New Beginnings.

Well, if you had followed all those comments in the post below, you would find out that I had enough of the baking thing and the annoying person in it, and let it go.

I talked to the supervisor's Mom, who comes to each baking thing, and she said it was not my illness to be so bothered - the annoying one Really Is loud, annoying and we agreed, a drama queen. To an excess that is just not usually seen anywhere.

It takes me days, literally, to get over being in her prescence, the loudness, trying to get my thoughts back, trying to find my footing in reality, that it really isn't worth it to me to be continually subjected to it. Not to mention the gas burned only to be subjected to it (a 40-minute drive for continual unpleasantness). I realize there will always be annoying people at work, but when I work at home I've got the best boss and coworkers in the world. 'nuff said.

The supervisor's Mom said that 'annoying one' was trying for everyone, including her (the sup's Mom) even though she had managerial experience and had learned over time to basically put up with a lot.

But, get this, annoying one is trying to get a full-time job and the soft hearts at the baking program are trying to help her, and I said if she were gone, I'd come back. The Mom's super said, "of course we would like to have you back."

So it does count to be a sweetie, a nice person like myself and I might just be back whenever annoying one is gone, or for the next go-around. I actually said a prayer for annoying one that she would find her fulltime job. Why not? It can't hurt.

But I may be involved in Something New. The Drop In Center in my county is going to let me help with grants. Now that would be a sweet job for me - a grant writer.

I could be freelance, work at home mostly and help people from afar, which is how I often like doing that. (Hey, I admit it, that the helping from afar wish is probably my illness, but at least I like to help).

I will just be learning how to write a grant now, but I figure once one is done and if it turns out well I can go on word of mouth to others. It's not going to be set up tomorrow or the next day, but I have something to look forward to.

Now that I'm not strapped to the baking thing on Tuesdays, I can sub for bowling, which is precisely what I'm doing tomorrow night at my husband's league.

Bowling is a fun thing to do, not that I'm super at it, but because I was on the league for years I have my own ball and shoes, which is nice.

***Please see Denise, at Samaritan Woman, for an important prayer request for her dear niece, who will be having heart surgery, and just had a baby. Thank you.***

Doing a little better.

I returned my movies to the rental place. I had gotten 'Nim's Island' and 'Dream Girls.'
'Nim's Island' has absolutely no profanity, violence or sex, and is a wonderful family movie. In 'Dream Girls' I could see why Jennifer Hudson won her Oscar, she gives a powerful, singing performance.

So I picked up two more movies, 'The Devil Wears Prada' and 'Juno.' I'm looking forward to watching '..Prada' this afternoon, while I try to kill the twinges of cramps I'm getting (can you tell from the last post that It's approaching?? Ha ha!). Then, I will make dinner.

I have been trying to keep myself busy today. A movie is the perfect way to kill a couple of hours.

MY turn to complain.

I just hate myself for not being kinder. For not having empathy in some cases. I am sooooo not perfect, or even close.

I am going crazy thinking about this girl from my baking class. It’s not enough that she is loud and obnoxious, she has Problems too, oh my. Too much Drama. She’s got to tell all or many of her problems to my supervisor, who feels terribly bad for her, (she got the response she wanted) and I feel bad now because my problems are so piddly and little and unimportant, yet I want to kill myself. After all, I don’t have ANY problems being a mentally ill person that drives WAY out of my way to come to this thing, only to be subjected to a very selfish, loud person.

I feel like I must be some kind of bitch to be overwhelmed and concerned about not wanting to go to baking anymore. I can’t imagine getting a more irritating person to work with. I’m thinking about asking the supervisor if I can come back and work in the Spring.

I can’t take the fact that this person takes over ALL conversation. That she totally tries to roll over me, ignores the fact that I am there and then doesn’t allow me to speak.

And she Complains. Complains that everything is too sweet: I reminded her that we are making desserts, not dog biscuits (and not her dinner).

She actually rolls in 20-30 minutes late and then has the nerve to ask what’s done so she can eat it. That totally got on my nerves and I said, “Can you wait?” To which she replied no and then we get a litany of her day and how she hasn’t had Lunch or Dinner. Not my problem. Not something I have any control over. Should we bring snacks for the cow, instead of water for everybody (the supervisor brings water for us many times out of the kindness of her heart)?

We tell her that things aren’t cooled yet, and she say’s “I’m going to eat it, ANYway” and then complains about how sweet it is. Like I care. Except that it feels like a cut on all the hard work that WE did to make the thing, only to get her ‘learned opinion’ that we haven’t please her. Shut up.

I make what the supervisor has us make. I follow the recipe, which this person can’t get through her head, although we all make mistakes (I forgot to put milk into muffins yesterday, making them dry). But Annoying One has said she doesn’t need to measure, like the professionals, as if she was one. We, meaning the supers, have to remind her that she is not a professional. She absolutely does not get that this is a learning experience and that it’s okay to make mistakes (she gets so dithered if ‘her’ stuff is not perfect. Whatever.) So g*d-d*mn annoying.

I feel like my head is taken over by this person. And all the loving that I receive in my life is for nothing, even though my friends were kind to me at Drop in Center beforehand, even though my Husband is nice to me after, I have to recover from this experience. It’s so lame, and it hurts me. I just want to eat or do something to make it go away. After all, I have my problems too, I just don’t spread them around to the people I work with and every d*n person I can get a hold of. Will someone Please MAKE IT STOP!

PS - I know I've got to take over my own Destiny. I can't allow an annoying person to affect me so. But believe me, it's hard when they are so LOUD. And it boggles the mind that they cannot see that they must take responsibility for her own life, as I must mine. I try very hard to purge myself of this and listen to good stuff and try to feel better. And I actually feel better after typing it all out and GETTING it OUT of my system. Thank you, Dear Reader!:)

Pretty picture.

Hummingbird, Equador, Webshots

Learning to be Happier. (discussion by 'Tart of "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky)

I have been very busy over the weekend. One of the neat things I did was after a nice lunch at a restaurant chain that serves lots of out of town visitors, they were having a 75% off sale on lots of items.

Including audio books, some in CD form! What a boon! I got "Charlotte's Web" written by and read by E.B. White, "Cesar's Way" by Cesar Milan the 'Dog Whisperer,' and something called ""The How of Happiness," a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life you Want," by Sonja Lyubomirsky.

I started listening to "The How of Happiness" which is so good I started transcribing her words into my Microsoft Word, so that I could look at it and have to look at again, which is what the actual book would do for me easily, I realize, and I just might buy it.

I have been taking quite seriously what it has to say, and I notice that I have not had a serious low or even medium low since I started to listen to it, which is great for a bipolar!

There is a lot of good stuff in there. Right now, I'm learning about the 'Attitude of Gratitude.' The simple concept that we have heard over and over again of 'count your blessings.'

It really is a truth that you can't feel too sad when you really stop to count just a few of your blessings and take some time to ponder them.

I was going to reprint here what I heard, and what I typed for myself, as the eight reasons why it's so great to count your blessings, but the back specifically says 'This recording may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without permission from Penguin Audio' so in difference to the author and her publisher, I won't do it.

BUT, I can discuss in my own words what I Thought about it. And I must say that it is already making a positivie impact on my life, if not to simply be reminded of 'the attitude of gratitude' and the other 12 common things that happy people DO to be happy.

For that is one of the (audio) book's exhortations as well, that being happy is a do-er sport, one in which we can enhance our happiness by "intentional activity."

Like remembering our blessings, practicing methods to stop negative thoughts, doing kindesses for others just 'cause, "nurturing relationships," avoiding "overthinking and social comparison," etc.

And she expresses that no one is usually good at all the techniques and that we don't have to be, and she has a great test for determining which would be good techniques to focus on.

Yes, I took the test, and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I am taking the time to learn to be happier.

There's probably going to more discussion of this in the future.:)

Finally doing better on Abilify.

One of the things I noticed with Abilify was a real sense of anxiety, when I first got on it, which takes about two weeks to kick in, as with most medications, and especially when I was on a higher dose of it.

After much convincing of my Pdoc, after him moving this around and that, I made him see that I was on a little too much of the Abilify.

I have been on a lowered dose of it for a month or two and I think I have found something I can live with.

Negatives: still have some anxiety that I don't think I would have if Abilify wasn't in my life.

I have mentioned before that I didn't think that anxiety was a big deal BEFORE. I now see that it can be quite debilitating depending on the level of it, and I personally can't stand feeling that way. So I am glad to have less anxiety, although it is still there, but is very much reduced.

The restless legs thing. I still get moments where I move a lot. I think Atenenol, a derivative of Propanolol (misspell? I'm sorry) the Anti-shake med is helping enormously. The jaw shake is much, much lessoned too. But both leg and jaw, and sometimes hand shake still exist. An Abilify thing, I believe.

The positives: I am not an angry little beyotch anymore. This is so exemplified in my driving. Driving separates the angry from the sane. Seriously. That's where you'll see it, that's a big place where calm at most all times it seriously necessary. And my Mom will get in the car with me now, and comments on how much a better driver I am. Rainmain: I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver. Really.

In general, my anger is down, and patience is up. How great is that? I do attribute it to the Abilify.

I don't know it's uses in Autism, although I have heard that it is being used now.

As with most medications in different illnesses - bipolar, Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, epilepsy, etc., just like with cardiac and diabetes medications to name just a FEW - it is often a trial and error thing to find the ones that work for that specific person.

Some meds work so well for some people, the same med for the same disorder, does not work well.

I believe it is worth the trial and error to find the right med(s), even if it sometimes means a stay in the hospital, for a better quality of life. It is a choice to live or to give up, in some situations. I applaud the decision to live.

What kind of things make you feel better?

I wanted to create a list of things that make me feel better and encourage you to think about things that make you feel better.

Now I am a bipolar who stays home mostly. No, I do not have children at this time, though I have a Pug on my lap right now, and am monitoring a very active puppy Pug, as she likes to chew on things, get into things, etc.

I have learned to reduce stress after having been in situations that caused me harm. Years ago, I spent a lonnng time in a mental hospital dealing with my illness. I have been in the mental hospital before that too, with my original diagnoses at age 16. I have worked since I was 15 1/2, that's 20 years of working experience. I have a degree in English from a very accredited university. I gave up my position at a newspaper several years ago because of my own mental stress. I feel like I am writing my bio, once again.

I say all this, because it doesn't matter if you are a working person, Mom (which is always a working person, I know), not working person, etc. - whoever you are - you are likely to experience a depression, at least, some time in your adult life. If you don't, someone close to you will experience something akin to it, or another Mental Illness. (These have been statistical facts that I read from NIMH or Somewhere).

This is not a bad word, or phrase, (Mental Illness) it is a medical condition, and nothing to be ashamed of, but I should talk because it's hard to live with, I don't care what anyone says. But, just like cardiac conditions, diabetes, and other chronic conditons, depression and it's icky 'friend' bipolar (having the lows of depression AND the highs and in betweens of mania) really can kill you, and need to be taken seriously.

Since I am at home, and it took me a long time to come close to accepting this arrangement, and I still get unhappy with it sometimes, I must create my own structure. And I am Still doing that. For people just getting out of the hospital (mental or otherwise), for people retiring or going on disability, maybe you relate to this more. Or, as a Mom that is changing from a working in the 'real world' schedule to the enormous duties and responsibilities of taking caring of Baby (see, I'm no dummy, and I have empathy) you may make a change in your life, a different schedule if you will, but You matter just as much as when you were a 'player' in the world's games.

So without further ado, the list of what makes me happy. If you're a blog friend feel free to write your own list. If you would like to comment with your own list feel free!

Stuff that makes me feel better:
The Pugs first thing in the morning, and at different times my cat: Mia, my little baby Pug loves to greet me as soon as I'm up. All of the animals like to converge in the office and be here together, especially before LUNCH time where they can bother me and give me those Beggin' eyes. After LUNCH, it's okay to go upstairs and sit on their favorite chair, well at least for 5-year-old Emma Pug. Mia still likes to be in Every room that Mommy is in.

Crafts, and thinkings about my crafts. I say that because while I have a ton of crafts that I could do, I honestly don't get a lot done. But things under this category are:
Cross-stitch
Crocheting
Knitting
Wishing I could rove, or make my own yarn (as I have a whole box of roving to work with, and a hand spinner - but no real idea how to use it! And no teacher, Wanh!)
Craft painting - I have attempted Donna Dewberry craft painting, which was very fun, but labor intensive in terms of clean up and keeping every thing from getting painted on. But fun, did I mention Fun!:)
I know there are more crafts, Oh! like Scrapbooking! I really like scrapbooking! And uploading Pictures and working with them.
And so many more!

Exercise definitely makes me Feel better but I don't get much of it. When I do, it's obvious it affects my mood positively. Other times I just Think about exercising, and how to fit it into my day and get some more structure going. Just being honest.:)

I like to blog and comment.

I like to write cards to my friends. Yes, I have real life friends, people to thank, people to send the Love to. That is fun and makes me feel like I have Done something.

Sometimes I have very little energy and the slightest thing like taking a shower and cleaning up is wonderful. I know that makes me feel better, and I bet some people can relate to that one.

I mentioned reading the book on scrapbooking a couple of posts ago. Actually, that is a big deal because other than reading on the internet, I wasn't reading up until starting on the ol' Creative Memories book on scrapbooking! Well, I will be reading the Bible with Tracy soon, and that will give me some structure too, you better believe it, in more ways than one. Looking forward to that, my friend!

I love to read my 'People' magazine as well. I know its not the uplift and good Book kind of reading, but I read it cover to cover and enjoy it thoroughly, usually, depending on my mood. There have been times when the 'People' languished in a box somewhere and when I was in a 'People' reading mood I have gone through it quickly. But it is a love of mine.

One of my absolutely favorite shows on the Tele is 'Clean House.' Niecy Nash and her friends go to a different cluttered house in each episode, talk to the people and try to address 'issues,' sort and sell the clutter at a yard sale, and use that money to make the cluttered rooms Fabulous. It is sooooooo fun to watch! Utterly addictive, I can watch old episodes, I can't wait for the new, I love nearly everything about it, and I wish they had a channel of it, 24-7. Seriously.

That show comes on the Style network on cable. I like many of the shows on Style network, actually. But I am always checking it to see if my fav, 'Clean House,' is on.

I also love any episodes of 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight,' the TLC cable show about two parents, who had twins and then...a set of six babies all at once (sixtuplets?). It's fascinating to me.

They just had an episode where they went on a ski trip with all the kids, plus helpers in tow, and had a great time. Kate is like me, doesn't like snow so much and loves staying at home doing the laundry with the four kids who didn't like snow either (that was a light day for her, just four kids!), while Jon, the Dad, and Cara, one of the twins, had a great time on the slopes!

I love 'Will & Grace' reruns, I'll stop for a 'Friends' rerun, or a 'Seinfeld' rerun, too. As a matter of fact, I often love a show when its finally over for some weird reason. Maybe because they are classics, I don't know.

Well, the Pugs are bugging me for LUNCH. They have amped up their activities and the bugging and it IS time to feed them, so I'll leave my list at this. Feel free to write your own list. It's fun, it's positive, it has a certain 'Cheering Up' factor, may I say so myself.:)