Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Going to take care of important stuff; I will return

It's been a few days, and I just want to let all in blog land know that I am okay and doing well. The other shoe has not dropped, in the sense that my mother and husband and the love of friends has kept me supported. This support has made it possible for me to throw myself in and make arrangements, phone calls, phone calls, and phone calls, scheduling, all things necessary to have my Father's service. I feel his prescence often, and it doesn't concern me at all, because he was a loving sweet man who wanted nothing but the best for me. So how could I ever fear that? I am grateful for it, I probably crave it.

So I will definitely be off blog for a bit. His service is next week, and we will also be going to another state to go through his things. I know sadness will hit me, the longing to speak to him, which I do anyway (when no one else is around), to tell him I love him and hope that he did not experience pain when leaving for the next life. I am so lucky to know that he loved me and that he knew I love him, regardless of anything, no matter what, even in case of this. We were so not ready for this.

There is no buffer for real pain. God is not going to raise my dead so that I will not be sad. It is harsh. I know this is something I MUST walk through, it is natural, it is unavoidable. In that context, I see my other pain, the bipolar ups and downs, are something that He gave me too. I must go through them, they cannot be taken away.

Conversely, I think that if I don't give up on Him, if I keep hanging in there, He's going to guide me. To where, I still don't know. I am just as imperfect, sinful even, as the next person. That's exactly what he works with. So here I am, waiting, wondering where the journey is going to go. But I'm not going to give up or in. At this point, I'm almost like, "Bring it on!" since I've managed to almost not cry for two days, just out of busyness. I'm thinking this has all been too easy, as I am no stranger to emotional pain. Shouldn't I be shook to my core? So far I'm not. Somehow, I think its okay, I just won't SEE him for a long time, I am going to MISS him forever and I am still hurt by how quickly he went and I could not be with him, but I feel him in my life more than ever, so how can it hurt? I'm being honest about how it is at the moment. I'll update as things go, if anyone wants to chart the grieving process, or me in the middle of it.
And I want to Thank so much for my friends in blogland, your comments, your concern for me and the beautiful tulips. How utterly sweet mysti, thank you so much. :) :) :) What a beautiful time of year, when everything is coming alive, renewing. I am thankful for that. I also think I now adore tulips along with the daffodils that come up in my yard! :) :)

I'll talk soon.



MYSTI said...

You will be missed Tart. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry I missed your call the other day. It was my sons birthday, and he was on my cell phone. I did not know I got a call until the next day. Glad you like the Tulips. I am just so sorry I am not there to personally give them to you. Hugs My friend, and I shall be calling you soon.


Raine said...

My thoughts will be with you while you are gone. I had to do the same thing once and I empathize (((Tart)))

'Tart said...

Thank you both:)
I will be back soon.

wolfbaby said...

I am so sorry for you family's loss and your own. My thoughts will be with you. Take care.

'Tart said...

:) Thank you, wolfbaby.:)

Mark (Lord of the Idiots) said...

My prayers are with you and your family. God Bless.

MYSTI said...

Know that I am thinking of you my friend. ((((Tart)))))

Tart said...

I'm thinking of you too, mysti. It's a wonder, I'll bet we were thinking of each other at similar times too.:)
Well, soooo much work: some done, lots to go, but I WILL be returning on April Fool's Day no less back home.
Believe it or not, this situation is not my only stressor. Boy when the Lord pushes the press it really grinds ALL AT ONCE it seems. That's okay. Call it my bipolar anger but when I get tweaked about it I say, "Bring it on...bring it on." what else can one do? collapse, say no more? I must use my strength and deal and if no one but a few know how much it took out of me, well the Creator knows, I guess that's what matters.:)
I leave this post here as I decide how to go thru my thoughts and whats appropriate. That's why I've left plenty of time and space to come up with my next posts. I did not want to release my every thought, as I am sometimes wont to do, when that just may not be appropriate and something Imay not want in blogspace forevermore. I'm sure most can understand.