He hasn't forgotten little ol' me, and in fact, thinks of each of us. It was unreal how a message came out to me, and I feel very blessed that that can happen.

I have been afraid to reach out, myself, to go to other blogs. I have been sick, yes, and that's one reason why. I'm trying to limit my time blogging (hah! ineffectually, I assure you!). But I live a life of near aloness now, for my personal sanity - as I mostly seem to like it and now seem pretty accustomed to. Sure I've got a husband, pets, a Mom that's Really nearby, a friend or two on the phone. These are all people that my senses are blunted to, that are okay, that don't get me going. In real life, I swear I get all manicy with small encounters with people. I can't imagine how I did my last job, dealing with funeral homes was often the worst, or the people around me. I have closed in, since that time for sure.

This is not something that the average normal person can imagine. But I hear it's from my illness, so that is not normal. I may try to reach out, slowly. But understand that it hurts, that it is scary and I cry now even as I think about it. Oh, those those yellow dilation drop tears. :)