Thursday, July 2, 2009

The tiring virus.

It's been a hard few days. I don't take physical illness very well, I am very hard on myself (and maybe the inner circle too) and there were lots of crying jags for 'no reason.' I admit to feeling suicidal for moments, moments that I quickly try to push away and try to get over, but I did have to promise my safety to a good friend. Thank God for friends.

This virus has hung on for a week now and is tiring. I am Much better than I was. The doctor told me to take Mucinex. I tried cough syrup but that made me feel loopy and anxious and the doctor (his wonderful nurse) said that was messing with my blood pressure and don't take that stuff anymore.

I went to Crisis Training yesterday and wouldn't you know it, it was on Suicide Prevention. Wow, I know we deal with tough stuff at the Center. I actually cried, because I feel that way. (How can I help others if I'm dealing with it myself?)

I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible but my friend caught up with me and I didn't want to look at her because she is so kind I knew I couldn't hold back. But she got me out of the car and wanted me to walk with her and I spilled what was bothering me. Everything is more amplified when I am sick, the fears, the problems seem unsurmountable when your energy is sapped and you just can't fight anymore. Sometimes I try so hard but there are time when you (I) must truly crawl into bed and rest and leave it for another day.

On an entirely different note, I have lost a total of 24 pounds. I haven't been very hungry or maybe my stomach is shrinking because I don't care about food, just enough to feed myself, which is actually a very enjoyable side-effect from all this. I admit I like feeling more in control, not a ravenous beast that must 'feed' like I swear some of the psychotropic medicines make you feel.

So far, still in reality which is a great blessing. Thinking about going back to bed for a little while.

I truly wish all well in the blogosphere. Thank you to all the well-wishers and new additions to readers of the blog. You have heartened the 'Tart with your love. Thank you.


Denise said...

Sending you much love and prayer for your peace of mind. The enemy can only attack our minds! There is nothing else he can touch..... so the battle rages..... Fill your mind with the word... Get you an mp3 player and download the word of God on tape ..... if you cannot find anything email me and I will send you some files....... I have it on my mp3 and I have it in my ear for LOTS of hours a day........ Fighting what the enemy speaks with what the Father promises!

Be well be whole be healed my friend.... HE is keeping a close watch on you....... You are the apple of HIS eye..... HE rejoices over you with singing! LISTEN... can you hear HIM!

'Tart said...

Thank you, Denise. You make me cry. Thank you.

Wanda's Wings said...

Tart, I know how feeling physically bad does crazy things to the head. You hang in there girl & remember you are deeply cared for!

Jena said...


I felt like I could relate to so much of your post... not in this moment, but it's like I've been in your exact shoes. Are those shoes jumping around to different people? Maybe we need to throw them away! ;) No but seriously, I really could relate to this. I am so sad you're in this space because it's a soul-killer. I guess if I could give one piece of advice, coming from the opposite end of the spectrum right now, is to welcome whatever support you can have. Don't think you're above anything, and don't think you aren't worthy of anything. You need your supports now, it's time to use them. *gentle nudge.*

Thinking of you. Stay well. Remember that God is faithful.
Love, Jena

'Tart said...

Dear Wanda,
It's true. I can't rush the physical illness away and thank you for the insight on how that affects us mentally. Thank you so much for your support.:)

Dear Jena,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and your support. I feel very lucky to have the blog friends that I do and for the respect that bipolars have for one another - it is a real blessing. I know that when I suffer I can write about it, it gives me some peace and catharthis to get it out. Thank you for reminding me of the many people who are doing the same. I think soon I will feel up to coming to everyone's blogs as I can.

I wish you well, and thank you for coming by to comment, all of you. I love to see you here.

Wanda's Wings said...

Checking in to see if you are feeling better.HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

'Tart said...

Thank you Wanda! I am feeling better, I actually went to work today which is a very fun job mostly, I'll have to talk about it on the blog, and had a very good day.

I hope You have a good weekend too!

I spent a lot of time thinking on your last post, I wanted to say that I could relate to feeling overwhelmed by finances, and feeling that pit of despair and the bad places it can go. My finances are no better than they were but one thought that helps me that I hold onto is: "I am more than my finances or my financial situation." I am a person and nothing is worth offing myself. Beat those nasty thoughts.

Maybe that all seems obvious, but I have been clinging to it lately. I couldn't find the words to put it in comments on your blog, but I'll leave it here.

Thank you for coming to visit me again. Happy 4th and a great weekend to all.

Denise said...

Just checking in to see how you were feeling....... You are on my heart and I know your are in HIS........

Hugs girl

Wanda's Wings said...

Glad you are feeling better & thanks for the encouragement!