Monday, March 5, 2007

Two big Bipolar admissions

I am seeing UT tomorrow.

I have managed to avoid her for months now, but if I don't go they will cut me off and I'm not certain I'm ready for that yet. I'm hoping to determine tomorrow if she in fact has anything helpful to say, or not.

Couldn't sleep tonight for nothing. I think this is because I ingested a whole lot of sugar before bedtime. Yes, I delved into the premade Betty Crocker frosting that I have been holding onto for months.

I think I have come to a couple of very interesting conclusions about the state of me lately. And since they are pretty much bipolar related I'm going to share them here. (Oh, lucky you!:)

I think I know why I overeat at night. Once I take my meds, and the singular med that does it is Seroquel, I finally get the drugged out sleepies. Sadly, as I have mentioned before, I don't get tired without the 'quel, a fact of which usually I am pretty much over because Gosh Darn it, I'm special. So I give in to that (the need for drugs to sleep). BUT there is some part of me (which I could pinpoint the reasons on why for this, too) that does NOT want to go to bed. A part of me that fights that sleepy feeling tooth and nail. So what do I do: I eat. I eat for energy to fight the sleepies, I eat to get my mind off of the sleepies, and I think there's a little bit of plain 'ol destructo in there, too.

Understand, all of this has been unconcious for a very long time. And I believe it was with some introspection after reading some of 'Body Clutter' by FLYLady and friends that helped me to come close to this realization. That is a good book, and of course I'm not nearly finished with it. As a matter of fact, I think I put it down cause it was getting a little too painful.

All right, that's one of my bipolar related revelations. The other is this thing I've been btching and whining about for a long time. Mysti will recognize this about me, because I whine about it to her. And that is the fact that I feel like I have no mentor, no one to take me by the hand, someone who's seen it all, show me the way, and Gosh Darn it, make the path just a little easier. Mysti, you and everyone else will be glad to know that I'm thinking of giving up that little whine. Halleluyah, I know you are saying!!

Why did I want one of those, a nifty little mentor? Partly at least, because I thought I was too weak to lead myself upon the paths of life, I was afraid to take the responsibility of admitting that in fact I've been doing it all along and not a half bad job of it. Also, I believe I am choosing to leave behind the fear that I am screwing things up and am choosing to go ahead and accept the power of being more certain in this area, and that I might be able to lead someone else. Maybe I was meant to want one so bad myself, so that I would know what that same feeling is like for another. And maybe the pain, and the semi-decent ways I've learned to deal with it and rise above it are going to be just what someone else in my life is going to need someday.

And to top it off, I am not alone. I am not walking my path, trying to find my way, alone. I've got family, friends - blog and offblog - that sustain me, watch me, help me through it all, the good, the bad, and the just plain nasty. In fact, I don't have one mentor or one person to help me through and make it a little easier, I have several!

Am I scared to finally take the responsibility and accept and live the power that is being a leader? Holy cow, I sure am. But I know its the right thing to do. So instead of letting myself whine in this particular capacity, I have a new way to think altogether.

I thought about the greats: Kay Jamison, Patty Duke, Winston Churchill and a whole slew more who became leaders, someone to look up to, pushing aside personal fears to lead in some way. I thought, wouldn't it be better to let myself push myself closer to that, rather than whine and not accept the wonderful mentors in my life already? I think so.


Raine said...

you know.... I can get up early... take the freaking seroquel... eat... exercise .... whatever and I still cant go to bed "on time" not unless I take what is a megadose of seroquel for me. One that will knock me out for like 18 hours. No matter what I do I am not going to bed before 1-3 am. Usually more towards 3 sometimes as late as 5. It just aint happening. Oh and by the way- it aint just to stay awake that you eat- seroquel gives you 'the munchies"

'Tart said...

great. And I saw a commercial on TV calling people who took Seroquel and developed 'diabetes, diabetes related illness, tarkive dyskenisia.' I got off Thoriazine to avoid the dyskenisia, off Xprexa to avoid diabetes.

Doesn't it just make you mad. They keep feeding us this crap. God damn why don't they just kill me now. Couldn't there be some societally accepted thing you could volunteer for and get yourself killed 'honorably?' I mean, w/out going to boot camp.:)