Friday, February 23, 2007

Sometimes change is difficult.

It can hurt,

Even though its meant to lead to a better day.

I feel pretty secure that despite things that change in my life, even the ones who swear they are for my own good yet hurt anyway, that I can withstand it.

Bipolar, life, God have all given me that insight because large obstacle's have been shoved in my way, even in my young life, and I have already survived, perservered and conquered.

Withough illicit drugs, without a drop of alcohol, trying very hard not to eat too much, and now not even smoking as a crutch to get thru trying times.

Honestly, I attribute that to the fact that I've been on Dr. recommended, and not abusing, medications that have kept me stable and not craving the next big high or whatever people do it for since the tender age of 16.

Having been raised as a Mormon taught me to be distrustful of the easy or big high. I have to say that I seem to have been innoculated from falling for those things. And I admit I have disdain for others falling for it. I often think if I could keep myself from falling for it, why are people dropping like flies. It makes me think that they are even more morally bankrupt than I thought my life had been, after all I didn't get formal religious anything until age 11.

It's not that I couldn't be potentially friends with someone who boozes, meths, cokes, heroins, or whatever, especially if they are over it but I think most of all my disdain stems from being put into 'mental/rehab' institutions where both species mix and have to endure each other.

Always there is new evidence that bipolar goes hand in hand with alcoholism, or everybody's self treating themselves because its really stemming from a mental illness. I think they should specify from an untreated mental illness because frankly I feel the druggies/alchies lower the clientelle in a mental hospital. I am there because I am sick which is bad enough and I frankly resent being shoved in with people who if nothing else are weak. Nice stories, but take responsiblity for your life. Period.

So, as per usual, I digress. There is change going on in my life. Hopefully the end to a very dysfunctional time in my life but still its very weird. And of course, the car issue is ongoing. It has become very clear to me that this country, fair and free as it is in many ways, is a reamer of the innocent, truly indifferent to the victim. I hate dealing with insurance and I'm not going to fight. I'll let my auto shop do that. It's really cool that they do that.


Raine said...

i was one of those "self medicating drug users" years hun. Didn't know I was bi-polar. Didn't even know what the word meant. I wasn't in an institution. I worked 3 jobs at a time, went to night school, then had a successful career. I did take responsibility, decided I didnt care much for some of the choices I made "under the influence" (like getting married repeatedly)didn't like some of the people I had to associate with, didnt like who I was alot of the time.... and I quit. A few years later I have been thru several antidepressants, lithium, ECT and am disabled............then diagnosed bi-polar but hey I'm still clean right?

Raine said...

by the way I quit in approx 96, had two minor slip ups since

'Tart said...

I'm not sorry for my comments on 'using' and I give kudos all over for people who stop those things and deal (with their life).

I don't think my post applies to people who take responsibility. When the docs tell you what you really have and you start taking the legal drugs w/out the whining then you probably can't be in a better place. Except that you suffer daily anyway, despite meds and all of it. Hunh.

So, Raine and I suspect most people on the planet have not had the experience of being in the loony bin, at whatever level, and hearing people who have been there for a while for their 'problem' say things like "I can't wait to take a drink, again. I can't wait to use."

Holy God, that pisses me off. Their prescence is a bona fide waste and I think their insurance should send them the burnt money they burned along with the entire bill.

Meanwhile, there is no doubt in the difference of how it feels to be mentally ill, just ya know, boring mentally ill, and trying to work your best to get out of that hole. While fighting the haze of antipsychotics shot in your ass, cruelty of other patients, body and mind physically tortured by some brain chemical that took you to Pluto and doesn't want to let go. I'm not supposed to know how to stop drooling let alone know how to think, type or even look and live like a 'normal' person again.

I have lived that hell, and no matter what I do, it still often defines me. And if I can't say the truth on my blog, then what's the f'n point??

In the end I've been mentally ill from the get go. I was just 'blessed' and knew it all along. I 'lucked out' in being medicated legally from age 16 on so what a Princess I am for not needing the other crap. And yes, I am honestly a little bitter that I don't get the 'suffered without a single qualude award,' while its so damn cool to be a boozer/pill popper instead of a boring mentally ill person. Don't believe me? Take a walk on the wild side and find out.

Perhaps this clarifies. And I knew my post would piss off someone, but I wouldn't put it out there if I didn't feel that way and lived a life that can back up every word of it.