Friday, February 20, 2009

Facebook & telling the truth as a bipolar

So it turns out on Facebook that people can ping you anytime they want to, because you are online. Just like so many things on that site, I don't know how to work it, maybe you can tell it you are off-line while you are on there. Anyone know?

Anyway, I've been stymied as to what to say to all the high school people who knew me who ask 'Whatcha up to?' or the the worst came yesterday, 'What do you do?'

So being in a mood, and I'm still not sorry for it, I was truthful. Asked what do I do, I said I don't work outside the home (so unneccessary and kind of untrue) I'm on disability for bipolar and help a non-profit with proposals and grants using my English degree. The person stopped typing for a full 15 minutes (it was a guy too).

So in the future I'll cut out all the personal stuff and just say I help a non-profit. Live and learn.

It's not my fault that all that is true. And I'm not sorry for being me. And at least I have a degree, I used to do things, I used to have dreams that included the real world, I thought I was going to have a career and wear sensible high heeled shoes til I was 40 (and then have kids and have the energy for that too - what pipedreams).

Nope, not meant to be. I mean, I'm 'only' 37, but clearly I'm not following the life plan that seems to play out for so many. (The 'simple' stuff like working and having kids).God has/d other plans for me. And that's as poetic as I allow myself to be. (Cause it rhymes, you see.)

But I am still rotten angry about how life has turned out. I do other things, I write, I plan my much smaller life (literally I have forgotten how to travel outside a tiny comfort zone) and have such a long way to go to enter into reality without, for instance, even shaking around other messed up people.

It's not easy if you're high-functioning either, it doesn't seem to matter. I love my friends who are more accepting of themselves and I respect the anger and fight in the people who are coming to terms with themselves.

It's always so fun being truthful isn't it, NOT!:)

Have a great day, everybody. Seriously.

I'm having lunch with Husband today and if I still don't feel like doing anything, I will watch a movie (see below - I'm thinking 'The Hours'), which is like putting myself in a holding pattern, being on life-support or oxygen, waiting for a big awakening into times when I can DO again.


preciousrock said...

I'm still a bit lost on Facebook too, but, yes, you can appear offline even when you are online. Took me months to figure that out.

Me also, regarding what the heck does one say to all the old high school buds who are enjoying successful careers and more money than I'll see in a lifetime. I often become frustrated and depressed over the lost opportunities in my life, but I work at being content and at peace with who I am and what I have. Good for you for being jawdropping honest, lol. God does have other plans for us though so I wait and watch and muddle through.

Jena (Violet) said...

Facebook aside, Tart, I can relate to you. I could have written your post word for word. I am still fighting the truth-telling and when people ask what I do, I've graduated from my actual career description coupled with "vacation!" to "taking a break from work as my hubby is working full time and I can afford to stay home- and I need a break anyway" (NOT), to "I'm on disability from a 'medical' condition, so I'm pursuing other interests right now."

I was okay with telling people I had Bipolar at first, but as time goes along, I am finding it harder. It is getting to be a bigger and bigger part of my life and a bigger and bigger secret.

Thank you for sharing this post with us. It helps me to hear your story.