Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Who's 'silent?' and new things comin'

I got one of those 'thirty zillion things about you' emails, you know - friend fills it out about them, then you're supposed to fill out about you and send it back. I got a shock when one of the questions was 'Who amongst all your friends is the most silent?' and my friend said me.

I know I have this 'problem,' being silent or closing up, shutting down, or even not sharing. Most of the time when it gets pointed out to me, I am shocked some, mostly because I don't think of other people trying to figure me out or thinking of me. But when I get over those things, it doesn't really shock me that I'm perceived that way.

It's a defense mechanism. Darlings, its part of being bipolar.

I 'have to' shut down in an effort to protect me.

Perhaps its because I'm sensitive and it doesn't take much for me to get hurt, but I do, get hurt that is. So what does one do to protect from that? They shut down, don't share, close up and stay in some safe location and busy themselves with other things. Thankfully, there are other things for a person like that to busy themself with.

Oh I'm delightful, a wonderful person. But so many people are judgemental hags and hagamerers and it feels to me to be just not be worth it. In my mind that is their loss, but sure it hurts anyone to be alone endlessly.

Turns out that many bipolars have a problem with 'antisocial behavior.' Honestly, I don't think its going to far to say that it's just hard to be those intelligent creative types (perhaps I am only describing myself), but its certainly d*mn hard to live with this illness. Hard on the person, hard on anyone around them. You do need a support system, and that's something to hone and get, which thankfully I've got, but after that people can just go to hell.

I say all that because in the history of this blog, I don't think I've touched on that particular topic. And I think A) I'm not the only one, B) it's worth talking about because it's a real issue. We need to stop being embarassed or not talking about our issues because people die never knowing how alike and similarly smitten we are!

It's just the way we get sometimes, like sometimes we get elated as h*ll, we get depressed as h*ll, we bawl, we laugh ~ and sometimes all of this in a 20 minute period.

You can't live a life like that and not have some introspection or for that matter blind acceptance. To suffer so much, one cannot help but ask questions of why, why do I have this, why God do you hate me so much, when are you going to start helping me, make this STOP. And when you're feeling good, you recognize it so much, (dare I say more than a normie that wasn't crying a few mere minutes ago?) and say a Thank you prayer and then blindly hope it will stay for a while.

So if that sounds fantastic to you, as an outsider, why aren't you knocking the bp's door down every morning to have tea/coffee, or calling all the time, or wanting to be around them all the time. Perhaps they scare you, as they scare themselves. Perhaps nothing in the paragraph above sounded like Garden Club conversation or Game night invitee material. I certainly would question it, if it weren't my life.

So, the upshot is, removal of my person from activities A) keeps me from having to use my social skills which are pretty shot or never existed, granted, but B) most of all is a protection for you, dear outsider, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS? If so, you ARE a fantastic person. If not, don't feel bad, you're just like everyone else.

I am going to be starting some new things, I think. I am thinking of starting a blog of my accomplishments, things I've made, whether it be food, my crochet and other fiber arts and other things (I swear I have more accomplishments, somewhere!). Also I am considering doing some things with Cafepress.com here on the blog. Selectively selling other people's stuff and DRUMROLL...creating my own things for selling.

Also, I am delving into some 'new' arts for myself - relearning knitting, as it is crucial in making some of the things I want to do, and I'm thinking about polymer clay, potentially as something I maaaaybe could sell, if I show a knack. I already know how to crochet.

Also, I still have my burning dream to have a farm, a place of rolling pasture and space. I have been looking into what kinds of animals, etc. I could use to help me afford it all and I am again really excited about alpacas. The industry of caring for and turning precious alpaca fur into yarn and items pretty much fits into everything I love about animals, fiber arts, the whole shebang. Turns out that this is not as crazy or misguided of a dream as one might think, because within mere minutes of me are alpaca farms already living the life and I will be contacting and inquiring with them.

Maybe that one is a big dream. There's no reason not to dream, so I'm gonna.


Raine said...

Alpacas sound cool to me too. I have all the same issues plus I think I have become basically introvereted. I fight with depression so much it just makes me to tired to even try. I just wanna be home and read and crochet. I no longer have any interest in socializing. No interest in going places or doing things. The few times I do go somewhere its only cause someone dragged me out and I only went for their sakes not for mine. I really truly do not want to go. Attempting to act if I am the same as everyone else is just too exhausting. It really really is. I am tired of explaining myself to people who cant possibly understand. I am tired of the need to. I dont want to do it anymore. The few times I do get a spark of interest in something it fades as fast as the hypomania does. I am content in my house. I just want to be left in peace there and have nothing bad happen. Maybe if there were some miracle cure that would change but there hasnt been and thats how I really feel

'Tart said...

I can relate to everything you said, Raine. I am so thankful that you left a response (and so fast!) because, again, this is just proof positive of how much this is something we suffer from.

I looked at every shirt about Bipolar made at Cafepress.com and it really kicked me in the bottom of how much millions of us share common ailments of our illness.

It's so easy for me to write about this because this is me too, my life. And when it gets pointed out to me how much millions are living in embarassment for something that isn't their fault, something we can relate to each other with and something that people do in fact kill themselves over, well it's time to say something. To share. I'm so glad you did too.
Mwanh to you. That's a kiss. You're a lovely lady, Raine.

MYSTI said...

Okay I am not bipolar, but as you have seen my friend, I also get quiet at times. When I don't feel well, I do not like talking, because I do not want to sound whiny and complaining. Also there are times when it hurts to talk. Physically for me, my voice hurts. I have a few friends who are upset with me because they think I no longer care about them. It is so not true. I care, I still care about all my friends. One friend really got upset with me and said that by not calling I worry them more. I wrote a blog about it the other night.

Like you It surprised me hearing what was said. I understand how you feel completely. The only thing I can say is Life tends to lie illnesses at ones feet, and we have to deal with it the best way we can.

Hugs Tart!

Your Friend Mysti

Raine said...

I had the same thing happen Mysti- I became silent for various reasons, one being that at the time I could not trust myself not to tear into people irrationally. I was in a kinda dysphoric depression and if I had spoken would have done harm. Some people dont get it. (((mysti)))) ((((tart))))