Good things.

Hmmm, so I am trying to think of something new to write on the blog. I think I am feeling well these days, very even, like the medicine is keeping me right and that I am at the right balance right now.

I have been able to work my part time job solid ever since coming back from my severe low a few months ago. This has been a good thing.

The new therapist seems very understanding.

I do have restlessness in my legs and I am nearly certain that this is the Abilify, but I am not overly upset about it. I have kept busy and think about things to look forward to, such as baking for Thanksgiving and a Thanksgiving party for work.

Also, I have some handiwork projects going - a cross stitch and some crocheting - hopefully to be done for Christmas, so that has been keeping me busy as well.

When I am at work, I am around people, and mind-boggling to me, I am getting paid. I feel like I am getting better all the time, maybe someday I can lead a support group - that is starting to be a goal of mine. I don't think I am there yet, but I see a time when maybe I could do that.

A little oasis.

I started seeing a new therapist this week.

I had actually seen my old therapist for 10 years and then one Friday three weeks ago I talked to her and she said the next week was her last week. Just like that. But for some reason I haven't grieved over that, although I think I might be mad (just trying to gauge what emotions I am having) at how lousy the County system is.

I'm getting out of the County system that I have been in for 15 years and going to use my private insurance that I now have after my marriage. It's taken their charging unbelievable amounts of money for services and being pushed out of the system to finally get me to do it. So maybe it was a good thing that she bailed on me.

So this new therapist experience is really amazing. I think I may have mentioned months ago how I was blown away by the waiting room alone (I saw her once then we had to get an insurance issue fixed, so seeing her this week was our second meeting). It's full of positive sayings, real chairs with pillows, a little waterfall, beautiful music playing and positivity oozing all over the place. So it's like walking into a little oasis off the street.

My new therapist seems very understanding of bipolar. She discussed that she feels that bipolar can be a difficult illness to treat and that for some mental disorders meds don't seem as important as they do for bipolar. That it's 60% importance of the meds, 40% talking/psychotherapy - which I agree with. As a person who has been doing this for twenty years (taking meds and do the talking therapy) I see that assessment and agree with it, for myself.

I seem to cry every time I see this woman. I think she is still trying to assess me, well I know she is, so she has to ask a lot of stirring up questions.

I cried this time having to do with why I relate to Patty Duke's 'A Brilliant Madness' so much when I was feeling my lowest (I couldn't do much more than breathe or surround myself with Pugs on the couch and then I picked up that book off my shelves and Could Not put it down. Read like 80 pages without thinking about it). I tried to tell the therapist that I cry thinking of the larger picture of bipolar, what a monster it is, then I stop crying as I tell her about the book, because someone understands so completely as they honestly recount their life going through it, leaving no detail unspared. I love Ms. Anna Michaels (Patty's real name) for it. Thank you, Anna.

Better.

I am writing to say that I feel much better than the previous post. I have switched to something new, for the moment, and my mood (and life) looks improved.

Thank you so much for your comments on the last post. I take them to heart and I really appreciate them!:):)

Today I went to the Drop-In Center and set up an account on Ebay so that we can sell books for the center. Our Executive Director has tons of books that she is donating to the center so that we can sell them and fundraise. Yaay!

I am doing this as a volunteer position right now, but I may get paid in the future. It's a good learning experience, as I will learn to do TurboLister. You may recall or see on my list of things I wanna do that being a seller is El Top O' the List!!

So I spent a good part of the day at the Drop-In Center. And while I still feel funny sometimes because there is someone there that I can feel stabbing me with words behind my back, it is only one person and is probably good for me. Can you believe I would say that! I don't know what's wrong with her but it's her, not me. And I'm okay with it right now.

I also met these two darling young women who go to ARC, Association for Retarded Citizens, and they so brightened my day, just by being themselves. I just loved being around them, they were so sweet and friendly.

My Mom always said I would work well with retarded citizens, or developmentally challenged is a more PC term, as they are sweet and I am too (blush). But to work with them would probably take a degree. Maybe I could look into volunteering.

So things are looking up and I wanted to share.:)

I had other good thoughts too. I watched a very gripping story on PBS (limited basic cable will make you do such things!:) called "A Walk to Beautiful" about the incredible amount of young girls/young women in Africa who have given birth at young ages and then developed fistulas, or tears that cause them to urinate or worse constantly. This causes them to become ostrasized and pariahs in their villages sometimes, devastatingly for the rest of their lives.

This was a wonderful, touching story of the incredible journey of several women to get to a special hospital made just for them and their recovery from this terrible, widespread ailment.

I was just gripped by the beauty of these women, and their incredible courage in the face of being treated awfully, by being betrayed by their bodies - or feeling that way - and for how difficult it was to have this illness in their culture. Not only was the problem physical it was vastly psychological.

You can imagine that I related to that.

So it is with clarification that I state about my earlier post 'I'm glad to be an American Woman' - oh I so am. No where on this Earth could a woman have so many freedoms and pleasure to be herself except in many of our Western countries.

At the same time, I am proud to just plain be a woman, when women like these are my co-patriots of the Earth.

I was outside today, watching the dogs do their thing, and I heard a bird above in the trees make loud noises. I looked up. There is a whole world up there, and out there, a Lord that watches and enters his Hands into the mix and I was more at peace, because I realized the world was bigger and it was A GOOD THING. Can't explain it quite right.

I am finally recovering from the trauma, I think, of the anxiety that befell me after the Lithium toxicity last year - which was almost exactly one year ago next week. Actually, I bounced back pretty fast in many ways, physically certainly.

Thank you again, dear Friends, for your comments on the last few posts. I am so blessed to be aware of your presence on the web, I think of you and even pray sometimes for your needs.:)

So you see, Tart doesn't always write bad things on her blog.:)

Simple definition of Bipolar I Disorder.

Bipolar I Disorder is an illness with symptoms thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals.

People who have Bipolar I Disorder tend to experience extreme mood swings, along with other specific symptoms and behaviors.

These mood swings, or "episodes," can take three forms: manic, depressive, or mixed episodes.

Common symptoms of a manic episode are: feeling extremely happy, being very irritable and anxious, talking too fast and too much, and having more energy and needing less sleep than usual.

Common symptoms of a depressive episode include: feelings of overwhelming sadness or emptiness, low energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, and thoughts of dying or suicide.

A mixed episode includes symptoms that are both manic and depressive.
Source-- this from an information sheet about Abilify, in my 'People' magazine.

Self-soothing through movies.

In the past few days I’ve been feeling cranky and good for nothing, so why not watch a movie.

On Wednesday afternoon I watched ‘The Bee Movie’ which is a PG animation movie with Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zellweger’s voices. I don’t know if I get tired or it just can’t keep my attention span – read: it may be boring for adults – but I have fallen asleep several times during that movie, both times I’ve seen it.

Thursday was a day for drama, as I watched ‘Benny and Joon’ – Mary Stuart Masterson as a schizophrenic (best line ‘Having a Boo Radley moment?’ I love it. I will use that some time), Aiden Quinn aaaaaaand – Johnny Depp. He is sooo hot. I’m sorry, I’m allowed my opinion, he is hot in just about every movie I’ve seen him in.

He renews my faith that there are sexy men in this world, we just never see them because the world’s too busy showing us all the skanky supposedly sexy women for men consumption. Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway ladies, let us revel in this ‘national treasure’ (who now lives in France with his fiancé and children but God bless him, works in the good ol’ U.S.A.)

To further the film fest on Thursday, I watched Waitress (all of these movies I had seen once before anyway). Keri Russell’s character has an abusive/overly needy jerk of a husband and gets pregnant from him. She is a gifted pie-maker for a local diner and just wants to get away from her husband but now its too late, she thinks. It has a good ending, I won’t say more.

For people who keep up, it’s the last film by Adrienne Shelley who is a character in the film, its screenwriter and director and was murdered in real life. Her husband started a foundation for women in film after her death.

This watching movies thing during the day when I’m all by myself is a great thing. I get to see what I want and ultimately, movies are so soothing and thought provoking for me.

I go into another world, I am transported, which is what I am sure movie connoisseurs or even people ‘with no life’ also adore about movies. It’s a way to self-soothe and ‘safely’ open up the world at the same time (watching dramas that I’ve seen before).

I mean I know I’ve seen it before and have a general idea what it’s about and if I’m in the mood for it, but being burnt (because of bipolar) and having CRS (Can’t Remember Stuff (!) I have forgotten many of the particulars, so its new to me! Thank God for movies!

I'm thinking about watching 'The Hours' today. Talk about an intense movie. But I keep remembering awesome bits and pieces of it and Nicole Kidman did an awesome job as Virginia Woolf (I guess it's a mental illness fest this week) that I'm thinking that I want to see it again. At least I want to do something, even if it's just veg and breathe.:)

Experiencing a time of 'fair seas.'

It's not that I'm overly happy although I am revved right now because I made the mistake of watching 'scrapbooking' stuff on HSN (Home Shopping Network, which I am NOT going to buy anything off of!!:) and I should have kept it on C-Span.

We lowered our cable to Basic to save money and tell you the truth I don't miss the other channels too much except for TLC (I love my 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight and 'Little People.' Wanh! Goodbye!) and the Food Network (God, of course I would miss That one!) and of course my Clean House shows.

But NOW I can watch Lou Ferigno in 'The Hulk' and David Hasselhoff in 'Knight Rider' in his heyday on the RTN channel (the ReTro Network!) and lots of WETA (PBS). And of course, get addicted to the shows that show up on 'regular TV.' Oh how I need technology to sleep.

Anyhoo, I was writing to report that my therapist who I saw on Wednesday said that she noticed for the second time in a row that I seem more clear headed, less jittery, and more even than usual. She asked me if this bothered me, as she heard that some bipolars miss the ups and downs.

Nope. I like being even.

That's what I take this slew of drugs for, that's what has been the goal all this time.

Now I can focus on my real goal, to lose weight (#1 priority, and then there are other priorities, and yes I wrote out my NY's resolutions and tacked them where I can see them every day. It's a trick to remind yerself (think Forest Gump in my diction, here:) rather than have to focus on being stable. That is a great feeling, better than feeling off your rocker constantly. (And I don't mean I feel 'normal' or 100% stable, Gosh no, that's just not for me (sarcasm/anger), just more even than usual, Thank God (sincere)!!!!)

I know I will return to 'off your rocker' stage at some point, or at least I say I'm prepared for it since that's what I do, although I don't look forward to it. It's nice to enjoy some peace while I can.

(P.S. ~ I think I can enjoy being 'even' because I know that I can so easily jazz myself into a slight mania (like over scrapbooking) to lift myself if necessary. There. That was much more succinct.)

Lowered Happy Quotient (aka agitated) for a day or two; and talking 'bout Ebay

But a mere two days ago I had lots of energy and felt, well, happy. Well, I would be amiss if I always gave the impression that life is perfect, and that I'm a happy bipolar. I am bipolar, I am not happy about it, and life is not perfect. Yup, I said it.

I have been agitated and cranky today. And while I certainly am blessed and always am, I realize, I will change my imood to reflect my agitated state.

Yes, it Must be nearing that time of month, which I admit is probably the main problem. And I admit that I don't understand my moods. I don't understand when I'm physically under the weather and Tart just shouldn't push it so much, be kind to thyself, Tart.

I hate that moods can and do change and so darn quickly. I hate that moods seem so tied to who I am and what I can do. I have thinking about being on Disability of late too.

I have decided to do what I can for my family and try and sell my Dad's books on Ebay. I am working my way to being able to open the boxes, maybe just one box that I sent home to myself after going through Dad's apartment those almost two years ago.

My Dad LOVED books, he treated them with reverence and there are some there from the 1980's and beyond in perfect condition. I feel that I have the okay to sell them, as his very good friend told me that Dad had been thinking himself of selling books on Ebay, so it's not like it's a new idea.

I know what his problem was ~ he couldn't part with them! And I know how that feels because I feel the same way. It's just that they would be blessing someone else and help my family out just a little if they weren't sitting in boxes in my office.

I haven't talked about this before. But if I were to start my real selling on Ebay this is what I've got. I know that I'll keep a zillion books for myself, because they are a Father's gift to a Daughter, and I can't part with them all, there is too much sentimental value to those self-help books.

But some things, like books on improving the brain (which I certainly should care about but don't), I have let go of one so far. And it was therapeutic.

Aaug, it makes me sad to think about it, so maybe I am not ready yet. And maybe no one will buy them. But I get a little bit excited about it, because Ebay is a buzz for me. It truly taps into something manic for me, especially if you win something on it.

I just won the book 'Suze Orman's Women & Money' off Ebay. It's coming from a seller with 100% good feedback (always important) and I am waiting for it to be mailed to me.

I admit that it was really a high and I was on pins and needles as I kept checking to see if I was 'still the highest bidder' on the book. I know I can't be alone in this. What gives you a personal high, if you are bipolar or not?

Hello early Janvier happenin's (that's January in Francais)

I got very busy today. Not in a manic way, except that I pulled out many things to do and haven't stayed with them, which is probably more manic than not. But I don't feel revved or feel the motor running.

I did follow through and actually wrote down everything I ate today in my online Weight Watcher's journal. WW online is a deal ~ I think I pay $16.95 a month for the service, which is way cheaper than going to meetings and it fits my lifestyle perfectly. I don't feel energized or helped by going to WW meetings in person. Instead, I feel funny, looked at and not particularly supported. My online thing is for me and operated by me, and it has worked in the past!

So I measured my hamburger helper today (cooked) to a one cup portion (I realize that's not dietetic but I wanted to use up the last box of the stuff!) and measured my broccoli to know how much I was getting. This was a first that I can remember, making the effort to measure. But I figured that I would have no clue how much I ate otherwise. Yaaay me!!

That's the 'joy' of Points with WW ~ you know what you ate, if you stay accountable through the day. I don't use my Points perfectly *yet* (hah!) but I am IMPROVING. And the Tart is all about improving.

I pulled out my copy of "Body Clutter" love your body, love yourself by FlyLady, Marla Cilley, and her friend Leanne Ely today. I have read snippets of it here and there, mostly because my attention span is shot for book reading anymore. Such a shame. But anyway, you can see I'm on the bandwagon again.

I ordered my FlyLady calendar today, as well. I could have gotten one back in August, as the calendar starts in August 08 and ends December 09. I can't live without it. It's got huge areas to write your appointments in ~ it's a can't miss to see when you look at the month and I like being able to see a whole month at a time instead of just a week at a time like in my tiny Pug day planner that I can carry with me. I guess I can write down my next appointments with the County people when I'm there in the tiny planner and then transfer it to my FlyLady calendar when it gets here.

Have you heard of FlyLady.net? It's a free site where they can teach you to clean your house up (you got my attention!), recipes for dinner, and support for as I (never demeaningly) call our 'inner slob.' I love sharing my 'inner slob' with others so we can feel more on the same level. That's just how I operate.

My Wii love is continuing. I have played Every Day since getting it. Now we have purchased Wii Play (cause Wii Fit is still unavailable in our area, not to mention the price) which has Billiards, Shooting, Fishing, a Pong-like game, a Run-yer-cow into the Scarecrows game (never won it yet!), a Find the Miis game and more. Fun, fun, fun! It makes getting your arse off the couch a blast and you don't hardly notice it. The payment to these people for getting me UP and exercising is Worth it!!

I went shopping today at the warehouse store and the regular store. I stay inside so much that shopping is my main contact with people outside the home. I know, that seems sad but I am a fairly happy person. And isn't that precious for a bipolar to say?:)

(*P.S. ~ I've lost an inch!! Yes, since starting my waist measuring thing sometime in early December I think, I lost the lil' bugger somewhere! Goodbye inch! Yer not welcome back on me!:)

Every two years is the big get together with my husband's family. I really like these people. We were so shocked when most of them showed up to our wedding, at a place where all of us had to travel to, and that day was made most special because so much family was there. I will be forever grateful for the love and acceptance of the good people that they are.

So even though there is much preparation to take care of, doing stuff and a little for me emotionally, I am excited and really looking forward to going.:)

Doing stuff-wise, I wish the immediate family would send out their frickin' Christmas lists so that I had some clue what to get them. We have a small budget and I want to know what to get them. I really don't like guessing.

Somehow, I am a little put-off by this, because they asked for lists and we complied, even though that was really hard for Husband (it took him hours between snoozes and thinking very hard to come up with one:).

One thing that is very interesting about Husband's family is that they are exchangers. They openly admit that they may take your gift back to the store of origin and get something they really want, so GET A GIFT RECEIPT and include it in the gift.

This is a very weird concept for me, because in my family you got a gift which you cherished or maybe not so much, but it would kinda hurt someone's feelings if you asked for the receipt and hit the sales day after Christmas.

I guess because his family is so big it's different? I didn't grow up with that many people, and families are different everywhere. Perhaps I am not getting lists because they figure they can take back whatever I get them. Hunh.

Perhaps that is what I am finding a little rude, because I like to *think* about what I am getting people, make thoughtful, literally, decisions. To know that my decision could be so easily discarded and that I better pick a store that they can return the item to, is, somehow upsetting.

It's as though the person plots hmmm...what can I spend for the money you spent at such and such store.

Did you not notice that I took the time to pick you something out? You want the thrill of opening Something, but are going to treat it like a gift card.

I'm just sayin.'

Gifts are not everything. That is not what Christmas is about. But, I say, but I mentioned that I like some of these people a LOT, and I like to give to them. It's fun, it's loving.

Crazy me, I want them to like getting something that they wanted, too. That's why I'd like a list to help me know that I'm hitting somewhere close to the mark. In this economy, in my world, that is only fair.:)

As far as emotionally prepping for holidays, I am starting to realize that there are certain triggers for me, for my illness having a better hold on me and bringing me down.

For instance, the whole what do you do for a living thing and comparisons to others. I must fight, Fight, FIGHT against thoughts of comparisons negatively to others, as the overwhelm of so many people is already difficult for me.

Others are not doing this to me. Low-self esteem or lack of acceptance of myself for myself over the years past - and I am in my head and no one else - has been the most contributing factor to down feelings and thoughts I think when I am around large groups of people.

I am never treated like a leper or anything unkind, quite the opposite, I am very accepted for my quiet ways into husband's family and I must take that to heart.

I must also take care not be the 'energizer bunny,' to be overly manic, cause I get so thrilled and overwrought being around sooo many people. I have been through it a couple times and I am preparing myself to come through with brainwaves (emotions) that are not all over the place.

I am home cleaning today. I almost wrote I am in 'hope' cleaning today. Freudian slip. Hee hee.

Keeping busy, feeling better.:)

Ahhh! Feeling better because I have gotten a lot done, and if nothing else, stayed quite busy these last few days.:)

Yesterday I did not leave the house, but I learned so much about grant writing off of the internet. I really studied this site at www.raise-funds.com from a Google search and printed 14 pages of good stuff, highlighting along the way and getting an idea of how the performance of a grant writer should be evaluated, all the way to actually writing a proposal. Neat stuff!

It turns out that it is recommended that a grant writer be paid hourly or by the project, Not by if the grant is received (or actually granted) or not. The work is in the work to get the grant, not if it is granted!

Also, you should not be padding a request for 'real money' (for the operation or whatever it is you're asking money for) into the request as that's not really right and granter's are not keen on that anyway.

I am learning so much!!

So, I have an actual appointment to meet with a very cool and supportive person at Drop In Center and she said she would not leave me out in the cold, she is really going to help me through this (proposal-writing process)!

I am very much looking forward to doing something that is:

1. Writing
2. Using my dang degree
3. Doing a 'real' freelance job (one that has an actual Association and is in demand)
4. Helping a very good cause that I believe in

The Drop In Center is for the mentally ill by the mentally ill. Some very stable mentally ill women started this non-profit organization with grants and will continue to need them to continue the center.

It really is doing a world of good for a lot of people. People can come from all over to talk to each other, to play games and relax, to get on the computer - and to realize they are not alone in mental illness, and that mental illness doesn't have to be the focus of their life, its just a part of it, and that other people understand.

What a gift these ladies have created! And I'm so honored and hopeful and want to work hard to help them.

Today, I have gone to the library to turn in sheets that I put into the database, return books on scrapbooking for the family (and re-check out two more, he he!) and got books on Grant Writing, to get a better handle on it and understand it more, all before my appointment with the Center next week.

Thank you for the support received on my blog about some of the topics I've been talking about on here. You guys are great! Hugs & blessings to you all!

As an update from Denise at her http://samaritanwomen.blogspot.com/ blog: she thanks the many people for their prayers, and has such good news - her dear niece will get to go home to see her baby and husband to recover from her C-section, and in weeks will go for the heart surgery. It also turns out that the hole in her heart is not quite as significant as previously thought.

I am so glad for Denise and her family, and I haven't quit praying for you, as I continue to pray for so many blog friends.

God bless you all, and I wish a good day for all in blog land. Thank you for your support!:)

Learning to be Happier. (discussion by 'Tart of "The How of Happiness" by Sonja Lyubomirsky)

I have been very busy over the weekend. One of the neat things I did was after a nice lunch at a restaurant chain that serves lots of out of town visitors, they were having a 75% off sale on lots of items.

Including audio books, some in CD form! What a boon! I got "Charlotte's Web" written by and read by E.B. White, "Cesar's Way" by Cesar Milan the 'Dog Whisperer,' and something called ""The How of Happiness," a Scientific Approach to Getting the Life you Want," by Sonja Lyubomirsky.

I started listening to "The How of Happiness" which is so good I started transcribing her words into my Microsoft Word, so that I could look at it and have to look at again, which is what the actual book would do for me easily, I realize, and I just might buy it.

I have been taking quite seriously what it has to say, and I notice that I have not had a serious low or even medium low since I started to listen to it, which is great for a bipolar!

There is a lot of good stuff in there. Right now, I'm learning about the 'Attitude of Gratitude.' The simple concept that we have heard over and over again of 'count your blessings.'

It really is a truth that you can't feel too sad when you really stop to count just a few of your blessings and take some time to ponder them.

I was going to reprint here what I heard, and what I typed for myself, as the eight reasons why it's so great to count your blessings, but the back specifically says 'This recording may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, without permission from Penguin Audio' so in difference to the author and her publisher, I won't do it.

BUT, I can discuss in my own words what I Thought about it. And I must say that it is already making a positivie impact on my life, if not to simply be reminded of 'the attitude of gratitude' and the other 12 common things that happy people DO to be happy.

For that is one of the (audio) book's exhortations as well, that being happy is a do-er sport, one in which we can enhance our happiness by "intentional activity."

Like remembering our blessings, practicing methods to stop negative thoughts, doing kindesses for others just 'cause, "nurturing relationships," avoiding "overthinking and social comparison," etc.

And she expresses that no one is usually good at all the techniques and that we don't have to be, and she has a great test for determining which would be good techniques to focus on.

Yes, I took the test, and I'm glad I did. I'm glad I am taking the time to learn to be happier.

There's probably going to more discussion of this in the future.:)