Facebook & telling the truth as a bipolar

So it turns out on Facebook that people can ping you anytime they want to, because you are online. Just like so many things on that site, I don't know how to work it, maybe you can tell it you are off-line while you are on there. Anyone know?

Anyway, I've been stymied as to what to say to all the high school people who knew me who ask 'Whatcha up to?' or the the worst came yesterday, 'What do you do?'

So being in a mood, and I'm still not sorry for it, I was truthful. Asked what do I do, I said I don't work outside the home (so unneccessary and kind of untrue) I'm on disability for bipolar and help a non-profit with proposals and grants using my English degree. The person stopped typing for a full 15 minutes (it was a guy too).

So in the future I'll cut out all the personal stuff and just say I help a non-profit. Live and learn.

It's not my fault that all that is true. And I'm not sorry for being me. And at least I have a degree, I used to do things, I used to have dreams that included the real world, I thought I was going to have a career and wear sensible high heeled shoes til I was 40 (and then have kids and have the energy for that too - what pipedreams).

Nope, not meant to be. I mean, I'm 'only' 37, but clearly I'm not following the life plan that seems to play out for so many. (The 'simple' stuff like working and having kids).God has/d other plans for me. And that's as poetic as I allow myself to be. (Cause it rhymes, you see.)

But I am still rotten angry about how life has turned out. I do other things, I write, I plan my much smaller life (literally I have forgotten how to travel outside a tiny comfort zone) and have such a long way to go to enter into reality without, for instance, even shaking around other messed up people.

It's not easy if you're high-functioning either, it doesn't seem to matter. I love my friends who are more accepting of themselves and I respect the anger and fight in the people who are coming to terms with themselves.

It's always so fun being truthful isn't it, NOT!:)

Have a great day, everybody. Seriously.

I'm having lunch with Husband today and if I still don't feel like doing anything, I will watch a movie (see below - I'm thinking 'The Hours'), which is like putting myself in a holding pattern, being on life-support or oxygen, waiting for a big awakening into times when I can DO again.

Self-soothing through movies.

In the past few days I’ve been feeling cranky and good for nothing, so why not watch a movie.

On Wednesday afternoon I watched ‘The Bee Movie’ which is a PG animation movie with Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zellweger’s voices. I don’t know if I get tired or it just can’t keep my attention span – read: it may be boring for adults – but I have fallen asleep several times during that movie, both times I’ve seen it.

Thursday was a day for drama, as I watched ‘Benny and Joon’ – Mary Stuart Masterson as a schizophrenic (best line ‘Having a Boo Radley moment?’ I love it. I will use that some time), Aiden Quinn aaaaaaand – Johnny Depp. He is sooo hot. I’m sorry, I’m allowed my opinion, he is hot in just about every movie I’ve seen him in.

He renews my faith that there are sexy men in this world, we just never see them because the world’s too busy showing us all the skanky supposedly sexy women for men consumption. Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway ladies, let us revel in this ‘national treasure’ (who now lives in France with his fiancé and children but God bless him, works in the good ol’ U.S.A.)

To further the film fest on Thursday, I watched Waitress (all of these movies I had seen once before anyway). Keri Russell’s character has an abusive/overly needy jerk of a husband and gets pregnant from him. She is a gifted pie-maker for a local diner and just wants to get away from her husband but now its too late, she thinks. It has a good ending, I won’t say more.

For people who keep up, it’s the last film by Adrienne Shelley who is a character in the film, its screenwriter and director and was murdered in real life. Her husband started a foundation for women in film after her death.

This watching movies thing during the day when I’m all by myself is a great thing. I get to see what I want and ultimately, movies are so soothing and thought provoking for me.

I go into another world, I am transported, which is what I am sure movie connoisseurs or even people ‘with no life’ also adore about movies. It’s a way to self-soothe and ‘safely’ open up the world at the same time (watching dramas that I’ve seen before).

I mean I know I’ve seen it before and have a general idea what it’s about and if I’m in the mood for it, but being burnt (because of bipolar) and having CRS (Can’t Remember Stuff (!) I have forgotten many of the particulars, so its new to me! Thank God for movies!

I'm thinking about watching 'The Hours' today. Talk about an intense movie. But I keep remembering awesome bits and pieces of it and Nicole Kidman did an awesome job as Virginia Woolf (I guess it's a mental illness fest this week) that I'm thinking that I want to see it again. At least I want to do something, even if it's just veg and breathe.:)

Putty in the Paws.

I've been going through a med change, changing from Atenenol to Propanenol to help better with the shakes of Abilify. There have been a few days of jittery, anxious miserableness with that.

In the bigger picture, I finally left the puppy at home today, and went grocery shopping. It has been hard for me, because the two of us are attached at the hip ~ in a nutshell, I hate to see or hear her cry. I'm a softie for it. But it's got to happen sometimes and I want her to not have separation anxiety so she's got to be separated from me for short spurts. She recovered from all that just fine and she's back sleeping in my lap again.:) I AM PUTTY!!

The Puppy

So's I get a little sleep deprivation from the puppy but each night she sleeps a little longer and I am getting more used to her and she to me.

She is also having a blast playing with kitty and he with her. They have spurts of rabble-rousing play then they both crash and sleep (the puppy on me, the kitty in one of the pet beds around here - they're not sleeping together YET!!:)

This pug girl seems ahead of her time, at least developmentally ahead than our other Pugs at this age. She got up to the second step on of the stairs and was able to get down a step which is developmentally difficult for them at this young age (almost 9 weeks), but obviously not impo-ss-ib-le.

Sometimes she goes after things she shouldn't (like the edge of bottom of the stairs, or tries to pull apart a dog bed) but some Bitter Apple sprayed on the bottom of the stairs was a Big Deterrant and giving her a toy to chew on instead of the bed helped with that.

Fabulous!

It's been a busy morning, feeding all the animals, going outside with the dogs to go potty (for them not me! hah), playing on the computer. I checked out Mike Golch's site today and on his Feb. 6 post he had awards, including this Fabulous Lady and her dog, which I love. I will follow his rules and it goes out to all who have commented on my blog in the past month or so, Jena that's you too, as this would be perfect for Scenario Idiosyncratic (wow, what a spelling tongue-twister that is!).

Blessing.

Tomorrow I pick up my puppy!

It has been hard WAITING for her all week, but it was the best thing for her and gave me some time to prepare for her arrival (food, puppy pads, her own new collar, a new little teddy bear chew toy and such!).

I have had flashbacks to what happened to Mia, that is an awful sight and something I don't want to ever happen again (as if I even know what really caused it in the first place). I just want to love and protect this puppy forever.

I feel much joy and happiness for this new creature. Tomorrow is the day!!:)

Lucky gal.

As I write this I am in a cranked out mood. Cranky. Trying to get over it, but that's life.

I have been working on fixing a jacket for someone at the Drop-in Center. He will pay me a little to fix it and it is frustrating me this morning, as it is suede and the needle I am using is large and I am having difficulty getting it through. Arggg!

The thing also smells because the jacket owner is a smoker and I sometimes must take breaks from it to get away from the stench.

Long-time readers may remember that the Tart use to smoke, for about 10 years, but I quit a few years ago, and yes it often now smells bad to me to be in the extreme vicinity of it. Not always, but I don't like being blanketed in it with the thing on my lap. Who knew?

I am also obsessively recovering from having my feelings hurt at the Drop-in Center yesterday. It only takes one comment sometimes to send me hurting and upset and then - mad, then upset again. I won't grace it with discussion except to say it was fairly small, and I need to get over it. Yes, Tart sensitive. Must stop it.

So to take a break, I got on the computer and started looking up favorite things to cheer me up.

Of course, the ultimate cheer-up is knowing I'm picking up my precious girl (my new fawn Pug puppy) on Saturday!! Yes, I found a precious girl and she will be ready to go home on Friday, but Saturday's the day we will pick her up.

We have taken two pictures of her and when I was going off and being so obsessive about my feelings being hurt last night, Husband brought up her beautiful face on the laptop and reminded me what was important in life.

I am so lucky that I have a good homelife and my pets to keep me company during the day. Sometimes I want to be around people and of course, now I feel 'burned' about going to Drop-in and want to just say well the heck with you, I'm going to have my puppy to love up and take care of.

I can't seem to do that quite yet, because I promised, or said that I would, go to the Executive Director's birthday party on Friday at the Center. I don't want to let her down but I don't really want to go there anymore, at least not the way I'm feeling right now.

I have done good work with them - a fundraiser, proofing a grant, sending out three letters of inquiry for food grants - I have given when all that some others have done is taken, and of course it's a 'taker' that makes a jealous comment about me because there is a genuine friendship between the Executive Director and I.

No wonder I am friends with the Executive Director, we are friends, we do get along so well, and no wonder that some people are just jealous beyotches and truth be told I hate jealousy because I just don't know what to say - I almost feel sorry for the other person but I get mad because they are attacking me. It's just so uncomfortable and unfair.

And then I spend time thinking of what I should have said. Yeah, like I need this.

And I said I wouldn't talk about it.

But, on the upswing, I'm getting a puppy and I know I'm a lucky gal for that.

Thank you all for your comments on the previous couple of posts. I really do appreciate them.