Sunday, September 24, 2006

Anonymous is gone.

I've been thinking more about my 'time off' and how it seems that I've been hovering in a low for a bit. This is nothing new, in fact, if I were talking to UT, it seems like my life revolves around being bipolar.

I think someone tried to give me a hard time in one of my REally earlier posts, like mid-blog, when I talked about being FrEEEee from my job. If you're going to only post something, anonymously no less, mid-blog and be nasty about me finally getting a break, well I just don't know why you are here. The blog's about bipolar, and if you don't get it, I suggest finding Tom Cruise's blog and Buddy-up.

The 'Anonymous' option is no longer available. I had thought if a person wanted to talk seriously about personal things, it would be a good option. But it's not for chicken-asses to be critical and think they get off scotfree.

It did bring to mind again how judgemental, cruel and idiotic the world is. I don't expect the world to understand, that's probably a big reason that I just dropped out. I'm still giving to my family, because I have Disability. I've had it for over 10 years. You can't specifically have Disability without having paid into the the system. And, after talking to a mentally ill friend who simply lives on his Disability month to month and has zero urge to work, I cannot help thinking that I must be something for having continued to work, then complete college, then work some more all after having major psychoses. He gives me a hard time about it, like "I've made peace with doing nothing, why don't you?"

It's just crazy how I get these near-opposing views on being mentally ill and working/not working. For the jackasses that give me a hard time for being 'on break' - where were you when I was continuing to give into the same system while receiving a check? Where's your care and concern for people who give it their absolute best, actually accepting less pay than what they are offered so it won't mess up Disability, trying to work over, under and around an overwhelm that apparently you are too 'good' to understand? It's not there because you are like judgemental teenagers that spend more time text messaging people than living life and getting some compassion. And its so much easier to post jealousy than take a look at your own life and be real about it.

The fact is, people can b*tch all they want to, but everyone comes to their own conclusions and does what they need to for themselves. The problem for me is that I waver, I don't know what I should be doing sometimes, although I am certain I am not going to work in an office for someone again. I tried it over and over and I have learned, learned, learned. I got burned. I really did. Yet I still contemplate self-employment, approved no less by Mrs. EyeFlutter, my SSA technician. Do you really think a college graduate with a mortgage and so much potential would give up without a fight? It's hard to make peace with any of this.

Never assume because a person is intelligent and can be articulate and run circles around most, that they could not in fact suffer greatly. Bipolars and understanding types know what I mean. The rest of you need to grow up or get a frontal lobotomy just to get a clue. Either way, stay off my blog. Unless you're willing to be real about it, give up a little of your information. It's the least a responder can do, when I am being honest and as real as I can.


Raine said...

to be blunt Tart - fuck em!! dont worry bout what they think. When I had to go on disability it was a massive crisis for me. My identity was tied up in my career. It was earthshattering for me to think I was gonna be disabled. THEN there was the oh so pleasant experience of living for several months with NO INCOME ( federal employees do not get state disability. I wasnt considered unemployed as I had a job until my disability retirement went thru and it took several months for that to take effect) I am terrified of the idea of attempting to return to work. One I get these upswings where I start thinking maybe just maybe I could and then BANG I'm down and I know its totally impossible. I also remember the horror of dragging myself into work and desperately trying to make it thru the day and breaking down in front of all those people over and over again. Then I remember living with no income......... no I have no interest in returning to work. If I honestly thought it was possible I would do it. But the reality is that if I were to try I would just end up in the same situation AGAIN. I know this. I dont expect others to comprehend it as they didnt and do not live it. so honey........ fuck em and what they think- its irrelevant

mysti said...