I am thinking of changing the blog...

...such as taking away some of the pinups and making it more 'friendly' to readers (not that I am sure as to how to go about that!:).

I thought pinups were pretty at the time, but they might make some people uncomfortable. These thoughts just occurred to me. I also have my 'happy' blog to have to have happy, nice stuff on it, and this one to be the more serious, day-to-day bipolar things going on in my life, so maybe I don't need to do so much to it. My medicine is kicking in and making it hard to think.

It is getting too late in the evening to change the blog (aand it's usually this time of night that I think of doing such things!!) so I will have to think about it. But know that I am back on the blog!:)

Pretty good holiday.

I did bake sweet potato pie and rich chocolate cheesecake and brought two each to my wonderful work Thanksgiving party, and two to my in-laws (lots of traveling!) and they were loved in both locations!

The work party for mental health consumers was such a success (I work as a Facilitator at the Drop-In Center) and they were Loving the food (so did I!).

And when I brought one each of my pies to the in-laws, my MIL said she Really Liked my sweet potato pie - which is such a compliment aaaaaaaaaand it made me feel good.

So I was away for Thanksgiving and had a pretty good time. I watched my MIL cook the turkey and asked questions (I have never cooked one!) and apparently the trick is using a big turkey bag to put it in when you are going to put it in the oven (annnnnd she gave me a bag so I could do my own at home!!) so that was Very Informative, and yes I'll check it out sometime.

Now is the time to get very cheap turkeys if you hit the store early enough, according to one of my friends whose brother is a meat cutter.

He says the store that his brother works at donates bread and canned food to a shelter/food bank but cannot donate meat because of 'law suits!' He says a 12 pound turkey can be had for $5 because they will just have to throw them out. People are going hungry in this country and it's just a shame that the store can't give those too.

So as far as my time with the in-laws went, mood-wise I did okay with a few blips - I admit to a few burning mood swings, I'm only being honest because after all this is my bipolar blog.

But I think most importantly, they were pretty contained (my poor husband listened to a few upset tirades because I feel safe telling him how I feel, until my mood improved and I'm pretty sure they did not do too much damage to others, bless his heart).

I would like to say for the record that I am Very Lucky to have a person in my life such as my husband who understands me so, is very even-keeled and loving. Truly Ver-wy Lucky.

I forgive myself for my bipolar moments. No one seems too upset about me being me.:)

I hope others had a pretty good holiday.:)

Breakthrough!

I went to the pdoc today. I told him to look at me and not his computer, that it was very important to me that I be able to trust him. He obliged and had a real conversation with me.

It was a little difficult on my end at first because I knew there was so much to say and not a lot of time to say it (15 minute appointments, Hello!). I even said I was in a bit of a quandry because of the time crunch and I didn't want to sound like I had 'pressured speech' but what can I do?

First of all, he thought it very smart of me to up that certain medicine on my own. He says he is here to work with the patient and that I obviously did the right thing. (I guess because I'm better today?). He praised my intelligence, which was, well, nice.

We talked honestly about Abilify. There was some questioning as to why I got off it, why I had asked him to take me off it. I explained that my husband was worried about the shakes, and that he worried that they were permanent, especially because he would see the damn Abilify commercials and it said something about permanent issues. Before the pdoc could say anything, and he tried, I continued that I thought the commercial was talking about tarkive diskonesia (a supreme effort on my part to spell that!:). The pdoc confirmed that - he said that the shakes are a side effect of Abilify (and later I confirmed that anxiety is also a side effect of it!) - but they are not permanent, as is obvious because when I stopped the Abilify the shakes went away.

So upshot: we decided to put me on Abilify again.

I am much happier with this scenario than any other, although I might have been willing to go on Lithium again, yes I feel that bad.

For those of you not familiar, the whole drug thing and mental illness is such a crapshoot. The fact is, we are all different and different drugs work for different folks. That is why I am not fond of posting what I am on, or saying to someone this is what you should be on. Also, there are plenty of people that don't want to be on medications, although in my view there are plenty of people that need them regardless. I have been doing this - meaning taking medications and advocating for myself - for a long time. I know, without a doubt, that it is the wagon that I need to be on.

I know that I have the right diagnosis. The more time goes on, the more I read, the more textbook I realize I am. That is a good thing. Thank God, and I mean that with all my heart, that He saved me at a young age with my real diagnosis. I know many are not so lucky.

But what sucks, is that even with the right diagnosis and the knowledge that I should be on meds, even with taking the meds religiously and correctly according to how they are prescribed, even with complying with all outpatient activities, so to speak, the Monster still has the capacity to take me down. I am not immune, nor probably ever will be, to the effects of my bipolar. I am bipolar, or should I more correctly NAMI say it, I have bipolar.

Additionally, that some of you may find of interest, I realize that I must compartmentalize my life, in some fashion. This idea came to me when I was watching a recent documentary on the Kennedys (after Ted's death) on PBS of course (the channel full of documentaries!) and they were talking about Teddy's older brother JFK. Whatever you think about the Kennedys, it clear that JFK had a womanizing problem, even while married to Jackie. They were discussing it, with a cameo of one of the his secretaries saying that he admitted that he just couldn't help it. But what was interesting to me was that JFK certainly had to compartmentalize his life in order to have all the aspects of it, to keep some grip on it. He must have sectioned off, in his own mind, these different aspects of his life, in order to perform all his duties, be enormously in the public eye, be a husband, a father, an occasional runner with the 'Rat Pack,' and so forth, not to mention that he had Addison's (sp?) disease, and worked diligently to keep it from the public eye. He was actually quite sick, it was cortisone shots that made him look healthy for the Nixon debate.

In some way, I know I compartmentalize, because even though I discuss it ad nauseum here on the blog, that fact is I've got an illness with a massive stigma, and I don't wear it on my sleeve for the outside world. I'm sure most of us do it in some way, to keep our lives in order.

Blah, blah. The real point is I have some HOPE after seeing the pdoc that maybe things can be better, maybe Me will come back (which has been a serious concern for me). I will try to keep everyone updated on how that switch from no Abilify to 10 mgs of being on Abilify goes (people should know they can get shakes and anxiety with the stuff. I know I would have appreciated knowing!:).

Gonna go make dinner! Hope Things are going well for blog land!:)
And we're out,
:)'Tart

Don't throw daggers and knives at yourself.

This is my new motto, repeated internally inside my head. I use it to 'stop-thought,' so to speak, bad thoughts sometimes if I can't be too busy to drown them out otherwise.

I have personally found that I am the one saying the meanest things to myself.

I don't think that anyone would have the canastas to say to me some of terrible things I have thought of myself.

I can sit perfectly still and tear myself apart without ever saying a word out loud. I know it's part of the illness. It says so in my informative brochure from NAMI (also titled, "Bipolar: you're crazy to visit and you definitely don't want to live there." Oh, those nutty brochures from NAMI)

This is not an MSN board, with every crackpot on earth being mean to each other for the fun of it, this is a blog by a person who has bipolar who would like to enrich the world in some way.

So I just want to leave you with that thought for the moment (don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. Endure to the end, remember?) I know I can be my own worst enemy. I invite those of us who especially need to be reminded, that for emotional safety to leave the cutlery in the woodblock.
:)

A really good article that made me feel not alone. (It's so hard to name these posts:)

My life has been very busy lately. I'll get to that in another blog post.

Right now, I have two big thoughts on my mind, one I might share, and one I am definitely sharing Right Now! I am SOOO EXCITED to have found this wonderful article, right off the bat, of all things, in the Yahoo 'Most Popular' section, which frankly means something to me because I never see a well-written mental health article on Yahoo, let alone in 'Most Popular.' My opinion and I'm entitled to it.

Please go here http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090726/ap_on_he_me/us_med_stopping_schizophrenia/print

I have printed this article for my own purposes and taken two different color highlighters to it.

I think the title is little presumptuous, as the article even admits that that they are nowhere near 'stopping schizophrenia,' as they are still talking brain scans and that it is way too early to draw conclusions on what studies they are conducting.

I am willing to get over the typical media over-blown title designed to grab your attention (and that's why this will be listed under my 'some more from the Liberal God_amn Media' label, take it as you will) but read the article, and you will find gems on what the "prodrome" is - the beginning of psychosis, where you understand those odd thoughts aren't right - and a little discussion of psychosis, where that is all out the window and you are believing your odd thoughts (my paraphrase).

Most importantly, and heart-breakingly, and to me oh-so-powerful, you read about the nurse asking the student about the thoughts he/she has been having and the UTTER RELIEF it is for that person to know they are not alone, they are not the only one who has been having these thoughts, they are not the only one the T.V. has ever talked to, for instance - that someone knows enough to ask them these questions and that there is help.

I am also very interested in the hope that researchers are finding in psychosocial treatments, which is precisely what Trillium Center is all about, and I can't wait to show this article to our Director. I still believe in the meds, but this just confirms the power of the social arena for the mentally ill.

I swear it's the nature of these illnesses for us to isolate ourselves and I know how hard it is to hold onto friends while you're in the depths of hell, and this article specifically talks about keeping social contacts as extremely important to holding onto sanity. I know firsthand that is not easy.

Actually, I know firsthand that it is true, as I have had my bouts with psychosis and God only knows (ok my family, too) how the heck I have turned out pretty well despite not knowing anything about anything and somehow surviving it and almost getting to the point where I am thriving (well sometimes. Sometimes it STILL seems touch and go).

The good news is that life goes on. You can survive a hell of a lot, you can make new friends, you can make a new life for yourself.

You are NOT alone. I am not alone. And that means a heck of a lot to me.

Thank God, we talk to each other more now, thank God for that program they're talking about in the article that taught a nurse to recognize a student's real anguish. If all we do is help each along the way, well let's just say, that's the stuff that heartens this 'Tart's heart. It heartens my heart.:)

Self-soothing through movies.

In the past few days I’ve been feeling cranky and good for nothing, so why not watch a movie.

On Wednesday afternoon I watched ‘The Bee Movie’ which is a PG animation movie with Jerry Seinfeld and Renee Zellweger’s voices. I don’t know if I get tired or it just can’t keep my attention span – read: it may be boring for adults – but I have fallen asleep several times during that movie, both times I’ve seen it.

Thursday was a day for drama, as I watched ‘Benny and Joon’ – Mary Stuart Masterson as a schizophrenic (best line ‘Having a Boo Radley moment?’ I love it. I will use that some time), Aiden Quinn aaaaaaand – Johnny Depp. He is sooo hot. I’m sorry, I’m allowed my opinion, he is hot in just about every movie I’ve seen him in.

He renews my faith that there are sexy men in this world, we just never see them because the world’s too busy showing us all the skanky supposedly sexy women for men consumption. Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway ladies, let us revel in this ‘national treasure’ (who now lives in France with his fiancé and children but God bless him, works in the good ol’ U.S.A.)

To further the film fest on Thursday, I watched Waitress (all of these movies I had seen once before anyway). Keri Russell’s character has an abusive/overly needy jerk of a husband and gets pregnant from him. She is a gifted pie-maker for a local diner and just wants to get away from her husband but now its too late, she thinks. It has a good ending, I won’t say more.

For people who keep up, it’s the last film by Adrienne Shelley who is a character in the film, its screenwriter and director and was murdered in real life. Her husband started a foundation for women in film after her death.

This watching movies thing during the day when I’m all by myself is a great thing. I get to see what I want and ultimately, movies are so soothing and thought provoking for me.

I go into another world, I am transported, which is what I am sure movie connoisseurs or even people ‘with no life’ also adore about movies. It’s a way to self-soothe and ‘safely’ open up the world at the same time (watching dramas that I’ve seen before).

I mean I know I’ve seen it before and have a general idea what it’s about and if I’m in the mood for it, but being burnt (because of bipolar) and having CRS (Can’t Remember Stuff (!) I have forgotten many of the particulars, so its new to me! Thank God for movies!

I'm thinking about watching 'The Hours' today. Talk about an intense movie. But I keep remembering awesome bits and pieces of it and Nicole Kidman did an awesome job as Virginia Woolf (I guess it's a mental illness fest this week) that I'm thinking that I want to see it again. At least I want to do something, even if it's just veg and breathe.:)

With a watchful eye.

I am celebrating the inauguration of Barack Obama.

I do it reservedly actually ~ quietly watching, waiting.

I hope that he does do something for the disabled in this country. I especially hope there is better understanding of what it means to be disabled because of a mental illness.

(To be disabled because of a real disorder, it is Not imagined - so there, Scientologists and anyone else who doesn't believe in psychological disorders. Scientologists don't take responsibility for the Full You - brain chemicals and all. Explain my disorder to me then (unnatural mood-swings & all that it encompasses and yes, that's disabling). I would be dead without my mood-stabilizing chemical additives and a little understanding from a therapist, family & friends (perhaps not in that order!)

When I say that I hope that he 'does something' for us, I mean specifically his attitude is of great importance to me. An openess of mind and the courage to put forth the effort to break down barriers in that direction are things that I see great potential for, and that I am hopeful for.

I don't know what the future holds, if this President can be effective or not. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt right now and I certainly hope he will not only put bills into effect, while respecting his bounds as a President, but will be the face and attitude that Americans and the world can respect.

Note: I have noticed that I have mellowed greatly from my extremely angry days in previous posts that I named 'poly-ticks.' I feel almost that I should apologize for not putting a 'my anger in general can probably be triggering' warning on my blog for those previous posts. What a world of difference Abilify has made in my life.

Prayers.

Today I would like make a list of people I am praying for and for what.

It is very much because of blog world that I have become aware of needs in my small world of Other People, and if you want to think about these wonderful people sometime during your day, I invite you to do so.

My friend Tracy, who Needs very much to find a doctor to help her with her fibermyalgia specifically and one who will understand her bleeding disorder and lead poisoning issues as well. Please pray that she will find one soon that will stop her from having to ration her pain pills and be in terrible withdrawal. It makes me cry, because she is a wonderful, SWEET person who does not need to be put through this foolishness.

My friend Stacy, who is Tracy's twin, who is struggling with a son who is very beloved and bipolar and who tries her, and has had a hard week with her job. I am so blessed to know her in blog world and I find her to be an utter delight. I LOVE her comments here on my blog, and I am so glad to know that she is a real person and she deserves to know I pray for her.:)

Mike Golch, a fellow blogger, and a friend to many, as he often sends out prayer requests for deserving bloggers everywhere. Mike, you don't know it, but you give so much, and I'm sorry for the seizures that you suffer often and are a significant bother for you. I think about you often and pray for you.

I add a prayer here for a friend of a friend, in the real world, that I know that I don't talk to often anymore but hear about through a friend.

This person's girlfriend just had a heart attack. She was suffering seizures yesterday, but today is in stable condition, although she is on a respirator. She owns her own house, but if she survives this ordeal she will have to sell her house to pay for medical costs and live in a nursing home. I don't know how much of her life she will be able to regain after this ordeal. I still hope that she can regain strength and I am thinking of my friend who is sad about his girlfriend.

I know I haven't 'covered' everybody, but these are just some that I think of and thought could use a tiny shout-out from my corner of the world.

My world has been greatly made better by being on blog and finding out the needs of others. Blessings to all in blogger land.

Feeling better today.

As much as I love her, and I really like her a lot I thought, I have no desire to see any of Angelina Jolie's latest movies. She does a movie on Daniel Pearl, playing as his wife Marianne, admitting that it really was a downer playing that particular time period (we all know what happened to Mr. Pearl).

Now she does a movie, 'Changling,' where she admits when she first read it she wanted 'to stay as far away from it as possible.' So guess what? I am too. As a person who has spent more time in a mental hospital than her character does in this movie, I don't want to see it, hear it or speak it either. The brief synopsis that I just got from MSN was spoiler-alert good enough for me. Don't need to see it now, thanks.:)

My sore throat was significantly better when I got up today. Thank you to Tracy for your home remedies, particularly the garlic, which I had a lot of at the house and took plenty of. I really think it helped a lot!:) I also had chicken soup for dinner tonight (how did they make that 'terrible' supposedly-MSG laden Progresso only 1 little point in Weight Watchers? AWESOME!).

Spent the day at Drop In Center, some of it discussing the grant I will be working on. I need to get off my duff and work on that!!:) I'm excited, it's for a good cause.

Finally doing better on Abilify.

One of the things I noticed with Abilify was a real sense of anxiety, when I first got on it, which takes about two weeks to kick in, as with most medications, and especially when I was on a higher dose of it.

After much convincing of my Pdoc, after him moving this around and that, I made him see that I was on a little too much of the Abilify.

I have been on a lowered dose of it for a month or two and I think I have found something I can live with.

Negatives: still have some anxiety that I don't think I would have if Abilify wasn't in my life.

I have mentioned before that I didn't think that anxiety was a big deal BEFORE. I now see that it can be quite debilitating depending on the level of it, and I personally can't stand feeling that way. So I am glad to have less anxiety, although it is still there, but is very much reduced.

The restless legs thing. I still get moments where I move a lot. I think Atenenol, a derivative of Propanolol (misspell? I'm sorry) the Anti-shake med is helping enormously. The jaw shake is much, much lessoned too. But both leg and jaw, and sometimes hand shake still exist. An Abilify thing, I believe.

The positives: I am not an angry little beyotch anymore. This is so exemplified in my driving. Driving separates the angry from the sane. Seriously. That's where you'll see it, that's a big place where calm at most all times it seriously necessary. And my Mom will get in the car with me now, and comments on how much a better driver I am. Rainmain: I'm a good driver. I'm a good driver. Really.

In general, my anger is down, and patience is up. How great is that? I do attribute it to the Abilify.

I don't know it's uses in Autism, although I have heard that it is being used now.

As with most medications in different illnesses - bipolar, Autism, schizophrenia, ADD, epilepsy, etc., just like with cardiac and diabetes medications to name just a FEW - it is often a trial and error thing to find the ones that work for that specific person.

Some meds work so well for some people, the same med for the same disorder, does not work well.

I believe it is worth the trial and error to find the right med(s), even if it sometimes means a stay in the hospital, for a better quality of life. It is a choice to live or to give up, in some situations. I applaud the decision to live.

What kind of things make you feel better?

I wanted to create a list of things that make me feel better and encourage you to think about things that make you feel better.

Now I am a bipolar who stays home mostly. No, I do not have children at this time, though I have a Pug on my lap right now, and am monitoring a very active puppy Pug, as she likes to chew on things, get into things, etc.

I have learned to reduce stress after having been in situations that caused me harm. Years ago, I spent a lonnng time in a mental hospital dealing with my illness. I have been in the mental hospital before that too, with my original diagnoses at age 16. I have worked since I was 15 1/2, that's 20 years of working experience. I have a degree in English from a very accredited university. I gave up my position at a newspaper several years ago because of my own mental stress. I feel like I am writing my bio, once again.

I say all this, because it doesn't matter if you are a working person, Mom (which is always a working person, I know), not working person, etc. - whoever you are - you are likely to experience a depression, at least, some time in your adult life. If you don't, someone close to you will experience something akin to it, or another Mental Illness. (These have been statistical facts that I read from NIMH or Somewhere).

This is not a bad word, or phrase, (Mental Illness) it is a medical condition, and nothing to be ashamed of, but I should talk because it's hard to live with, I don't care what anyone says. But, just like cardiac conditions, diabetes, and other chronic conditons, depression and it's icky 'friend' bipolar (having the lows of depression AND the highs and in betweens of mania) really can kill you, and need to be taken seriously.

Since I am at home, and it took me a long time to come close to accepting this arrangement, and I still get unhappy with it sometimes, I must create my own structure. And I am Still doing that. For people just getting out of the hospital (mental or otherwise), for people retiring or going on disability, maybe you relate to this more. Or, as a Mom that is changing from a working in the 'real world' schedule to the enormous duties and responsibilities of taking caring of Baby (see, I'm no dummy, and I have empathy) you may make a change in your life, a different schedule if you will, but You matter just as much as when you were a 'player' in the world's games.

So without further ado, the list of what makes me happy. If you're a blog friend feel free to write your own list. If you would like to comment with your own list feel free!

Stuff that makes me feel better:
The Pugs first thing in the morning, and at different times my cat: Mia, my little baby Pug loves to greet me as soon as I'm up. All of the animals like to converge in the office and be here together, especially before LUNCH time where they can bother me and give me those Beggin' eyes. After LUNCH, it's okay to go upstairs and sit on their favorite chair, well at least for 5-year-old Emma Pug. Mia still likes to be in Every room that Mommy is in.

Crafts, and thinkings about my crafts. I say that because while I have a ton of crafts that I could do, I honestly don't get a lot done. But things under this category are:
Cross-stitch
Crocheting
Knitting
Wishing I could rove, or make my own yarn (as I have a whole box of roving to work with, and a hand spinner - but no real idea how to use it! And no teacher, Wanh!)
Craft painting - I have attempted Donna Dewberry craft painting, which was very fun, but labor intensive in terms of clean up and keeping every thing from getting painted on. But fun, did I mention Fun!:)
I know there are more crafts, Oh! like Scrapbooking! I really like scrapbooking! And uploading Pictures and working with them.
And so many more!

Exercise definitely makes me Feel better but I don't get much of it. When I do, it's obvious it affects my mood positively. Other times I just Think about exercising, and how to fit it into my day and get some more structure going. Just being honest.:)

I like to blog and comment.

I like to write cards to my friends. Yes, I have real life friends, people to thank, people to send the Love to. That is fun and makes me feel like I have Done something.

Sometimes I have very little energy and the slightest thing like taking a shower and cleaning up is wonderful. I know that makes me feel better, and I bet some people can relate to that one.

I mentioned reading the book on scrapbooking a couple of posts ago. Actually, that is a big deal because other than reading on the internet, I wasn't reading up until starting on the ol' Creative Memories book on scrapbooking! Well, I will be reading the Bible with Tracy soon, and that will give me some structure too, you better believe it, in more ways than one. Looking forward to that, my friend!

I love to read my 'People' magazine as well. I know its not the uplift and good Book kind of reading, but I read it cover to cover and enjoy it thoroughly, usually, depending on my mood. There have been times when the 'People' languished in a box somewhere and when I was in a 'People' reading mood I have gone through it quickly. But it is a love of mine.

One of my absolutely favorite shows on the Tele is 'Clean House.' Niecy Nash and her friends go to a different cluttered house in each episode, talk to the people and try to address 'issues,' sort and sell the clutter at a yard sale, and use that money to make the cluttered rooms Fabulous. It is sooooooo fun to watch! Utterly addictive, I can watch old episodes, I can't wait for the new, I love nearly everything about it, and I wish they had a channel of it, 24-7. Seriously.

That show comes on the Style network on cable. I like many of the shows on Style network, actually. But I am always checking it to see if my fav, 'Clean House,' is on.

I also love any episodes of 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight,' the TLC cable show about two parents, who had twins and then...a set of six babies all at once (sixtuplets?). It's fascinating to me.

They just had an episode where they went on a ski trip with all the kids, plus helpers in tow, and had a great time. Kate is like me, doesn't like snow so much and loves staying at home doing the laundry with the four kids who didn't like snow either (that was a light day for her, just four kids!), while Jon, the Dad, and Cara, one of the twins, had a great time on the slopes!

I love 'Will & Grace' reruns, I'll stop for a 'Friends' rerun, or a 'Seinfeld' rerun, too. As a matter of fact, I often love a show when its finally over for some weird reason. Maybe because they are classics, I don't know.

Well, the Pugs are bugging me for LUNCH. They have amped up their activities and the bugging and it IS time to feed them, so I'll leave my list at this. Feel free to write your own list. It's fun, it's positive, it has a certain 'Cheering Up' factor, may I say so myself.:)

There's no shame in shaking

In fact to have the Abilify shake, the Lithium shake, the whatever-yer-on shake, in public no less, is Not a sign of weakness.

No, in fact, for every numnut (I like it spelled that way, thank you) that you feel like looks at you funny, you are empowering someone out there to be themselves.

What is it about our society that is so hung up on appearances anyway?

You've got to learn to love and be kind to yourself and you will attract kindness in your life.

Ignore the rest. Easier said than done, for me, but I know it's true.

I know because although my Atenenol has nearly obliterated my shake, I think about people I know that still do, and some pretty empowering people too.

Now for some of you the idea of having shaking hands or being embarassed of it doesn't even enter your mind. Well, nevermind for you. But for those of you that have it, you are not alone, and you don't have to feel bad.:)

A wonderful person I look up to that started a great program around here for the mentally ill - no no one you've heard of from me before - has got the shakes big time.

And I respect her so much that I thought of how empowering it is for me that she shakes to the dickens and doesn't worry about what anyone thinks of it, and does great, organizing, empathetic things for others and it just doesn't matter.

It's not a sign of weakness, rather one of empowerment.:)

Bad 'dreams' make reality so nice.

I have been feeling a lot of anxiety of late.

I fear the 'motor' is starting to roll. That it's trying to spark the ignition.

Last night is the first night in a looong time that I actually screamed out in the middle of the night, scaring the heck out my husband, and then I would fall right back to sleep according to him.

I would hardly remember doing it, if he hadn't told me about it. He even considered screaming out loud at me out of frustration to show me how it feels (yes he told me this), except he knows that I don't do it on purpose. But bless him, his sleep was massively messed up due to the fact that this was going on.

I feel a little like I could lose it. Knowing that I have had the capacity in the past to do so in the past, scares me.

How many people know what its like to be as sober and with it as can be, in reality, interacting with the world on one hand and doing so for many years and also know that if enough stress builds up, if the bottom seems to fall out for some reason, there is the possibility of being in an entirely other place.

A place where most people just don't, just can't allow themselves to go. The land of psychotica. I have been there a total of three actual documented times and it was Hell. Pure Hell.

And I fear that I could go back there again and even worse, to tell you the truth. Lose all sense of who I am. Lose all sense of who anyone is, except the closest of family, hoping and praying with every beat of my heart that it will be over and hoping that I can return to having some semblance of what is normal for other people.

You can ask Tracy, my husband, my friends, even aquaintances that barely know me, I am a sweet almost glowy person or personality. I am kind, empathetic, loving, you name it and you would Never Guess that I've got this monkey on my back, that I take a slew of drugs every day, three times a day to keep the monster at bay.

For the short term, the monster seems like a small under-current - keeping the moods even, keep me up to speed with the intelligence God gave me. For the long term, the monster is threatening, frightening and can be intimidating if you think about it - keeping another psychotic episode from happening.

For all the years I have had this blog, this is the first post I believe where I even describe a little what psychosis is like for me. I never get specific, that is years worth of thought to tumble out anyway.

In all my years of being alive I've never found one just like me, someone who had to be labeled Bipolar I because of these mind blowing episodes. I've been able to live like they don't happen because so much time has passed between now and the last one.

I must admit reading someone's blog who had recently been through it, must have triggered me in some way. It's not so far away. It's still a part of me.

A part I can't scream out in reality to real people and say 'I have mental illness' the way some people say 'I have cancer' and illicit the same sympathy. Why the heck would you say you have mental illness to someone?

But the PT people ask me what I do these days and I said I work part time. And then they are asking what I do and I say bake. And that intrigues them, unfortunately.

And they are asking me all these questions and none of my answers make real sense because I can't just say (or FEEL so strongly that I cannot say) well, the person who got the grant for this has mental illness and she wanted to provide a job opportunity for people with mental illness. Period.

That is the reason and it would be so simple to say, except that there are all types of people in that room, not just the PT people who seem to really like me, and the one doctor there who I told I was bipolar already too, so its very uncomfortable.

That is the world we live in. It's the one I live in, I think. The same one where I am screaming in my sleep and dying to get it out so badly that I'll spill here. I set up my blog so that bipolars could come and relate and there you have it.

But I'm so much much more than 'just a bipolar' as all of us are so much more than what our ailments are. Sometimes, or maybe for some, even more than sometimes, we are much much better than what our ailments want to do to us. I have been lucky to learn that from some wonderful people, like you blog friends.:)

I truly hope that everyone in blog land has a great day. I'll try to make the rounds. It takes me forever but I'll get there.

Love, Tart:)

Spirtual Brushstrokes Fine Art by Tracy Jo is the 'real deal!'

My friend Tracy has just sold her first print of her painting, "Heaven's Gateway," and set up her new website, http://www.spiritualbrushstrokes.com/, to sell limited edition prints of paintings that she has created!

Tracy is the real deal, as a true and creative painter, a Christian, and so many other roles in life. I am so proud to call her my friend! She is honest from her very soul and has impressed me so much by hanging in there when things got tough (with the printers or setting up her website), never giving up, and always going about her business on the 'up-and-up,' setting up things correctly, thinking every aspect through.

Everything I hear about her business is a beautiful, moving venture, hand in hand with God. It's not easy to set up your own business, and be the creative producer of its product, paintings, and she has handled its ups and downs with the same grace that is reflected in her paintings.

Tracy will not be happy unless the best is available for her customers.

She works to bring spiritual images that she has in her mind into paintings that already reflect her continuing improvement as an artist.

On her new commercial website, http://www.spiritualbrushstrokes.com/ you will find a 'Works' button that shows all of her paintings each available for purchase in 300 quantity limited edition prints.

I hope that you will check her website out, and know that when you buy from Tracy Jo and Spiritual Brushstrokes Fine Art you are buying from the 'real deal.'

Celebrating Memorial Day early

Today I have a friend over, one of the very few that comes over (we invite) during our time of cluttered duress. He is a non-blogger friend who suffers from a mental illness too. We grilled out today for lunch and he's taking a nap right now on my couch.

While we were eating lunch, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to the door. I was just reading their pamphlet 'Awake' and was getting ready to throw it out when I came across a section about teen suicide. Most importantly it stresses that 'things will change,' no matter what you are feeling and that you could learn new coping strategies that you were not aware of before or things could just plain get better.

The idea that 'things will change' is nothing new to this bipolar. We, as human beings are so closely tied to our emotions, and emotions are what's moving around in bipolars, things are always changing. But for me, good close friends and family stay the same and that's something to have a foundation on.

I have enjoyed my Memorial Day weekend so far and I am thankful for the good things that keep me going and frankly that I don't have the stress that many people, and teens, have on them, at the moment.

May we remember to be thankful for the good stuff and if necessary, remind those that need reminding to hold on for the 'change for the better.' It's definitely worth holding on to.:)

I figured out one reason I like People magazine so much...

Eva Longoria Parker without makeup, probably printed in People magazine at one point, and probably something I snagged as an MSN pic (I'm guessing).

...I like still pictures and still words. I like words on a page or even a (computer) screen. But I'm not fond of video, YouTube even, or rolling pictures off MSN. I avoid the videos off of MSN!

TV I can stand, for short spurts, usually at night when I'm going to sleep. I like movies for some reason. Maybe because it's a set plot or it has parameters or boundaries and I usually have some idea what it's about, I guess. But I don't always know what's going to happen in video, and it puts me on edge.

Say it with me, "I'm not a baby, I'm NOT!" It's one of those weird things that I'm willing to let out at this time.

One of the most popular posts that people come to on my blog is the Connie Talbert YouTubes when she sings!

I don't recall what caused me to post that.

Anyway, are there any bipolars out there that like to slowly digest their news, and much of their entertainment?

Especially to the point where it's noticeable and they notice themselves avoiding video's in emails or online? I can stare at a People magazine page, flip the page, and be totally engrossed in it from cover to cover. I invite other bipolar's to delve into the reasons why, because I surely don't know!

Maybe because it stays still and I can be engrossed in what I want to see (and flip past what I don't?).

MAYbe its the control factor, as my therapist suggested today.

I am not bombarded with stuff instead I choose what to be bombarded by, just like when I lay still on my bed in my room, shunning all life on this planet, except for a little HGTV (Home something TV), after eating a Cloapin or two (bad, don't do that!). In other words, control the world - keep that bitch a-WAY.

Maybe because it reminds me of years of having a hard copy, a written page to hold, or even computer screen that stayed still for me to look, think, and edit?

That and E! news on television makes me just stare. Or 'ridiculously' wholesome shows like 'Clean House' or stuff on the Home Network (they are predictable!) What is the fascination?

I don't care what the answer is because there's no other answer for me.

Be an emotional Warrior - Bipolar-style

Be an emotional Warrior.

I'm talking to the bipolar's out there, the one's who know they are, the one's who have no diagnosis but are thinking they might be, the one's in short that this is REAL for.

Choose light, choose right, go for the difficult - be courageous.

The soul is a very real concept to a bipolar. It is under constant bonbardment. It is up. It is down.

You can decide for yourself who or what is causing that. I say that because so many people refuse to believe that chemicals in the brain are responsible. But doesn't that make a hell of a lot more sense than the boogeyman entering your life and doing it? Brain chemicals are almost pinpointable. No?

I understand soul. I am down with that, I am very entangled in it on a daily basis.

I am starting to understand that there is something above that, SEPARATE from that. Separate from the goings ons of my turmoil, my push daily, my courage, even.

That is Spirit. Everyone has got both soul & spirit and its up to them what they do with them, or even if they get in touch with one or either.

I'm just learning about spirit, communing with it, learning the difference between soul and spirit. I'm no expert, period. People write entire books on the subject and I have only a fleeting hold on the concept at the moment.

But I know it's there. I know I'm proud of mine because I've been tested in all three major appliances: spirit, soul and body and I did good (my psychoses, my daily Life). I know, in my heart, that my Dad's in a good place, seeing his family, somehow I'll see him again. Maybe he watches and intervenes in my life, I don't know.

I can't GIVE that feeling, knowledge, whatever, to another. I can only state it and say you'd have to consider that any of these things are possible, if you are wondering, for yourself.

Being an emotional Warrior means don't give in to the dark and fight against the daily, moment to moment dying of the light (dy. of the l. is a song), the really hateful, sad, down, parts, especially. Don't give in to the really low stuff. You know what I mean. Recognize the miracle of how you kept yourself going. We do it daily, and receive nearly 'no props' for it.

I wonder if some people rely on their families and think if they are downers, I must be too. So be even more courageous and fight against the nasty and for at least a little good - for Your own family. Why not be the crazy example of the person who does the right things? It rubs off.

Fight against pessimism, as much as you can. It's fun to commiserate, and share the fights and battles, but it's not everything. The willingness to have an open heart and also try to 'stay in the light' so to speak, is beyond courageous, and people notice it.

That's incredible courage, I've always said, those little wins, those little known things, usually, and that's what a person should try to attain, or attempt.

That's not to say that it isn't hard as hell to fight the illness, nor can any of us be "Happy Harriet's" all the time, or try to be. Some ideal of perfect emotional happiness is just unreal and not right as an expectation for a bipolar. I was told to 'accept who I am' and I'm getting damn good at it.

I just encourage the fight for bipolars and for them to recognize their own worth, their own courage, in the fact that they ARE fighting. You simply wouldn't be here if not. It's what I have to impart, and it's also what and who I am.

Thank you. And good night. Or day, as it were. Carry on. My wayward son, they'll be peace when... well, whatever.

The Face of PMS

From the movie 'Enchanted,' an MSN pic, Susan Sarandon playing 'The Witch'

She's beautiful, talented, messes with your mind, wears too much makeup, is 98% bitchy and 2% Dragon (well, change your percentages as needed). These all describe the excellent portrayal of witch that Susan Sarandon did in 'Enchanted' and ALL describe Premenstrual Syndrome, as one point or another during the suffering. Did I mention engorged boobs, mood swings, and backaches (from un-Enchanting-ly holding up the neck on that dress, OR just because PMS is evil.)

Yes, it's artistic, different and TRUE. Enjoy your hormones. I know I don't.

(But I love Susan Sarandon. Mwah! You rock, Dear!)

A Good Day

Well, I guess life is good today.

I got in the hot tub first thing this morning. I've never mentioned on blog that we have one. It was my mother's, but I think it's going to stay here, even though she is in the process of buying property in Florida and could've potentially yanked it.

Don't get me wrong, I think she would tear it away from our house and plop it on a Mack truck to get it down there, but she doesn't need to because she found a great community place that has a pool AND hot tub, and they monitor its chlorine, all that great stuff.

Our flowers are in full bloom in the back yard, some who's time is nearly over, some just getting ready to bloom, some so open, colorful and gorgeous that there's nearly no words. That is nice to look at when you are in the h. tub, with a large tarp thing billowing above and the sun to your back, and you got up at 9 a.m. or so. and you know you're sucking in Vitamin D.

Aw yeah, Heaven in the Suburbs. Just surrounding me are people who don't have hot tubs, and not the nice landscaping we do. This may be because my family has had 30 years in the same house, and that's a long time to make things pretty, regardless of neighbors. Thanks Mom and Dad. She is mostly responsible for doing that, while Dad made the money for her to do that. True.

So then, I talked to a friend (non-blogger) which is nice, then I got to go to lunch with my husband. This requires me driving to him, something that wasn't happening before this past Saturday, since I got out of the hospital for Lithium toxicity. I was too jangled before, the time wasn't right, and I knew that was a debacle in waiting if I got behind the wheel.

But I'm no chicken and when Husband said, "If you don't drive soon, we're going to sell your car," that pretty much did it. I don't THINK so.

His goading worked and I tried it, driving the car away from a gas station and back home. I cling to the steering wheel a little hard, I feel a wee bit shaky, but worry not - America's roads are safe with me driving on them. It's the rest of the crackpots that there's not enough cops for. (Said like a true Tart.)

So I drove to see him, and we went to the best Chinese restaurant that I know of. I was so looking forward to it. We have been there many times. I knew the first day, years ago, that I got my first Hot & Sour soup there that this experience was primo - it's the only place that uses clear broth for the soup, instead of brown glycerine matter. For Hot & Sour soup afficianados, you know what I mean. I Love it!

And all of their food is top notch and the inside of the restaurant is upscale but not too good for the likes of us. I have told them many times how good they are (they say they are being healthy and are quite humble, but proudly receive our compliments).

The local paper needs to write about them. I think they have, but this Chinese restaurant is in a different county than the paper I worked for. I don't tell its name or location here for security purposes, but let me tell you, I enjoyed every bit of my meal there today. And it's nice to see Husband.

Now I get to blog (fun!) and my Mom got her storage Pod delivered back home, so I'm dreaming about all the stuff she'll want to get rid of that maybe I can sell at the big community yard sale, or Ebay. Yes, I sometimes sell on Ebay (extra new truth made available on my blog) but I don't share my Ebay handle to continue my anonymous (but oh so giving of info and me) presence in blog land. Sufficeth to say, that it's a lot of fun.

So far I've had a good day. I don't know what mood I'm in, except that its not down. I had to take a sleeping pill last night to get to sleep, I was doing the thoughts racing-no way I was getting to sleep in general- thing so recently I must have been manic. Most of all, I'm just happy to be driving again, because it really is the freedom that all the teens and (even illegal?) immigrants realize when they finally get to do it.

I think driving, for me, is beating some kind of anxiety I have, some knowledge of ER's and the inside of a hospital, and how easy it is to get yourself in one, including car accidents, even if it's not your fault, type of anxiety. (I have so many anxieties now). So I'm brave and happy today. I guess I'll change my imood to reflect this looooong post.:)

Tart's Book Club: "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg

Aren’t you in for a treat? I am learning to free up my inner writer by reading a book that I have been holding back for myself all this time. I’ll explain:

There’s a chapter in a self help book that I have left, that to this day that I haven’t ready. I’m “saving” it for myself. I told a therapist about this once and she gave me ‘permission’ to read it. I still haven’t.

I guess I want to be able to fully soak in what it's telling me, have all my marbles together to understand and have it come into my life and affect it beautifully. The sad part is, it's been unintentionally shunned out of my life while waiting for the perfect time to read out. I'm still not ready for that one.

Then there’s this book on writing, that I knew had the potential to open me up to writing better that has been hiding in a certain box, I always knew where it was at, but until yesterday I hadn’t really pulled it out and read it.

And so I am reading again, which is novel since I haven’t felt like doing THAT in a loooong time. And the book, which I knew exactly the location of despite all these years, is great for me, because the chapters are literally 2-3 pages, so I can focus and get the thought.

We had T-bones for dinner and so each of our dogs got the bone from it. I put Mia in her crate (something that usually makes her fer-reak out) with her bone and I decided to hang out in my room with her so she wouldn’t start making those unhappy noises when she realized she was alone.

So, for some reason that's when I pulled out the book “Writing Down the Bones,” 'Freeing the Writer Within', by Natalie Goldberg.

I was told by my professor(s) in college that this book can make you write like a madman, just go and go. I guess I wasn’t ready for that until now.

So, there are writing exercises in it, sure, but it’s the thought process of writing not only as meditation, in other words, you could somehow write instead of meditating, though I haven’t ever Really meditated or know how this could be.

There’s so much more, it’s about letting go; letting go control of the material and letting it all come out, Girlfriend/or Boyfriend.

It helps you start and go, go, go. Trusting your first thoughts and stop censoring yourself – censoring I may do for the blog is editing, a second step from initially getting it all out, the first real step.*

What a joy for me! Writing is one of my favorite things and this is actually a helpful guide that I can finally deal with. I don’t know what this says about me, but now I will be even more capable to delve and talk about me.

After all, that’s what I know – the contents of my life and brain. And what a fascinating, sometimes maligned brain it seems to be. (If you want crocheting, knitting, x-stitch, crafts, pets, pretty pictures – check out my Good Stuff Jungletart's Good Stuff blog)

I may take on the ‘Oprah role’ of picking this as my Favorite book of the moment (besides the Bible readings I have with Mysti, which must have opened me up to reading again. How awesome, Mysti!!!:) and maybe I’ll have global classes for free on it. Just come to the blog. Your teacher Tart is here. I’ll get back to you on office hours.:)

*These are my thoughts on the book, my take on what Ms. Natalie Goldberg is saying. In college/school you learn to synopsize what you read, so that you are not plagiarizing it. I needed to explain what was so neat about this book, and this is what I wrote, with the book closed.:)