Writing Friday

I had a very wonderful Friday, in the sense that I wrote and wrote and wrote ~ tons today. In my notebook. Long-hand. 15 pages. It makes me feel good to do it.

I'm thinking of taking the time to type out all that I wrote and timing myself to see how long it takes. I also wrote a three-page letter to someone that I know cannot read my writing so that will definitely have to be typed as well.

It's ragingly hot here. My desktop weather.com says it felt like 100 degrees outside today. It is just too much. If you have A/C, stay inside. If you don't, go to the library and sit in the A/C, go somewhere that has it.

Thank you, Raine for encouraging me to keep writing on the blog.

I learned about Advanced Directives on Thursday, how to write them and it's about encouraging people to write them.

Advanced directives are about writing what you want, in terms of a psychiatric advanced directive what you want or don't want done in the case of a psychiatric emergency. If you want or don't want certain medications, who you would like or not like to visit you, etc. - it's about making decisions while you are well for those times that you may be unwell and unable to express what you want. Our state seems to be getting more and more interested in helping the mentally ill help themselves, and this is a big one in the advance in that direction.

I may be helping people with them at the Drop-In Center, but I am definitely not an expert so it may be a long time before that happens.

I've got an 'In Our Own Voice' presentation on Monday for our local Clubhouse staff.

Went fishing last Sunday. I used small minnows for bait and for the first time in my life I actually caught three little small-mouth bass. It was a thrill. That little boat and this new discovery has been the best investment. Summer = fishing.

I am also working on an easy slipper pattern in knitting. And I bought some pea green yarn to do a baby blanket. The mom-to-be chose that color in her nursery so I know she likes it. I picked a Lionbrand.com free baby blanket pattern knit it in.

The Jungle is doing well. Little Blossom Pug has a tooth issue that can wait till February so at least I can save up money for that. Both Emma Pug and Blossom will have to have Bordatella and dog virus shots for when they are boarded for this Christmas (it's a Wisconsin year!).

Reese, my beautiful Siamese on the other hand lost 3 pounds in one year and that really concerns the vet. They did tests and he does Not have kidney issues or Thyroid issues, common ailments for older cats (beautiful or no, that's a joke) thank God. So they dared to suggest Cancer. I said no, maybe I haven't given him wet food in a while. Maybe his teeth are bad and he does not like dry food. They said feed him all you want for 2 weeks and then re-check him for weight gain. So I feed him wet food three times a day in the hopes to fatten him up. He LOVES it. Eats it right up. Nothing wrong with his appetite. :)

He loves to be up on the table where my laptop is. My desktop died a few months ago and Husband set me up with a laptop (never underestimate his computer powers - he puts these laptops together himself, he's a computer geek for a living!!)

So now you know what I've been up to lately. I hope everyone is well, and doing the best they can in blogland. :)

Yes, I'm still here!

I don't know what to say other than that. I just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here. I am having a hard time, mentally and emotionally. I am really starting to feel low and am having a hard time fighting it.

Maybe I can come back and explain more. Today I will watch a movie and knit to make myself feel better.

Update.

Our speaking in front of the state legislature went well. It was both nerve wracking (Hello - public speaking!) and empowering. Regardless of what they decide, we did our part and feel better for it.

When we were leaving the auditorium, our Senator, no less, was leaving as well and he turned around to myself and another person from Trillium that had spoke and said, "You did a good job."

Wow!

Then when we left the auditorium, I was walking with a different person from Trillium and a woman came up to us and asked a question about someone that she was concerned about and felt may have mental illness.

We answered as best we could, but the thing that impressed me was that she had respect for us, thought that we might be able to answer her question, and that we were having a dialogue with a complete stranger about someone concerning this subject.

********
I am sick with a cold. I am still obsessing about little things that happened at work yesterday. I am upset that my husband has to go to work all the time even on the weekends although I am grateful that we have a house over our heads, food, etc., I am in short, cranky.

I will still wish a 'Happy Sunday' for all, though. May God bless you and get you through.

Mental Health Matters

I am going to speak in front of my state legislature budget committee on Friday, specifically to address the enormous budget cuts my state is eyeing in terms of mental health (they are slashing everything and mental health services are one of the things on the chopping block).

I must get up super early in the morning to meet everyone at 7:30 a.m. to drive to the meeting, sign up at 9 a.m. and speaking starts at 10 a.m. We get three minutes each. I am still figuring out what I will say, to write on 3x5 cards.

Wish me luck!:)

Today is a day to fill out Christmas cards, work on a cross stitch for my MIL, and read about doll-making. It is sleet/ice raining here.

I hope all are well in blogland. Good afternoon this Sunday.:)

So the other shoe drops.

I am stressed, irritable, cranky. All of it. Even though I have read in my Patty Duke 'A Brilliant Madness' book that your bipolar is likely to strike you during your PMS time, it doesn't help one bit - know what I am saying?

I know that being irritable with people is a sign of my bipolar (as told to me by my last therapist). Does it help to make me feel less irritable? No.

I actually feel a little relieved that I am finally experiencing the crank. Like that is the real purpose of my life, which I have steadfastly been denying all this time, but why not just give into it.

I'm so incredibly stressed about money. I could never make enough to cover all the expenses. It is SO depressing when you do all that you CAN and it is still not enough.

A little oasis.

I started seeing a new therapist this week.

I had actually seen my old therapist for 10 years and then one Friday three weeks ago I talked to her and she said the next week was her last week. Just like that. But for some reason I haven't grieved over that, although I think I might be mad (just trying to gauge what emotions I am having) at how lousy the County system is.

I'm getting out of the County system that I have been in for 15 years and going to use my private insurance that I now have after my marriage. It's taken their charging unbelievable amounts of money for services and being pushed out of the system to finally get me to do it. So maybe it was a good thing that she bailed on me.

So this new therapist experience is really amazing. I think I may have mentioned months ago how I was blown away by the waiting room alone (I saw her once then we had to get an insurance issue fixed, so seeing her this week was our second meeting). It's full of positive sayings, real chairs with pillows, a little waterfall, beautiful music playing and positivity oozing all over the place. So it's like walking into a little oasis off the street.

My new therapist seems very understanding of bipolar. She discussed that she feels that bipolar can be a difficult illness to treat and that for some mental disorders meds don't seem as important as they do for bipolar. That it's 60% importance of the meds, 40% talking/psychotherapy - which I agree with. As a person who has been doing this for twenty years (taking meds and do the talking therapy) I see that assessment and agree with it, for myself.

I seem to cry every time I see this woman. I think she is still trying to assess me, well I know she is, so she has to ask a lot of stirring up questions.

I cried this time having to do with why I relate to Patty Duke's 'A Brilliant Madness' so much when I was feeling my lowest (I couldn't do much more than breathe or surround myself with Pugs on the couch and then I picked up that book off my shelves and Could Not put it down. Read like 80 pages without thinking about it). I tried to tell the therapist that I cry thinking of the larger picture of bipolar, what a monster it is, then I stop crying as I tell her about the book, because someone understands so completely as they honestly recount their life going through it, leaving no detail unspared. I love Ms. Anna Michaels (Patty's real name) for it. Thank you, Anna.

Feeling down again. Since this is my blog about bipolar I thought I should say so.

Actually, it's more like feeling okay...Then feeling down again. Up. Down.

I know bipolars out there understand.:)

I never told you about my two jobs. (Updated advice on Social Security).

Part of the reason that I think I hit a downward slope three/four weeks ago was that my schedule started being very apparent to me. Meaning, it started being very real that I had stuff that I had to be at nearly every day of the week, and it frankly got to be too much. These jobs, I have two, went by the wayside while I tried to recover.

Some people think that a person is not 'recovered' unless they hold onto a job. I don't think that is true at all. In fact, I have issues with the word 'recovery' especially when applied to mental illness, because I think what they are referring to is 'the journey' - not some supposed zenith of perfection, that the word 'recovery' seems to suggest. But I admit to using the word a little more sometimes, because more and more, it is being introduced as lingo in the mental health lexicon.

Anyhoo, my two jobs are:
1) The baking project, which I get paid a small amount for and is the project that I attribute my finally leaving my house to get out there and be employed. No minor miracle. It is actually run by a fabulous person who has mental illness herself and she is doing great things for us, one person at a time. It really is a beautiful thing.

2) Trillium Drop-in Center. I volunteered for them, mostly behind the scenes, for about a year, before being 'recruited' to a paid position. This job has proven to be difficult for me in some ways as I have direct, and unrelenting, contact with people. I think I would much prefer not to, I am not nearly as good at it as some facilitators are at dealing with people, but our wonderful Executive Director assures me that I have a place there, and that we all have gifts of some sort and do belong there. When I don't believe that for myself, I rely on her opinion, and that helps.

Both jobs were very understanding when darkness descended upon me and I needed home time to avoid the hospital. It is still a miracle and a testament to my husband's love that he kept me out. I have said that I thought it cruel sometimes, I still know that I was pushed farther than could ever be expected, but it has brought us closer together.

I never say very many nice things about my husband on the blog, and that is a shame. Because he really is a nice guy, a loving person, and he has my best interests at heart. I express my thanks right now, to him.:):)

So, I have these two jobs, very carefully crafted to Not go over the amount that the SS (Social Security) will allow. That is very important. I know people still come here, wondering if they can work while receiving disability. Remember, I have Bipolar and stress is a real issue in the illness. You can work, I have found, but you Must be VERY CAREFUL to never go over the line. The only reason I am doing this, working either/both jobs is that we are sooooo careful about not going over the line.

I have said previously, years ago, that I was burned by the system, that they were wanting a LOT of money from me and it about drove me into the hospital again. So my advice is be careful, but it can be done, especially with understanding bosses or work set-ups.

A really good article that made me feel not alone. (It's so hard to name these posts:)

My life has been very busy lately. I'll get to that in another blog post.

Right now, I have two big thoughts on my mind, one I might share, and one I am definitely sharing Right Now! I am SOOO EXCITED to have found this wonderful article, right off the bat, of all things, in the Yahoo 'Most Popular' section, which frankly means something to me because I never see a well-written mental health article on Yahoo, let alone in 'Most Popular.' My opinion and I'm entitled to it.

Please go here http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090726/ap_on_he_me/us_med_stopping_schizophrenia/print

I have printed this article for my own purposes and taken two different color highlighters to it.

I think the title is little presumptuous, as the article even admits that that they are nowhere near 'stopping schizophrenia,' as they are still talking brain scans and that it is way too early to draw conclusions on what studies they are conducting.

I am willing to get over the typical media over-blown title designed to grab your attention (and that's why this will be listed under my 'some more from the Liberal God_amn Media' label, take it as you will) but read the article, and you will find gems on what the "prodrome" is - the beginning of psychosis, where you understand those odd thoughts aren't right - and a little discussion of psychosis, where that is all out the window and you are believing your odd thoughts (my paraphrase).

Most importantly, and heart-breakingly, and to me oh-so-powerful, you read about the nurse asking the student about the thoughts he/she has been having and the UTTER RELIEF it is for that person to know they are not alone, they are not the only one who has been having these thoughts, they are not the only one the T.V. has ever talked to, for instance - that someone knows enough to ask them these questions and that there is help.

I am also very interested in the hope that researchers are finding in psychosocial treatments, which is precisely what Trillium Center is all about, and I can't wait to show this article to our Director. I still believe in the meds, but this just confirms the power of the social arena for the mentally ill.

I swear it's the nature of these illnesses for us to isolate ourselves and I know how hard it is to hold onto friends while you're in the depths of hell, and this article specifically talks about keeping social contacts as extremely important to holding onto sanity. I know firsthand that is not easy.

Actually, I know firsthand that it is true, as I have had my bouts with psychosis and God only knows (ok my family, too) how the heck I have turned out pretty well despite not knowing anything about anything and somehow surviving it and almost getting to the point where I am thriving (well sometimes. Sometimes it STILL seems touch and go).

The good news is that life goes on. You can survive a hell of a lot, you can make new friends, you can make a new life for yourself.

You are NOT alone. I am not alone. And that means a heck of a lot to me.

Thank God, we talk to each other more now, thank God for that program they're talking about in the article that taught a nurse to recognize a student's real anguish. If all we do is help each along the way, well let's just say, that's the stuff that heartens this 'Tart's heart. It heartens my heart.:)

The tiring virus.

It's been a hard few days. I don't take physical illness very well, I am very hard on myself (and maybe the inner circle too) and there were lots of crying jags for 'no reason.' I admit to feeling suicidal for moments, moments that I quickly try to push away and try to get over, but I did have to promise my safety to a good friend. Thank God for friends.

This virus has hung on for a week now and is tiring. I am Much better than I was. The doctor told me to take Mucinex. I tried cough syrup but that made me feel loopy and anxious and the doctor (his wonderful nurse) said that was messing with my blood pressure and don't take that stuff anymore.

I went to Crisis Training yesterday and wouldn't you know it, it was on Suicide Prevention. Wow, I know we deal with tough stuff at the Center. I actually cried, because I feel that way. (How can I help others if I'm dealing with it myself?)

I tried to get out of there as quickly as possible but my friend caught up with me and I didn't want to look at her because she is so kind I knew I couldn't hold back. But she got me out of the car and wanted me to walk with her and I spilled what was bothering me. Everything is more amplified when I am sick, the fears, the problems seem unsurmountable when your energy is sapped and you just can't fight anymore. Sometimes I try so hard but there are time when you (I) must truly crawl into bed and rest and leave it for another day.

On an entirely different note, I have lost a total of 24 pounds. I haven't been very hungry or maybe my stomach is shrinking because I don't care about food, just enough to feed myself, which is actually a very enjoyable side-effect from all this. I admit I like feeling more in control, not a ravenous beast that must 'feed' like I swear some of the psychotropic medicines make you feel.

So far, still in reality which is a great blessing. Thinking about going back to bed for a little while.

I truly wish all well in the blogosphere. Thank you to all the well-wishers and new additions to readers of the blog. You have heartened the 'Tart with your love. Thank you.

David, my brother-in-law is healing. We visited on Memorial Day weekend and he was walking with a cane. Now, his mom says, he sometimes carries the cane and doesn't use it and also forgets to use the sling for his arm. But now he has a crack in his tailbone, an x-ray says. But he is coming along.

I have been not doing so well for two days. I went out Monday to help a friend move some boxes and went with another long-time friend. The interaction between us somehow saddened me, to the point that I had to take a Klonapin that night, early the next morning and was out of it for the baking thing and could not go. I am better today. But still feel cry-ey. Maybe it's hormonal.

I found a recipe for hot and sour soup in a Weight Watchers 'Take-out Tonight!' cookbook and can't wait to show it to our baking/cooking supervisor. I love the hot and sour soup at a certain restaurant my husband and I go to and if I was dying I'd like to know how to make it. Having a recipe for it is the closest thing.

I signed up to put my Coke points or 'Coke Rewards' in the computer and get stuff for it. Actually, I've been doing it for a couple of years: I have gotten a Christmas ornament, a coupon for a drink, a subscription for 'Good Housekeeping' (good coupons in there!) and now I'm working on getting 'Everyday Food' a magazine by Martha Stewart about food and recipes.

My left hand shake and jaw shake is really there. I see the p-doc tomorrow and will discuss. My husband has apparently always thought I should get off the Abilify when I started having the shakes (hello, a year ago) but what is there? It has been working in many ways. The anxiety is difficult as well.

Blossom, the baby Pug, is acting really lethargic. It's not normal. And considering what happened with Mia, my little Pug, I Am paranoid. She is sleeping on my lap but I can tell from the way she's been acting all day that something is up. So I made an appointment for her tomorrow morning. Hopefully, it is something easily fixable.

Soothed.

So I sobbed to a friend and saw my County therapist today and in general (which seems like my new phrase!) I feel a little better.

Bipolar is a really sucky disease. My counselor says it seems that only recently have I been coming more to terms with it, whereas before I had some senses of denial. During my times of denial, when I refused to see how bad it was, which still happens, I am able to soar more in the world, complete college, work, that kind of thing. Now that I've had time to be alone and think about it, it is like going through stages of grief to realize what we are dealing with.

I have been upset, I think, because I wish I knew what to do with my life, like it's ever that easy for anybody to figure out. But more and more I am realizing what the illness does, that it does take away, and Honey, it hurts.

Today I will try to focus on what it does not take away. Today I will try to think of the things, the blessings, that I have. I will wipe away the tears I cry as I type that, and go on.

*****

I am thankful that my brother in law is okay. He was hit by a car on Saturday, May 16, as a pedestrian, and suffered a broken upper left arm (he is right-handed) and a crushed shoulder joint (broken in eight places).

He now has steel pins in his arm, a reconstructed shoulder and a foot-long scar. He is so lucky he was not hurt more. Thank you God, for protecting my sweet brother-in-law.

The Therapist and maybe insurance

First of all, the new therapist was mind-boggling!! Well, I should say her waiting room was, which was actually a product of her co-therapist, or other person she works with.

There was New Age music, REAL chairs WITH PILLOWS, beautiful walls with positive messages everywhere, a waterfall - I was so relaxed filling out the new patient forms that I could have fallen asleep - now that's a new one!

I was offered a bottled water while waiting. The other therapist brings her DOG to work with her, an adorable Chow Chow pup (a large fuzzball) - you can imagine how I loved that!

The T. herself seemed perfectly competent, we seemed sympatico, and I liked her just fine.

But I had to LAUGH when she started apologizing to me that I would not always be able to reach her on weekends (as she has a mountain home) as she indicated that I could email her as well - I LAUGHED because I have been with the County for 15 years nearly and I have NEVER been able to get a therapist to return a call on a weekend or in 24 hours for that matter (which apparently this T. does!) and NEVER were any of us allowed to EMAIL a therapist (!) and I have learned to be very independent and not need them for much except the monthly b*tchfest that constitutes a session with my "beloved" County T.

What a difference private insurance makes. (And the perserverance to not settle for the Mickey Mouse operation at the local mental hospital.)

I thought I was in therapist heaven. I thought all was beyond 'well.'

BUT********

I get a call this past Tuesday...

The wonderful new therapist with the New Age music and beautiful walls tells me that her billing person has just realized that they DON'T take my insurance.

But that she has applied to my particular insurance and expects and answer Soon, as in a few months.

Not a problem, I think. I haven't completely cut off ties with the County T., I can stay with her until the new FABulous therapist gets her act together.

So end of that wanh wanh story. I am in wait. For I have tasted the fruits of what real private insurance can do for you! And it's unbelievable.

'Brief' check in!

Costa del Sol La Axarque Andalucia Spain, Webshots

Dwarf rabbit, Webshots

Ah! Still here! I have a meme to do, but I just wanted to briefly check in and say that things improved with the finding a psych thing.

The 'awful people' fully rejected me and did call back and said 'they are not taking my case at this time' and to call back if I wanted to know why. Didn't want to know why - was relieved frankly. Made an appointment with a doctor across the street who had the nicest sounding receptionist and that's all it took - I was hooked.

Went to my appointment and I actually liked the guy. He's fast, only takes care of the meds and gave me a card for someone that could do therapy. That person turned out to take my insurance and I'm waiting to see if she can take new patients.

So it turned out okay. :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. I did. I cooked lamb for the first time, made potato salad for the first time, completely homemade, and baked a wonderful moist cake in honor of the Risen Jesus and all turned out scrumptious.

Had a friend over and he enjoyed his stay thoroughly with us. Watched a couple of 'Harry Potter' movies - they are so well done. Husband gave me a beautiful card and a chocolate bunny, I did the same for him. Even got a nap in. Was a wonderful day.

I have been busy since last Monday listing books and taking care of any glitches in the first ever selling of books for the Drop-in center. We are going through MissionFish, as all of the selling of our books (100%) is a donation to the Center. I'm now doing this as a volunteer project, I may in fact get paid for it someday. It's entirely addictive for me, as now you can see not only the 'watchers' for the people who put a book to watch in their 'My Ebay' but I can see how many views each book is getting. It's like fishing, honestly. Checking how many bites you may be getting. It will be super exciting when stuff sells.:)

I hope you are all well and I will be checking in with you soon. Thanks for checking back with me.:)

Who's Crazy Now?!!! (a Rant.)

So the whole looking-for-a-new-psychiatrist thing has taken a turn for the worse.

Having to speak to the most inane, insensitive, STUPID secretaries that seem to enjoy dangling your life in their hands is enough to make anyone either quit the search or have to don armor just to pick up the phone and try to make a simple appointment.

It SHOULD be simple. Make an appointment. Go to appointment. Have yer heart ripped out.

I had gotten the list from my insurance, I had consulted my primary care physician and I have abided by all the rules, crossed my t's and obeyed the q's.

Only to have conversations that include statements like "We don't deal with psychotic people (I mentioned I was Bipolar I and tried to briefly explain what that meant and tried to explain that my last psychosis was 15 years ago (which seems like a KEY POINT). I suspect They deal with psychotic people all the time and I even asked her what they do with them when they run across them, because her responses MADE ME FEEL PUNCHY).

It's a counseling center located inSIDE the local mental hospital, which frankly already makes me nervous. Some part of me is not trusting, not convinced that they are not laying in wait to get me in there on a more permanent basis. I know, I know, that sounds silly and unreasonable but few have ever accused me of being otherwise.

So I asked to make an appointment with one of the doctors and Secretary says no he is not taking patients. Not to be daunted, I had a second name, for the same counseling center (I only had two 'approved' names from my doctor out of a list of 20 or so, and I wasn't about to be hornswaggled into accepting just any old psychiatrist. No, I want the best as I think highly of my primary care physician who went to the trouble of recommending them and if I'm going to leave the County after 15 years I d*mn well want good care!!!!)

Anyway, secretary says she can make an appointment with this second person but it will be a couple of months out (which I don't mind whatsoever, what's a few more months of being bled dry by the County as it will take them a while to copy my ENOURmous chart and get it there anyway, I know the b*st*rds.) and wouldn't I prefer a pdoc that I can get a sooner appointment with. Like it's some kind of switch a roo, like wouldn't you want someone you've never heard of, have your life in their hands type of thing all because I, Secretary, don't want to schedule you out 2 months even though you've expressed it's not a problem.

No I don't want the first available. I want someone good. As Suze Orman says, do what is Right, not what is Easy. I am upset that I am being 'handed' (more like fighting for) a psych like Sears sells power tools (and everthing else, I know I worked in the Men's Department!) with bait-and-switch tactics and no care for the effect on the consumer. I am so angry.

Oh, she tried hard. She said ALL their psychs could deal with Bipolar, and this particular psych was their only woman, and they liked to reserve her for the under-30 set. Which I would have understood (I'm really not unreasonable, and for the record I AM IN REALITY, d*mn it!), but Secretary did not put her foot down and say I could not have an appointment with her, only that again normally they 'reserved her' (whose They, and that's weird) for adolescents and she, Secretary, wanted to make me a SOONER appointment.

Which is so odd, because after the conversation she took ALL my information, asked HORRIBLY INVASIVE questions for a person that I don't know and would never want to - COMBATTED me and cut me off on those questions before I could even explain, not caring anyway what I was saying (which really was the most galling part of it) and was incredibly ignorant of mental health issues yet portended such importance and knowledge (making her triply ignorant, even Husband said so) and then said "We will look up your hospitalizations and GET BACK TO YOU. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

That's fine if that's how they treat everybody else. But I am thinking that she is afraid that I am psychotic and will kill her only precious female psych and must evaluate me and my history. That's the impression that I get. I will be pleasantly (??) surprised if she does call back. Really.

I am thinking that she will not call back, until I call next week and ask to speak to the manager, or get Husband to call (which I think I should do all along, as I have become incapable of dealing with these people anymore), or ask my primary care physician's wonderful, NOT-STUPID, gifted, lovely assistant to call and ask them what the deal-e-o if they actually don't call back.

I'm not enlarging the situation, mountains really are mountains (no molehills) and I'm thinking of going to a nearby county or an unauthorized person (on the list but not loved by my doctor) across the street from said mental hospital because this place is a Mickey-Mouse Operation.

On another note it's only Saturday, so it may not be a big deal but it's 4:36a.m. and I haven't gone to bed yet. Yeah. The puppy will be up at 5:30 for pee-peeing. What's the use of going to bed. I'm so wired.

Other than that, I know I'm lucky. I've got insurance and so many don't and I know that I am blessed incredibly to have it.

The County has made it clear that I have to 'move out' of the program, and they made so many promises that they can no longer keep I have to (read: forced) to go through this process and you think, ok, I will make phone calls today, I will make contact with these people and they are awful to you.

I can't imagine what they see, and I am fortunate because I understand that They don't know me, They are just performing a job. But this is my job too, taking care of myself. This is what I do. And apparently I'm a little ineffective at it at the moment.

Simple definition of Bipolar I Disorder.

Bipolar I Disorder is an illness with symptoms thought to be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals.

People who have Bipolar I Disorder tend to experience extreme mood swings, along with other specific symptoms and behaviors.

These mood swings, or "episodes," can take three forms: manic, depressive, or mixed episodes.

Common symptoms of a manic episode are: feeling extremely happy, being very irritable and anxious, talking too fast and too much, and having more energy and needing less sleep than usual.

Common symptoms of a depressive episode include: feelings of overwhelming sadness or emptiness, low energy, a loss of interest in things, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep or appetite, and thoughts of dying or suicide.

A mixed episode includes symptoms that are both manic and depressive.
Source-- this from an information sheet about Abilify, in my 'People' magazine.

Facebook & telling the truth as a bipolar

So it turns out on Facebook that people can ping you anytime they want to, because you are online. Just like so many things on that site, I don't know how to work it, maybe you can tell it you are off-line while you are on there. Anyone know?

Anyway, I've been stymied as to what to say to all the high school people who knew me who ask 'Whatcha up to?' or the the worst came yesterday, 'What do you do?'

So being in a mood, and I'm still not sorry for it, I was truthful. Asked what do I do, I said I don't work outside the home (so unneccessary and kind of untrue) I'm on disability for bipolar and help a non-profit with proposals and grants using my English degree. The person stopped typing for a full 15 minutes (it was a guy too).

So in the future I'll cut out all the personal stuff and just say I help a non-profit. Live and learn.

It's not my fault that all that is true. And I'm not sorry for being me. And at least I have a degree, I used to do things, I used to have dreams that included the real world, I thought I was going to have a career and wear sensible high heeled shoes til I was 40 (and then have kids and have the energy for that too - what pipedreams).

Nope, not meant to be. I mean, I'm 'only' 37, but clearly I'm not following the life plan that seems to play out for so many. (The 'simple' stuff like working and having kids).God has/d other plans for me. And that's as poetic as I allow myself to be. (Cause it rhymes, you see.)

But I am still rotten angry about how life has turned out. I do other things, I write, I plan my much smaller life (literally I have forgotten how to travel outside a tiny comfort zone) and have such a long way to go to enter into reality without, for instance, even shaking around other messed up people.

It's not easy if you're high-functioning either, it doesn't seem to matter. I love my friends who are more accepting of themselves and I respect the anger and fight in the people who are coming to terms with themselves.

It's always so fun being truthful isn't it, NOT!:)

Have a great day, everybody. Seriously.

I'm having lunch with Husband today and if I still don't feel like doing anything, I will watch a movie (see below - I'm thinking 'The Hours'), which is like putting myself in a holding pattern, being on life-support or oxygen, waiting for a big awakening into times when I can DO again.

Every two years is the big get together with my husband's family. I really like these people. We were so shocked when most of them showed up to our wedding, at a place where all of us had to travel to, and that day was made most special because so much family was there. I will be forever grateful for the love and acceptance of the good people that they are.

So even though there is much preparation to take care of, doing stuff and a little for me emotionally, I am excited and really looking forward to going.:)

Doing stuff-wise, I wish the immediate family would send out their frickin' Christmas lists so that I had some clue what to get them. We have a small budget and I want to know what to get them. I really don't like guessing.

Somehow, I am a little put-off by this, because they asked for lists and we complied, even though that was really hard for Husband (it took him hours between snoozes and thinking very hard to come up with one:).

One thing that is very interesting about Husband's family is that they are exchangers. They openly admit that they may take your gift back to the store of origin and get something they really want, so GET A GIFT RECEIPT and include it in the gift.

This is a very weird concept for me, because in my family you got a gift which you cherished or maybe not so much, but it would kinda hurt someone's feelings if you asked for the receipt and hit the sales day after Christmas.

I guess because his family is so big it's different? I didn't grow up with that many people, and families are different everywhere. Perhaps I am not getting lists because they figure they can take back whatever I get them. Hunh.

Perhaps that is what I am finding a little rude, because I like to *think* about what I am getting people, make thoughtful, literally, decisions. To know that my decision could be so easily discarded and that I better pick a store that they can return the item to, is, somehow upsetting.

It's as though the person plots hmmm...what can I spend for the money you spent at such and such store.

Did you not notice that I took the time to pick you something out? You want the thrill of opening Something, but are going to treat it like a gift card.

I'm just sayin.'

Gifts are not everything. That is not what Christmas is about. But, I say, but I mentioned that I like some of these people a LOT, and I like to give to them. It's fun, it's loving.

Crazy me, I want them to like getting something that they wanted, too. That's why I'd like a list to help me know that I'm hitting somewhere close to the mark. In this economy, in my world, that is only fair.:)

As far as emotionally prepping for holidays, I am starting to realize that there are certain triggers for me, for my illness having a better hold on me and bringing me down.

For instance, the whole what do you do for a living thing and comparisons to others. I must fight, Fight, FIGHT against thoughts of comparisons negatively to others, as the overwhelm of so many people is already difficult for me.

Others are not doing this to me. Low-self esteem or lack of acceptance of myself for myself over the years past - and I am in my head and no one else - has been the most contributing factor to down feelings and thoughts I think when I am around large groups of people.

I am never treated like a leper or anything unkind, quite the opposite, I am very accepted for my quiet ways into husband's family and I must take that to heart.

I must also take care not be the 'energizer bunny,' to be overly manic, cause I get so thrilled and overwrought being around sooo many people. I have been through it a couple times and I am preparing myself to come through with brainwaves (emotions) that are not all over the place.

I am home cleaning today. I almost wrote I am in 'hope' cleaning today. Freudian slip. Hee hee.

Update on my coming off of Seroquel: the first night

After nearly two weeks of not blogging, I find myself chock full of ideas to blog about!! I will do three little entries this morning, which I would like to add is 7:12 a.m. in the morning. As many know, "I don't do mornings" so you know what a miracle this is.

First thing, I DID NOT MUNCH AFTER DINNER last night!!!!!!!!! What an absolute awesome thing that was, because if you don't eat the calories they can't come back to bite you!! Time will only tell, but I believe strongly that not taking my Seroquel is the key component to lack of munchies last night. I am sooo happy!!:)

But remember, I'm not off it yet. I get two weeks of ups and downs, because tonight I take the darn pill, tomorrow I don't and so on, until I'm more 'weaned' off.

Then, I did finally fall asleep around midnight or 1 a.m. this morning, which is not a surprise since I like to watch a little T.V. in bed and that revs me a little, which I admit keeps me from falling asleep as quickly. Well, if I am medicated, which I almost always am unless I had forgot it, I can fall asleep during my 'last show.' But I did fall asleep without sleeping pills. (Hey, I sometimes have to do what I gotta do, but I do it only when needed). So the P-doc would be happy about that.

THEN, I woke up for Good this a.m. at 6:30 a.m. This is amazing because just a year or two ago, before Abilify, I was capable of sleeping until the afternoon, and then with Abilify (after December 2007) I could easily get up at 10 a.m. take it or leave it, that's an improvement. 6:30 a.m. is amazing!! What am I going to do with all this time? Put some books up on Ebay? Write? Organize? Dance in the morning? Wow! This is a new world! (I hope it lasts, that is my fear with each new 'great' thing).

I was having a little bit of fitful sleep, thinking about how I didn't explain the fundraiser better, because we actually did much better than I explained, and I think I should say so. So I was planning to get on here and write that out.:)