Thursday, September 28, 2006

Bring on the peaceful.

Bring on the peaceful.

Things have been crazy, with very severe issues with my Grandma (she's okay, but they are putting a feeding tube in her). This craziness is happening while my Mom is out of the state, so I do the best I can to visit and take care of Grandma's needs. I know that it has been upsetting me, but I'm doing better knowing that they got Mom's consent for G'ma's operation (one person to okay it was not enough, everyone from the nursing home doctor, nurses, and even surgeon insisted on separate okays.) I was in the middle of this, as for some bizarre reason they could not reach Mom's cellphone. On and on it goes.

AND I am somewhat over being upset about issues of 'being at peace at doing nothing,' in the sense that I am speaking to my friend again despite this probably never resolvable issue. I mentioned this in my 'Anonymous' tirade. Really, the whole thing started because a friend sprang this concept on me, and I really became in a runch about it. I am NOT at peace with doing nothing, especially since nothing has gone on for months after leaving my last job in April. Simultaneously, I utterly feel like I cannot move sometimes. It's like I SEE things to be done but cannot bring myself to try to to do them. The only contact I've had with organization or getting it together is FLYLady, and she flat out says this is perfectionism. Apparently, there's no advice or help for bipolar freaks who are absolutely overwhelmed by even cleaning clutter, dishes, various home filth, making myself do laundry. It really feels like I am lower than the average person, and believe me, it is so unlike me to feel and say that. I say this to share with others who might have the same problem, because I am certainly not proud of it.

This little bipolar is feeling rotten of late, okay? My anger thing reached a peak two days ago, and I've been told that in fact is a form of mania for me. I understand the 2 things to help it: better sleep times and taking the meds. I am trying but dagGone it despite continuing to hang in there which is all I can do, its hard and can just wear you down. Are there others who have experienced this? Knowing that alone would make me feel better, I don't need a solution. After all, isn't bipolar all about living with some nutty thing that in fact has no solution, just a hope for a bit of control? Okay, I'm pissed, but honestly, I am not trying to get others down.


Raine said...

on the subject of getting things done. I have made a rule for myself. I have to accomplish one thing everyday- just one. Somedays are so bad that its taking a bath. On a better day it might be washing the floor. Of course there are days that more than one thing is done, but as long as I do one thing I do not berate myself. I have been worse.........anger is a form of mania or dysphoria. I find myself "hating the world" usually right before a major switch into depression or hypomania. Its like an inbetween stage for me.

mysti said...

(((Tart))) I go through that kind of feelings all the time. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep all the junk away.... lol lots of love and blessings to you my friend.