Yes, I'm still here!

I don't know what to say other than that. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here. I am having a hard time, mentally and emotionally. I am really starting to feel low and am having a hard time fighting it.

Maybe I can come back and explain more. Today I will watch a movie and knit to make myself feel better.

Snow in the Jungle!

Here in the land of this JungleTart we are experiencing Massive Snow. Two feet is on the ground already and 10 to 20 more inches expected in the next day or so.

Please let that sink in.

This is a place that just doesn't experience things like this. This is not Wisconsin. As a matter of fact, my husband's 91-year-young Grandma has been calling us to gloat and frankly laugh at us!

We are exceptionally lucky and blessed as a large evergreen tree went down in our backyard and went in the best possible direction - away from the shed, all other trees and best of all - away from from our house. We also have our power, knock on wood that it continues, our electricity has not gone out at this time.

***
How have I handled the snowstorm and impending snowstorm as a bipolar? Well, to be honest I was kind of looking forward to it this weekend. It was the Laura Ingalls Wilder in me - have you read those books? I ate them up as a child and still imagine a day where I could farm, albeit I want to farm Alpacas, and live the simple life. I imagined being cozy in the house, maybe with some cocoa, covered in Pugs and knitting a slipper, all concepts that very well could have come true except for one thing I believe.

Antibiotics.

I officially have bronchitis, I was diagnosed last week, and have been taking my antibiotic as prescribed since then. I'm telling you it dilutes my psychotropics (medications for my bipolar). I'm telling you this not to say it's true for anyone else, as I would never want to presume for anyone else. But for me it feels that this is the second time that this has occurred. And because of it, it feels to me like I am less medicated and frankly this weekend was H*ll.

I couldn't sit still. I NEEDED to sit still and sleep and recover and Stop feeling Revved up. No doing. I was not fun to live with, I understand, since my husband pretty much ahem told me so.

I have a prn pill (that's a take as needed pill) that I take as a last resort to stop the madness. It pretty much knocks me out. I had to take it once a day, each day of the weekend. I hate to do that, but there was no peace without it. Without it were crying jags, practically running around the house (I was stuck in it, there was no going anywhere) one way or the other, feeling like I had to get a million things done yet a sense of complete ineffectiveness and a general sense of massive anxiety. Perhaps non-bipolars do not relate, I do not know. Maybe plenty of people do relate, I still don't know. But it was awful.

I had sincerely hoped it would be a good experience. I get excited about snow. It is utterly beautiful when it is coming down, especially if you don't have to go anywhere.

I survived this last one and I will survive.

If snow is in your life or in your forecast, I wish you all the beauty of it. I hope all are well. Sincerely.:)

Pretty good holiday.

I did bake sweet potato pie and rich chocolate cheesecake and brought two each to my wonderful work Thanksgiving party, and two to my in-laws (lots of traveling!) and they were loved in both locations!

The work party for mental health consumers was such a success (I work as a Facilitator at the Drop-In Center) and they were Loving the food (so did I!).

And when I brought one each of my pies to the in-laws, my MIL said she Really Liked my sweet potato pie - which is such a compliment aaaaaaaaaand it made me feel good.

So I was away for Thanksgiving and had a pretty good time. I watched my MIL cook the turkey and asked questions (I have never cooked one!) and apparently the trick is using a big turkey bag to put it in when you are going to put it in the oven (annnnnd she gave me a bag so I could do my own at home!!) so that was Very Informative, and yes I'll check it out sometime.

Now is the time to get very cheap turkeys if you hit the store early enough, according to one of my friends whose brother is a meat cutter.

He says the store that his brother works at donates bread and canned food to a shelter/food bank but cannot donate meat because of 'law suits!' He says a 12 pound turkey can be had for $5 because they will just have to throw them out. People are going hungry in this country and it's just a shame that the store can't give those too.

So as far as my time with the in-laws went, mood-wise I did okay with a few blips - I admit to a few burning mood swings, I'm only being honest because after all this is my bipolar blog.

But I think most importantly, they were pretty contained (my poor husband listened to a few upset tirades because I feel safe telling him how I feel, until my mood improved and I'm pretty sure they did not do too much damage to others, bless his heart).

I would like to say for the record that I am Very Lucky to have a person in my life such as my husband who understands me so, is very even-keeled and loving. Truly Ver-wy Lucky.

I forgive myself for my bipolar moments. No one seems too upset about me being me.:)

I hope others had a pretty good holiday.:)

My bipolar so coordinates with my cycle.

It was news to me to finally have it put in my face by my fabulous book 'A Brilliant Madness' by Patty Duke that the above statement is true for many people.

In a way, it's a no-brainer. Sure you get cranky during your cycle, that does not necessarily indicate that you are bipolar of course.

But if you are bipolar, Lord help us all when some of us get our cycles. It's already a cyclical illness and it seems that now there is scientific proof that they are linked.

In my life, it seems obvious now that it is clearly played out that way. Even when I look back on my imood - oh, tired one week, feeling great the next. Oh, they are so linked. I am nearly shocked at the obviousness of it yet how much I never really thought about it, until I read about it.

(For better clarification, scientific proof and case studies see that book 'A Brilliant Madness').

So the other shoe drops.

I am stressed, irritable, cranky. All of it. Even though I have read in my Patty Duke 'A Brilliant Madness' book that your bipolar is likely to strike you during your PMS time, it doesn't help one bit - know what I am saying?

I know that being irritable with people is a sign of my bipolar (as told to me by my last therapist). Does it help to make me feel less irritable? No.

I actually feel a little relieved that I am finally experiencing the crank. Like that is the real purpose of my life, which I have steadfastly been denying all this time, but why not just give into it.

I'm so incredibly stressed about money. I could never make enough to cover all the expenses. It is SO depressing when you do all that you CAN and it is still not enough.

Feeling down again. Since this is my blog about bipolar I thought I should say so.

Actually, it's more like feeling okay...Then feeling down again. Up. Down.

I know bipolars out there understand.:)

I'm getting back into my yarn arts.:)

I love yarn and thread. I have crocheted a few things, and have actually given away scarves and at least one hat to friends as gifts. I made a hat for myself, too. I fiddle with knitting, I did take a class in it a while back and made a pair of mittens, but I was following a pattern and had a teacher looking over my shoulder. She said if I could do the increasing and decreasing necessary for that mitten, I could do anything. Perhaps true, but I am very slow with my projects, and sometimes take a lot of time from them. It may be that upping and lowering of energy that bipolars get, I don't know.

I also cross-stitch, especially when a kit strikes my fancy. I have completed a few kits, most memorably a 'best friends' one for my friend Tracy, and that sweet baby girl one I finished for last Christmas for a family member's new baby. That was really satisfying because I finished it just in time!

My new thing, is that I would like to learn weaving. I would love to have a loom and use it. I would love to have the room for a loom! My office is very 'junked up' to say the least. I am a horrible pack rat, it is so hard for me to let ANYthing go. I honestly think that is an outcrop of the illness as well. I saw my Dad struggle with it his whole life. Pack-'ratness' - genetics? bipolar? or just annoying thing to keep people from visiting? I don't know.:)

Breakthrough!

I went to the pdoc today. I told him to look at me and not his computer, that it was very important to me that I be able to trust him. He obliged and had a real conversation with me.

It was a little difficult on my end at first because I knew there was so much to say and not a lot of time to say it (15 minute appointments, Hello!). I even said I was in a bit of a quandry because of the time crunch and I didn't want to sound like I had 'pressured speech' but what can I do?

First of all, he thought it very smart of me to up that certain medicine on my own. He says he is here to work with the patient and that I obviously did the right thing. (I guess because I'm better today?). He praised my intelligence, which was, well, nice.

We talked honestly about Abilify. There was some questioning as to why I got off it, why I had asked him to take me off it. I explained that my husband was worried about the shakes, and that he worried that they were permanent, especially because he would see the damn Abilify commercials and it said something about permanent issues. Before the pdoc could say anything, and he tried, I continued that I thought the commercial was talking about tarkive diskonesia (a supreme effort on my part to spell that!:). The pdoc confirmed that - he said that the shakes are a side effect of Abilify (and later I confirmed that anxiety is also a side effect of it!) - but they are not permanent, as is obvious because when I stopped the Abilify the shakes went away.

So upshot: we decided to put me on Abilify again.

I am much happier with this scenario than any other, although I might have been willing to go on Lithium again, yes I feel that bad.

For those of you not familiar, the whole drug thing and mental illness is such a crapshoot. The fact is, we are all different and different drugs work for different folks. That is why I am not fond of posting what I am on, or saying to someone this is what you should be on. Also, there are plenty of people that don't want to be on medications, although in my view there are plenty of people that need them regardless. I have been doing this - meaning taking medications and advocating for myself - for a long time. I know, without a doubt, that it is the wagon that I need to be on.

I know that I have the right diagnosis. The more time goes on, the more I read, the more textbook I realize I am. That is a good thing. Thank God, and I mean that with all my heart, that He saved me at a young age with my real diagnosis. I know many are not so lucky.

But what sucks, is that even with the right diagnosis and the knowledge that I should be on meds, even with taking the meds religiously and correctly according to how they are prescribed, even with complying with all outpatient activities, so to speak, the Monster still has the capacity to take me down. I am not immune, nor probably ever will be, to the effects of my bipolar. I am bipolar, or should I more correctly NAMI say it, I have bipolar.

Additionally, that some of you may find of interest, I realize that I must compartmentalize my life, in some fashion. This idea came to me when I was watching a recent documentary on the Kennedys (after Ted's death) on PBS of course (the channel full of documentaries!) and they were talking about Teddy's older brother JFK. Whatever you think about the Kennedys, it clear that JFK had a womanizing problem, even while married to Jackie. They were discussing it, with a cameo of one of the his secretaries saying that he admitted that he just couldn't help it. But what was interesting to me was that JFK certainly had to compartmentalize his life in order to have all the aspects of it, to keep some grip on it. He must have sectioned off, in his own mind, these different aspects of his life, in order to perform all his duties, be enormously in the public eye, be a husband, a father, an occasional runner with the 'Rat Pack,' and so forth, not to mention that he had Addison's (sp?) disease, and worked diligently to keep it from the public eye. He was actually quite sick, it was cortisone shots that made him look healthy for the Nixon debate.

In some way, I know I compartmentalize, because even though I discuss it ad nauseum here on the blog, that fact is I've got an illness with a massive stigma, and I don't wear it on my sleeve for the outside world. I'm sure most of us do it in some way, to keep our lives in order.

Blah, blah. The real point is I have some HOPE after seeing the pdoc that maybe things can be better, maybe Me will come back (which has been a serious concern for me). I will try to keep everyone updated on how that switch from no Abilify to 10 mgs of being on Abilify goes (people should know they can get shakes and anxiety with the stuff. I know I would have appreciated knowing!:).

Gonna go make dinner! Hope Things are going well for blog land!:)
And we're out,
:)'Tart

The tiring virus.

It's been a hard few days. I don't take physical illness very well, I am very hard on myself (and maybe the inner circle too) and there were lots of crying jags for 'no reason.' I admit to feeling suicidal for moments, moments that I quickly try to push away and try to get over, but I did have to promise my safety to a good friend. Thank God for friends.

This virus has hung on for a week now and is tiring. I am Much better than I was. The doctor told me to take Mucinex. I tried cough syrup but that made me feel loopy and anxious and the doctor (his wonderful nurse) said that was messing with my blood pressure and don't take that stuff anymore.

I went to Crisis Training yesterday and wouldn't you know it, it was on Suicide Prevention. Wow, I know we deal with tough stuff at the Center. I actually cried, because I feel that way. (How can I help others if I'm dealing with it myself?)

I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible but my friend caught up with me and I didn't want to look at her because she is so kind I knew I couldn't hold back. But she got me out of the car and wanted me to walk with her and I spilled what was bothering me. Everything is more amplified when I am sick, the fears, the problems seem unsurmountable when your energy is sapped and you just can't fight anymore. Sometimes I try so hard but there are time when you (I) must truly crawl into bed and rest and leave it for another day.

On an entirely different note, I have lost a total of 24 pounds. I haven't been very hungry or maybe my stomach is shrinking because I don't care about food, just enough to feed myself, which is actually a very enjoyable side-effect from all this. I admit I like feeling more in control, not a ravenous beast that must 'feed' like I swear some of the psychotropic medicines make you feel.

So far, still in reality which is a great blessing. Thinking about going back to bed for a little while.

I truly wish all well in the blogosphere. Thank you to all the well-wishers and new additions to readers of the blog. You have heartened the 'Tart with your love. Thank you.

Tart sheds Abilify, goes through med change.

I went to the p-doc on Thursday and just like that, I am no longer on Abilify. Instead, Seroquel in much smaller doses than I used to take it will replace it.

In the process of getting rid of the Abilify, I must take it every other day to wean myself off of it. So I am in the process of doing that.

So far my mood has been stable and I am remaining positive. Hopefully I will shed the shake (my left-hand shaking and jaw shaking), stop the weird involuntary shifting and moving of my legs and Stop the Anxiety.

I didn't think I got anxiety so much until I started taking the Abilify. I did not realize what a debilitating thing anxiety can be until I experienced it. It makes the world a different place for the anxiety experiencer. Everything is a threat, the stress level is high, everything worries me, and I always feel that stress in my lower back. That's me though.

I hope to soon not need the sorting labels at the bottom that say Abilify anxiety.

My left hand feels like it is turning into a claw, it tightens up so much and I'm left-handed. Anyway...

I got out my guitar today. I use the beautiful Yamaha I got in high school for getting better than a B in Trigonometry in summer school sooo many years ago (plus I was just out of the hospital and still somehow managed to do well. My mom made me this deal with the guitar and I love my steel string Yamaha).

I got an Esteban guitar for myself for Christmas a couple of years ago and the guitar itself is crap because the strings go out of tune so easily. I don't know if this is because it is strung for classical and the strings are nylon and simply cannot hold tuning. I hope that I could get it re-strung and it would make it better.

The Esteban also has an amp that I honestly haven't played much with as I am just trying to learn the guitar and the Esteban is not like a 'real electric guitar' like a Fender or a Gibson, which someday I would like to have. Heck, I would like to have lessons, too.

In lieu of lessons though, I have the next best thing, which is the Esteban DVD's. This may have been the best thing about buying the Esteban guitar because the DVD's teach with Mr. Esteban himself the guitar lessons. I am still learning arpeggios and simple stuff and I do it on my steel string guitar and it is very fun.:)

Who's Crazy Now?!!! (a Rant.)

So the whole looking-for-a-new-psychiatrist thing has taken a turn for the worse.

Having to speak to the most inane, insensitive, STUPID secretaries that seem to enjoy dangling your life in their hands is enough to make anyone either quit the search or have to don armor just to pick up the phone and try to make a simple appointment.

It SHOULD be simple. Make an appointment. Go to appointment. Have yer heart ripped out.

I had gotten the list from my insurance, I had consulted my primary care physician and I have abided by all the rules, crossed my t's and obeyed the q's.

Only to have conversations that include statements like "We don't deal with psychotic people (I mentioned I was Bipolar I and tried to briefly explain what that meant and tried to explain that my last psychosis was 15 years ago (which seems like a KEY POINT). I suspect They deal with psychotic people all the time and I even asked her what they do with them when they run across them, because her responses MADE ME FEEL PUNCHY).

It's a counseling center located inSIDE the local mental hospital, which frankly already makes me nervous. Some part of me is not trusting, not convinced that they are not laying in wait to get me in there on a more permanent basis. I know, I know, that sounds silly and unreasonable but few have ever accused me of being otherwise.

So I asked to make an appointment with one of the doctors and Secretary says no he is not taking patients. Not to be daunted, I had a second name, for the same counseling center (I only had two 'approved' names from my doctor out of a list of 20 or so, and I wasn't about to be hornswaggled into accepting just any old psychiatrist. No, I want the best as I think highly of my primary care physician who went to the trouble of recommending them and if I'm going to leave the County after 15 years I d*mn well want good care!!!!)

Anyway, secretary says she can make an appointment with this second person but it will be a couple of months out (which I don't mind whatsoever, what's a few more months of being bled dry by the County as it will take them a while to copy my ENOURmous chart and get it there anyway, I know the b*st*rds.) and wouldn't I prefer a pdoc that I can get a sooner appointment with. Like it's some kind of switch a roo, like wouldn't you want someone you've never heard of, have your life in their hands type of thing all because I, Secretary, don't want to schedule you out 2 months even though you've expressed it's not a problem.

No I don't want the first available. I want someone good. As Suze Orman says, do what is Right, not what is Easy. I am upset that I am being 'handed' (more like fighting for) a psych like Sears sells power tools (and everthing else, I know I worked in the Men's Department!) with bait-and-switch tactics and no care for the effect on the consumer. I am so angry.

Oh, she tried hard. She said ALL their psychs could deal with Bipolar, and this particular psych was their only woman, and they liked to reserve her for the under-30 set. Which I would have understood (I'm really not unreasonable, and for the record I AM IN REALITY, d*mn it!), but Secretary did not put her foot down and say I could not have an appointment with her, only that again normally they 'reserved her' (whose They, and that's weird) for adolescents and she, Secretary, wanted to make me a SOONER appointment.

Which is so odd, because after the conversation she took ALL my information, asked HORRIBLY INVASIVE questions for a person that I don't know and would never want to - COMBATTED me and cut me off on those questions before I could even explain, not caring anyway what I was saying (which really was the most galling part of it) and was incredibly ignorant of mental health issues yet portended such importance and knowledge (making her triply ignorant, even Husband said so) and then said "We will look up your hospitalizations and GET BACK TO YOU. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

That's fine if that's how they treat everybody else. But I am thinking that she is afraid that I am psychotic and will kill her only precious female psych and must evaluate me and my history. That's the impression that I get. I will be pleasantly (??) surprised if she does call back. Really.

I am thinking that she will not call back, until I call next week and ask to speak to the manager, or get Husband to call (which I think I should do all along, as I have become incapable of dealing with these people anymore), or ask my primary care physician's wonderful, NOT-STUPID, gifted, lovely assistant to call and ask them what the deal-e-o if they actually don't call back.

I'm not enlarging the situation, mountains really are mountains (no molehills) and I'm thinking of going to a nearby county or an unauthorized person (on the list but not loved by my doctor) across the street from said mental hospital because this place is a Mickey-Mouse Operation.

On another note it's only Saturday, so it may not be a big deal but it's 4:36a.m. and I haven't gone to bed yet. Yeah. The puppy will be up at 5:30 for pee-peeing. What's the use of going to bed. I'm so wired.

Other than that, I know I'm lucky. I've got insurance and so many don't and I know that I am blessed incredibly to have it.

The County has made it clear that I have to 'move out' of the program, and they made so many promises that they can no longer keep I have to (read: forced) to go through this process and you think, ok, I will make phone calls today, I will make contact with these people and they are awful to you.

I can't imagine what they see, and I am fortunate because I understand that They don't know me, They are just performing a job. But this is my job too, taking care of myself. This is what I do. And apparently I'm a little ineffective at it at the moment.

Mixed vegetable.

I think I am in a mixed state that is leaning more to the depressive side. I have tried to complete things today, getting a few appointments set, taking care of some things on the phone and really feel like I have not got much done. I am hungrier than usual today too, it's weird.

I also decided to listen to these Tony Robbins CD's that my Dad left me. I had thought about selling them on Ebay but then I decided that I actually needed to listen to them.

So tired and good for nothing. My house overwhelms me and I need to do something about it. My inlaws hinted at coming to visit us and it fills me with panic. I have managed to keep most of 'the critical eye' out of my house but soon will come the day when it can't be held back.

I'm embarrassed but I want to either die Or just go back to bed.

Simple definition of Bipolar I Disorder.

Bipolar I Disorder is an illness with symptoms thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals.

People who have Bipolar I Disorder tend to experience extreme mood swings, along with other specific symptoms and behaviors.

These mood swings, or "episodes," can take three forms: manic, depressive, or mixed episodes.

Common symptoms of a manic episode are: feeling extremely happy, being very irritable and anxious, talking too fast and too much, and having more energy and needing less sleep than usual.

Common symptoms of a depressive episode include: feelings of overwhelming sadness or emptiness, low energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, and thoughts of dying or suicide.

A mixed episode includes symptoms that are both manic and depressive.
Source-- this from an information sheet about Abilify, in my 'People' magazine.

Experiencing a time of 'fair seas.'

It's not that I'm overly happy although I am revved right now because I made the mistake of watching 'scrapbooking' stuff on HSN (Home Shopping Network, which I am NOT going to buy anything off of!!:) and I should have kept it on C-Span.

We lowered our cable to Basic to save money and tell you the truth I don't miss the other channels too much except for TLC (I love my 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight and 'Little People.' Wanh! Goodbye!) and the Food Network (God, of course I would miss That one!) and of course my Clean House shows.

But NOW I can watch Lou Ferigno in 'The Hulk' and David Hasselhoff in 'Knight Rider' in his heyday on the RTN channel (the ReTro Network!) and lots of WETA (PBS). And of course, get addicted to the shows that show up on 'regular TV.' Oh how I need technology to sleep.

Anyhoo, I was writing to report that my therapist who I saw on Wednesday said that she noticed for the second time in a row that I seem more clear headed, less jittery, and more even than usual. She asked me if this bothered me, as she heard that some bipolars miss the ups and downs.

Nope. I like being even.

That's what I take this slew of drugs for, that's what has been the goal all this time.

Now I can focus on my real goal, to lose weight (#1 priority, and then there are other priorities, and yes I wrote out my NY's resolutions and tacked them where I can see them every day. It's a trick to remind yerself (think Forest Gump in my diction, here:) rather than have to focus on being stable. That is a great feeling, better than feeling off your rocker constantly. (And I don't mean I feel 'normal' or 100% stable, Gosh no, that's just not for me (sarcasm/anger), just more even than usual, Thank God (sincere)!!!!)

I know I will return to 'off your rocker' stage at some point, or at least I say I'm prepared for it since that's what I do, although I don't look forward to it. It's nice to enjoy some peace while I can.

(P.S. ~ I think I can enjoy being 'even' because I know that I can so easily jazz myself into a slight mania (like over scrapbooking) to lift myself if necessary. There. That was much more succinct.)

Emotional eating.

Apples, Webshots

I realized something this evening (or should I say morning, since I'm still up at 2 a.m.?) ~ something I've kind of realized but now is hitting home for me more.

I definitely emotionally eat (I recognize this from an excellent article from WW online) and one of the ways I do it is to use food to...are you ready for this? Stay up. Yes, I think subconciously sometimes I don't want to sleep (nightmares, previous experience, excitement, a little bit of mania, I don't know what) and I use food to be energized to serve the purpose of staying up.

Along the lines of accepting that this is indeed happening, is the acceptance that I really am bipolar. What? You say. Isn't this blog all about you being bipolar? Isn't every minute of your life enraptured, and reminded about being bipolar? No. I forget. Sometimes I really do. Then I get reminded that "I have a major mental illness" from my therapist, or else the County couldn't treat me. (She means that in a 'good' way, she is giving me part of the criteria of why they treat me).

I've been thinking and searching within.

However, knowing it (I eat for emotional reasons; I'm bipolar) is probably the first step in dealing with either issue, but they are both still a struggle.

To end on a positive note, I got a fortune cookie that said "One of the first things you should look for in a problem is its positive side."

Positive side to emotional eating and bipolar, that I can see so far: Knowing is part of the battle.

Lowered Happy Quotient (aka agitated) for a day or two; and talking 'bout Ebay

But a mere two days ago I had lots of energy and felt, well, happy. Well, I would be amiss if I always gave the impression that life is perfect, and that I'm a happy bipolar. I am bipolar, I am not happy about it, and life is not perfect. Yup, I said it.

I have been agitated and cranky today. And while I certainly am blessed and always am, I realize, I will change my imood to reflect my agitated state.

Yes, it Must be nearing that time of month, which I admit is probably the main problem. And I admit that I don't understand my moods. I don't understand when I'm physically under the weather and Tart just shouldn't push it so much, be kind to thyself, Tart.

I hate that moods can and do change and so darn quickly. I hate that moods seem so tied to who I am and what I can do. I have thinking about being on Disability of late too.

I have decided to do what I can for my family and try and sell my Dad's books on Ebay. I am working my way to being able to open the boxes, maybe just one box that I sent home to myself after going through Dad's apartment those almost two years ago.

My Dad LOVED books, he treated them with reverence and there are some there from the 1980's and beyond in perfect condition. I feel that I have the okay to sell them, as his very good friend told me that Dad had been thinking himself of selling books on Ebay, so it's not like it's a new idea.

I know what his problem was ~ he couldn't part with them! And I know how that feels because I feel the same way. It's just that they would be blessing someone else and help my family out just a little if they weren't sitting in boxes in my office.

I haven't talked about this before. But if I were to start my real selling on Ebay this is what I've got. I know that I'll keep a zillion books for myself, because they are a Father's gift to a Daughter, and I can't part with them all, there is too much sentimental value to those self-help books.

But some things, like books on improving the brain (which I certainly should care about but don't), I have let go of one so far. And it was therapeutic.

Aaug, it makes me sad to think about it, so maybe I am not ready yet. And maybe no one will buy them. But I get a little bit excited about it, because Ebay is a buzz for me. It truly taps into something manic for me, especially if you win something on it.

I just won the book 'Suze Orman's Women & Money' off Ebay. It's coming from a seller with 100% good feedback (always important) and I am waiting for it to be mailed to me.

I admit that it was really a high and I was on pins and needles as I kept checking to see if I was 'still the highest bidder' on the book. I know I can't be alone in this. What gives you a personal high, if you are bipolar or not?

Christmas time, Bavaria, Germany

Hello my Beautiful Blogger Friends!!

I know I have been away from blogging for a week or so, but I will most likely be away this week as well, this time more planned though, as I will be away from home and my trusty computer for Christmas! Yes, I am leaving to go see the inlaws.

Instead of leaving Saturday as planned though, we are delaying ourselves because of the weather in the states we will be traveling through. I consider it a safety measure that any airline flying person would take, we instead are DRIVING, like fools.

My very anxiety ridden self has actually been saying some 'Hail Mary's' (learned from a Catholic computer program years ago), some 'Our Father's' (my grandmother originally taught it to me, she was Methodist) and I threw in the 'Serenity Prayer' along with my morning prayer or 'talking to straight' to Heavenly Father this morning.

When I was doing the fundraiser for my drop in center a few months ago, one of the sweet friends I have there asked me if I have anxiety disorder. You know, I've never been diagnosed with it - as in a doctor saying I had it, or giving it a name like it was a disorder - but they started giving me clonapin to take. I think it's a side effect of Abilify, much like the shaking and the clonapin, which helps with anxiety, was added on for this reason.

So, I am a tense lil person (although not much is lil on me!) and I admit that I am worried some about the weather. But my husband is a very capable person and I am most of all in the capable, loving hands of God. So come what may, we're going to try to get there. I guarantee I will have a white Christmas!

So I most likely will be gone this week, as Husband's 90-year-old grandmother only has dial up I think it will be like banging my head against the wall to get to do all the things I like to do at home on a much faster line.:)

I truly wish you all joys at Christmas time. I know some of my friends enjoy it greatly and others have a hard time this time of year more especially. I wish God's blessings on you all. May we be blessed by one another through Him - taking care of each other as we can.

We have our shopping done, we've got to wrap everything, pack everything, drop off the cat at the boarding place. We will be watching the weather and deciding the best time to pounce and go for it. "...Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death (Hail Mary, full of Grace, Blessed art thou amongst women, Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen - full text)." This has been giving me comfort lately. Hey, it keeps me from taking Clonapin!!:):)

I should be back by next week, before the New Year so I can wish everyone a fabulous 2009 then!! TTYS, Love Tart

:)Tart

Improvement

Whew! Within a day - thank God!

Things that cheered me up after having my brain chemicals wreak havoc on me:

1. My brain chemicals let up on me just a little allowing me to think. Thanks Brain Chemicals!!

2. I performed my face regimen: I had ordered Mary Kay from a friend, so I did my cleanser, toner, and moisturizers, pulled my hair back in a pony tail (because it’s greasy and I can’t handle the thought of a shower right now, soooo sorry), put my contacts in and considered makeup – maybe after exercising which should prove to be a big picker upper later on after I digest cheer-up # 3.

3. Ordered Chinese food. I am now full, and full of hot & sour soup, which is such comfort food for me I cannot express. I don’t know how to make it, therefore I order.

4. I had good telephone calls, that cheered me up immensely and made me know that I am loved. Thank you truly from my heart for those calls. Several were made by me out to the world, but it’s the one that calls in to check on me that is truly kind.

5. I am considering scrapbooking. Nothing serious like my wedding pictures that are an ongoing thing, but a bunch of cards that I have received, like for my birthday and for my Dad’s bereavement, so I can flip through and feel the warm fuzzies. I am trying figure out the best way to deal with those acidic (the paper, not the sentiment, hee hee!) little cards. What a problem.

6. Working on that cross stitch for a Mom that is due TOMORROW (what that must be like interests me greatly, and I feel for her, I really do). Can’t wait to find out Baby’s name.

7. Working on crochet projets (yes, that’s French for project, cause crochet was originally a French word. Yup.)

8. Love up a critter. Reese kitty is always trying to warm his lovely chocolate-colored feet on me. Sometimes I take advantage of it and let him love me.:)

9. Not to mention writing this all out. That helps me mucho greatly.:)

I am just sharing some things that cheered me up, because I printed such a downer below and I did find ways to work on shaking it. It’s a process of forcefully shaking it, not hoping to shake it. Something had to be done, and it's the little things that often help me.

I’m not working on the grant stuff right now, maybe mulling it around in my head. The thing now is the letter that will open doors, that’s a little bit of pressure, but I think I have most of the info needed to do that. Anyway, this is life for now. Ups downs and all arounds.

Keeping busy, feeling better.:)

Ahhh! Feeling better because I have gotten a lot done, and if nothing else, stayed quite busy these last few days.:)

Yesterday I did not leave the house, but I learned so much about grant writing off of the internet. I really studied this site at www.raise-funds.com from a Google search and printed 14 pages of good stuff, highlighting along the way and getting an idea of how the performance of a grant writer should be evaluated, all the way to actually writing a proposal. Neat stuff!

It turns out that it is recommended that a grant writer be paid hourly or by the project, Not by if the grant is received (or actually granted) or not. The work is in the work to get the grant, not if it is granted!

Also, you should not be padding a request for 'real money' (for the operation or whatever it is you're asking money for) into the request as that's not really right and granter's are not keen on that anyway.

I am learning so much!!

So, I have an actual appointment to meet with a very cool and supportive person at Drop In Center and she said she would not leave me out in the cold, she is really going to help me through this (proposal-writing process)!

I am very much looking forward to doing something that is:

1. Writing
2. Using my dang degree
3. Doing a 'real' freelance job (one that has an actual Association and is in demand)
4. Helping a very good cause that I believe in

The Drop In Center is for the mentally ill by the mentally ill. Some very stable mentally ill women started this non-profit organization with grants and will continue to need them to continue the center.

It really is doing a world of good for a lot of people. People can come from all over to talk to each other, to play games and relax, to get on the computer - and to realize they are not alone in mental illness, and that mental illness doesn't have to be the focus of their life, its just a part of it, and that other people understand.

What a gift these ladies have created! And I'm so honored and hopeful and want to work hard to help them.

Today, I have gone to the library to turn in sheets that I put into the database, return books on scrapbooking for the family (and re-check out two more, he he!) and got books on Grant Writing, to get a better handle on it and understand it more, all before my appointment with the Center next week.

Thank you for the support received on my blog about some of the topics I've been talking about on here. You guys are great! Hugs & blessings to you all!

As an update from Denise at her http://samaritanwomen.blogspot.com/ blog: she thanks the many people for their prayers, and has such good news - her dear niece will get to go home to see her baby and husband to recover from her C-section, and in weeks will go for the heart surgery. It also turns out that the hole in her heart is not quite as significant as previously thought.

I am so glad for Denise and her family, and I haven't quit praying for you, as I continue to pray for so many blog friends.

God bless you all, and I wish a good day for all in blog land. Thank you for your support!:)

What kind of things make you feel better?

I wanted to create a list of things that make me feel better and encourage you to think about things that make you feel better.

Now I am a bipolar who stays home mostly. No, I do not have children at this time, though I have a Pug on my lap right now, and am monitoring a very active puppy Pug, as she likes to chew on things, get into things, etc.

I have learned to reduce stress after having been in situations that caused me harm. Years ago, I spent a lonnng time in a mental hospital dealing with my illness. I have been in the mental hospital before that too, with my original diagnoses at age 16. I have worked since I was 15 1/2, that's 20 years of working experience. I have a degree in English from a very accredited university. I gave up my position at a newspaper several years ago because of my own mental stress. I feel like I am writing my bio, once again.

I say all this, because it doesn't matter if you are a working person, Mom (which is always a working person, I know), not working person, etc. - whoever you are - you are likely to experience a depression, at least, some time in your adult life. If you don't, someone close to you will experience something akin to it, or another Mental Illness. (These have been statistical facts that I read from NIMH or Somewhere).

This is not a bad word, or phrase, (Mental Illness) it is a medical condition, and nothing to be ashamed of, but I should talk because it's hard to live with, I don't care what anyone says. But, just like cardiac conditions, diabetes, and other chronic conditons, depression and it's icky 'friend' bipolar (having the lows of depression AND the highs and in betweens of mania) really can kill you, and need to be taken seriously.

Since I am at home, and it took me a long time to come close to accepting this arrangement, and I still get unhappy with it sometimes, I must create my own structure. And I am Still doing that. For people just getting out of the hospital (mental or otherwise), for people retiring or going on disability, maybe you relate to this more. Or, as a Mom that is changing from a working in the 'real world' schedule to the enormous duties and responsibilities of taking caring of Baby (see, I'm no dummy, and I have empathy) you may make a change in your life, a different schedule if you will, but You matter just as much as when you were a 'player' in the world's games.

So without further ado, the list of what makes me happy. If you're a blog friend feel free to write your own list. If you would like to comment with your own list feel free!

Stuff that makes me feel better:
The Pugs first thing in the morning, and at different times my cat: Mia, my little baby Pug loves to greet me as soon as I'm up. All of the animals like to converge in the office and be here together, especially before LUNCH time where they can bother me and give me those Beggin' eyes. After LUNCH, it's okay to go upstairs and sit on their favorite chair, well at least for 5-year-old Emma Pug. Mia still likes to be in Every room that Mommy is in.

Crafts, and thinkings about my crafts. I say that because while I have a ton of crafts that I could do, I honestly don't get a lot done. But things under this category are:
Cross-stitch
Crocheting
Knitting
Wishing I could rove, or make my own yarn (as I have a whole box of roving to work with, and a hand spinner - but no real idea how to use it! And no teacher, Wanh!)
Craft painting - I have attempted Donna Dewberry craft painting, which was very fun, but labor intensive in terms of clean up and keeping every thing from getting painted on. But fun, did I mention Fun!:)
I know there are more crafts, Oh! like Scrapbooking! I really like scrapbooking! And uploading Pictures and working with them.
And so many more!

Exercise definitely makes me Feel better but I don't get much of it. When I do, it's obvious it affects my mood positively. Other times I just Think about exercising, and how to fit it into my day and get some more structure going. Just being honest.:)

I like to blog and comment.

I like to write cards to my friends. Yes, I have real life friends, people to thank, people to send the Love to. That is fun and makes me feel like I have Done something.

Sometimes I have very little energy and the slightest thing like taking a shower and cleaning up is wonderful. I know that makes me feel better, and I bet some people can relate to that one.

I mentioned reading the book on scrapbooking a couple of posts ago. Actually, that is a big deal because other than reading on the internet, I wasn't reading up until starting on the ol' Creative Memories book on scrapbooking! Well, I will be reading the Bible with Tracy soon, and that will give me some structure too, you better believe it, in more ways than one. Looking forward to that, my friend!

I love to read my 'People' magazine as well. I know its not the uplift and good Book kind of reading, but I read it cover to cover and enjoy it thoroughly, usually, depending on my mood. There have been times when the 'People' languished in a box somewhere and when I was in a 'People' reading mood I have gone through it quickly. But it is a love of mine.

One of my absolutely favorite shows on the Tele is 'Clean House.' Niecy Nash and her friends go to a different cluttered house in each episode, talk to the people and try to address 'issues,' sort and sell the clutter at a yard sale, and use that money to make the cluttered rooms Fabulous. It is sooooooo fun to watch! Utterly addictive, I can watch old episodes, I can't wait for the new, I love nearly everything about it, and I wish they had a channel of it, 24-7. Seriously.

That show comes on the Style network on cable. I like many of the shows on Style network, actually. But I am always checking it to see if my fav, 'Clean House,' is on.

I also love any episodes of 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight,' the TLC cable show about two parents, who had twins and then...a set of six babies all at once (sixtuplets?). It's fascinating to me.

They just had an episode where they went on a ski trip with all the kids, plus helpers in tow, and had a great time. Kate is like me, doesn't like snow so much and loves staying at home doing the laundry with the four kids who didn't like snow either (that was a light day for her, just four kids!), while Jon, the Dad, and Cara, one of the twins, had a great time on the slopes!

I love 'Will & Grace' reruns, I'll stop for a 'Friends' rerun, or a 'Seinfeld' rerun, too. As a matter of fact, I often love a show when its finally over for some weird reason. Maybe because they are classics, I don't know.

Well, the Pugs are bugging me for LUNCH. They have amped up their activities and the bugging and it IS time to feed them, so I'll leave my list at this. Feel free to write your own list. It's fun, it's positive, it has a certain 'Cheering Up' factor, may I say so myself.:)