Tart's end of year statements. :) Hello and I have missed you all!!

 

Hello, Hello, Hello! It IS December 2012, it IS nearing Christmas time and New Year 2013, and I AM still Here!!! Yaaay!!! :)

It is also 3:52 in the a.m. and I..am..AWAKE.

I have a regular Dr.s appointment in the morning and I am going to be hating life when it comes time for me to wake up, if I do in fact go to sleep tonight.

Hunh. I have been doing well for a loooong time and I don't understand why I cannot sleep tonight. Could it be that little ol' cup of coffee at 3 p.m.this afternoon?

So I see that it has been since May of this year that I have blogged, so's there is much to catch up on. I should blog more often people, so I can remember what the heck to say. Why didn't you remind me people? Just kidding. I know you're busy. :)

I am going to peruse things, update the Goodstuff blog I think, too, and ponder what to tell you ALL about!

Sleep well, blogland.

Projects, projects - Autumn is coming.

Hello! Five months since the last post!? What is that about? :)
Well, I am here today. I have been doing well. I am getting more and more into my hobbies. I have completed my first sock, knitting-wise, and now working on the second of the pair. I am getting into sewing. There's a great new site (that I totally am not paid to shill) called 'Craftsy' and I am excited to say that I am getting ready to take the sewing class with Diana Rupp on that site. I will tell you how that goes after I take it. I have been working on some small sewing projects, including a rag doll for a relative's daughter and hooded baby towels for twin boy babies, hoping to get this all done for Christmas.
I am enjoying a time of eveness, although I say that and wonder a little when the other shoe will drop.
Oh big change, I am TRYing to do Weight Watchers again. When I am counting PlusPoints I actually lose weight. I have taken a little hiatus from it, and I need to get back on the bandwagon. It's the only thing so far that I've seen has worked for me.
Well it is getting late. Time to take the medicine. :) Hope all have a wonderful Labor Day and that all had a great Summer! Bring on Autumn - lets hope that it is fruitful and kind to all of us.

Wow! So much to talk about!

I am feeling better these days. Actually, I still have
D
O
W
N
S

quite a bit, since I tend to be a depressive. My husband noted the other day that I don't seem to have manias. Maybe he is talking about those big manias that send me to the moon (I've had a few in this lifetime, but not recently).

Yesterday in fact, I had an AWful morning, where I was overwhelmed, unable to get it together, feeling quite low, worthless, sad, yes even suic*dal (can I hide that with no disclaimer?). I reached out to a friend, who wasn't available at that moment (but who did call me back later, which cheered me up immeasurably).

I began to write, for myself, not here to be shared, but opened a Word document and began to rant. Oh it was sweet relief, and instantly focused me. The power of expression and the written word!

I was invited by friends to spend the day, and after some Easter shopping at Walmart, I did so and it was like night and day for me. I'm telling you how I got through.

I have been working, working, working at the Drop-In Center, and have therefore not been here to tell you about it. I have two, count 'em, two In Our Own Voice presentations scheduled this month. We have only done one so far, in January. That one I told you about in February got canceled due to snow. I have been busy and it's exciting stuff!

I have discovered the greatest little EASY pattern for knitting slippers and work on it when I can. It's hard to get anything done when I am either tired and/or the Pugs want to jump all over me. I admit frustration when their tiny hairs overwhelm me too. I think about finding Pugless places to knit so I can set up shop and go at it! It's a fact of life to have either Pug hair or Siamese kitty hair on me.

We have been moving one of my best friends into his new digs this weekend. I am so proud of him. Tomorrow, Easter Sunday, I am presenting my husband and two friends (who are like family) with Easter baskets. I am excited! I can't wait to see if they love everything that I have put together. We are all going out to eat together too. I am blessed that I have made a few more good friends in this past year.
Truly blessed.
I hope that you celebrate Easter as you wish, feel God's love on this special day, and know that the 'Tart wishes you well!:)

Snow in the Jungle!

Here in the land of this JungleTart we are experiencing Massive Snow. Two feet is on the ground already and 10 to 20 more inches expected in the next day or so.

Please let that sink in.

This is a place that just doesn't experience things like this. This is not Wisconsin. As a matter of fact, my husband's 91-year-young Grandma has been calling us to gloat and frankly laugh at us!

We are exceptionally lucky and blessed as a large evergreen tree went down in our backyard and went in the best possible direction - away from the shed, all other trees and best of all - away from from our house. We also have our power, knock on wood that it continues, our electricity has not gone out at this time.

***
How have I handled the snowstorm and impending snowstorm as a bipolar? Well, to be honest I was kind of looking forward to it this weekend. It was the Laura Ingalls Wilder in me - have you read those books? I ate them up as a child and still imagine a day where I could farm, albeit I want to farm Alpacas, and live the simple life. I imagined being cozy in the house, maybe with some cocoa, covered in Pugs and knitting a slipper, all concepts that very well could have come true except for one thing I believe.

Antibiotics.

I officially have bronchitis, I was diagnosed last week, and have been taking my antibiotic as prescribed since then. I'm telling you it dilutes my psychotropics (medications for my bipolar). I'm telling you this not to say it's true for anyone else, as I would never want to presume for anyone else. But for me it feels that this is the second time that this has occurred. And because of it, it feels to me like I am less medicated and frankly this weekend was H*ll.

I couldn't sit still. I NEEDED to sit still and sleep and recover and Stop feeling Revved up. No doing. I was not fun to live with, I understand, since my husband pretty much ahem told me so.

I have a prn pill (that's a take as needed pill) that I take as a last resort to stop the madness. It pretty much knocks me out. I had to take it once a day, each day of the weekend. I hate to do that, but there was no peace without it. Without it were crying jags, practically running around the house (I was stuck in it, there was no going anywhere) one way or the other, feeling like I had to get a million things done yet a sense of complete ineffectiveness and a general sense of massive anxiety. Perhaps non-bipolars do not relate, I do not know. Maybe plenty of people do relate, I still don't know. But it was awful.

I had sincerely hoped it would be a good experience. I get excited about snow. It is utterly beautiful when it is coming down, especially if you don't have to go anywhere.

I survived this last one and I will survive.

If snow is in your life or in your forecast, I wish you all the beauty of it. I hope all are well. Sincerely.:)

Back from Christmas ~ looking forward to a New Year!:)

Oh! Well, I am back from Christmas with my inlaws and am loving life. I am so excited because I am having a New Year's party!

I am looking forward to the party and having just a few guests, and am glad that some of the uncomfortable-ness-es of Christmas are over. I enjoyed some aspects of Christmas (it was nice to see my MIL enjoy and like a sweater that I got her, which is honestly the first time I tried to give her clothes. That was very satisfying) and had fits/meltdowns occasionally too.

These were witnessed by my husband only and he seems used to them although he told me to 'take a pill' at one point. Which I did end up doing, and ended up sleeping it off for a few hours. I got upset about 'being upset' like what the h*** is wrong with me, I felt like a failure actually. But what can I do but pull myself together and go on.

I am quite comfy at home and am glad to be back. And am now looking forward to my party, which as I said will be small but I hope fun. I will get out the karaoke machine (I have an ancient one!) have some food and some sparkling cider for a toast. And some good friends and a wonderful husband.

I hope that the New Year is kind and blessed for my blogger friends and hope that we all get through the holidays as best we can. I wish love and peace for you all.
Sincerely,
'Tart

Want to go back to bed.

I am having a hard time with all of the hardships my friends are having in their lives. I am taking on too much. As a result I am shutting down in my personal life. I cannot take calls today.

I honestly think I am physically sick myself and was having crying jags last night, for what real reasons escape me.

So, I'll be back, the blog remains open, I'm just explaining for those who know me, I'm sorry I can't talk at this time. I'm so tired or else I'd try to do more things to make me happy, I can't even seem to find the energy for fun either.

Pretty good holiday.

I did bake sweet potato pie and rich chocolate cheesecake and brought two each to my wonderful work Thanksgiving party, and two to my in-laws (lots of traveling!) and they were loved in both locations!

The work party for mental health consumers was such a success (I work as a Facilitator at the Drop-In Center) and they were Loving the food (so did I!).

And when I brought one each of my pies to the in-laws, my MIL said she Really Liked my sweet potato pie - which is such a compliment aaaaaaaaaand it made me feel good.

So I was away for Thanksgiving and had a pretty good time. I watched my MIL cook the turkey and asked questions (I have never cooked one!) and apparently the trick is using a big turkey bag to put it in when you are going to put it in the oven (annnnnd she gave me a bag so I could do my own at home!!) so that was Very Informative, and yes I'll check it out sometime.

Now is the time to get very cheap turkeys if you hit the store early enough, according to one of my friends whose brother is a meat cutter.

He says the store that his brother works at donates bread and canned food to a shelter/food bank but cannot donate meat because of 'law suits!' He says a 12 pound turkey can be had for $5 because they will just have to throw them out. People are going hungry in this country and it's just a shame that the store can't give those too.

So as far as my time with the in-laws went, mood-wise I did okay with a few blips - I admit to a few burning mood swings, I'm only being honest because after all this is my bipolar blog.

But I think most importantly, they were pretty contained (my poor husband listened to a few upset tirades because I feel safe telling him how I feel, until my mood improved and I'm pretty sure they did not do too much damage to others, bless his heart).

I would like to say for the record that I am Very Lucky to have a person in my life such as my husband who understands me so, is very even-keeled and loving. Truly Ver-wy Lucky.

I forgive myself for my bipolar moments. No one seems too upset about me being me.:)

I hope others had a pretty good holiday.:)

The Reunion and 80's Dancing was a Blast!!

I was brave and actually went to my 20th high school reunion and had a blast. The dancing was the best part, I never get to do that and have wanted to for a while, and had an utter blast. It's so funny because so many people need a drink or two to get out there and I did the whole the thing completely sober (as I do my whole life, hee hee).

Being medicated properly for my bipolar made me see things differently about high school. Who the heck cares about the old days? I know I'm okay for the future (especially compared to how I felt then - the future could sometimes seem scary, but noone knows how it will be) and I'm so thankful.

I got to see wonderful friends and yes some of those old clicks were there, and yes there were some people that wouldn't even talk to me (!) but some that I was shocked Did actually talk to me. None of that high school stuff matters now, for Real!

All that dancing made me actually exercise on Saturday. So today I actually wanted to continue it, and I actually got on my elliptical. For 11 minutes. Then I was getting worried about my little pug being outside (one of my anxieties) and the phone rang, both giving me good reason to get off. But I might do 10 minutes more today. Let's see if I can keep up with it.

Another thing that made me think exercise might work today is seeing one particular person who had changed the most from high school. She just looked so different, and yes she had lost weight and looked gorgeous, but she was still the sweet kind girl I remember, actually nicer really. I thought hunh, I've got at least 5 more years to shock the heck out of the next class reunion, AS IF I care, but it would be fun to work on it, just for me.

It wouldn't have really mattered if I had gone to the reunion, but I'm glad for my own personal self, because I didn't let something that I was a little afraid of turn me away. I had courage in face of the monster and showed up anyway. Love thyself.

I'm a Polar Bear!!

Polar Bears, Webshots

I went away for the weekend to the beach! I went with the staff people at work, there were 15 of us at a beach house and we had a blast! It was fabulous! We were just two blocks away from the beach, and I did go and just get in a little. Then I decided if I could stick my feet in the water I could get in the pool. Ice cubes!!! But I did it. I swam in a pool that was freeeezing!!

The trip was entirely paid for by the Center, gas to get down there, food (of which there was lots, and what we didn't eat we gave to the Center when we got back), the house - everything. I thanked our Director and she said part of the it was so that mentally ill people could see that they were worth it - worth spending the money on.

Oh! And it was Team Building as well, which we did four hours total and had an incredible time doing it. Truth, truth, lie - where you had to tell two two truths and a lie and everybody guesses which is the lie - you learn so much about everyone!

Or one team building was breaking up into five groups of three and coming up with a Team Building exercise - someone brilliant came up with the idea of a human machine, where each person adds onto the next doing something nuts, until all 15 people are in a circle making massive amounts of noise. It should have been taped for YouTube. Well, we had a blast looking silly and that was Great!

My medicine is working well to bring me back to health, except for the massive eating that occurs at night with the Seroquel. So, I saw the p-doc today and I said (advocating for myself!:):) it should be lowered a little and we are doing that. Hope it works!

I started working another shift this week with the Drop-In Center, (for a total of two shifts which will Not P.O. S.S. (make Social Security mad:):) and the baking thing is over for me. But not the lessons learned.

We recently made sweet potato pie and I can't wait to make that for Thanksgiving or even Christmas and bring it to my in-laws. The one I made in class was from canned yams and it was dee-licious. Truth: I had not remembered trying sweet potato pie before - that stuff is good!!

Hanging on by a thread.

I, the Tart, am not doing well. I have been holding on for three weeks now, trying so hard not to go into the hospital. I don't think it is working. My p-doc made a medicine change two weeks ago and it is not enough to stem the tide, to to stop it, to fix it. I keep calling, hoping that he will call me back. He does not. I keep seeing my therapist twice a week, I don't know how we will pay for it, but I have not missed an appointment. I have bawled. I have screamed. I don't trust that this doctor can do squat for me, and there are not many alternatives. So I may go into the hospital. I don't know if I am going, I don't know when I'll get out. Now you know why it's been so hard for me to post, and that I am truly and utterly just hanging on.

Return of the 'Tart

Oh, it has been a horrendous couple of weeks. How time flies and I have not been on the blog for over a month! I don't like to go that long but I have been busy - I am now working two jobs and who knows maybe that contributed to one of the worst, most montrous lows I have had in memorable history. Of course, my memory is short (a little short-fused, if you will) but it's been bad. Part of it is zero energy, but that doesn't even begin to describe how low the down was, or how far I went with suicidal thoughts. The Aggressor has been working me hard, but I have won that fight, for the moment. It looked to everyone, except Husband who worked hard to keep me out, that I was going to go in the hospital. But I am not. I am still here. Boo to you, Aggressor, I win.

Well sure there's more to say, lots happens in a month, but these past two weeks have been utterly unbelievable. I have been at a loss as to what to say on blog, and zero energy if I could even formulate a post. So the Tart is back. Here's to hanging in there, to Life, to living. I hope blogland is well.
Sincerely,
'Tart

Back from Vacation

I had a wonderful week, visiting my Mom. I went fishing, caught a Spanish Mackeral (a very weird fish with teeth!), saw dolphins, boated, saw beautiful beaches, ate the best shrimp ever, swam in the pool nearly every day (and got a rooster red sunburn mostly on my back!), had long talks with my Mom, and even played pool with my Mom. It was a very special time and she looks great. She is very healthy right now and happy.

I also visited my inlaws. It is always a bit of trial for me to go there. I am not sure what it is but I feel squashed there. The moods come up and there is strong encouragement, just by weird osmosis, for me to suppress who I am and what I feel. As long as I make everything look normal, they are happy. Wanda talked about 'undamaged wealthy people' on her blog, and I am sure that these must be them. The thing is that they are damaged people too, its just about suppression of their own selves and others, in this case anyway.

But when I get on the road and start coming home and listen to some music and talk to my husband eventually I shake off those bad feelings. I am so glad to be home and have the Jungle all together again. We brought the dogs with us and pet-moteled the cat. I know Reese kitty is glad to be home too (it's too loud for Princely kitties in the pet motel!)

The sunburn is bad, but the sunburn spray is Cold and icky so I am just handling it. It's good to be back and I will visit you all as I can.:)
Good times to you,
Tart

I have some pictures of my Spanish Mackeral catch that I can put up on the 'Good Stuff' blog. Give me a couple of days to get my pics loaded on the computer.:)

Out sick.

I am not feeling well physically. I have an eye problem which I got drops for and my throat was afire this morning which chloroseptic helped. I have been taking it easy, but I guess I need to sleep today, which I will try to do.

I am really saddened by the Michael Jackson thing, as well as Farrah Fawcett deaths and I may elaborate further on future posts.

I hope all are well and I wish blessings in the blog world. I'll be back to post when I have more energy.

My husband is taking care of me, bless him. I'm sorry I haven't visited blogs in a while, I have been busy, before I got sick. I can tell you about that later. God bless, and have a good weekend.
Sincerely,
Tart

Go-in's ons in the Jungle:)

I haven't been in blogland for a bit.

I started walking with the Weight Watcher's Momentum Challenge. The goal (for some people) is to walk or even run a 5k race - I just want to go from couch potato to...being more fit.

But we meet each Monday evening to walk and have 'homework' - this week it is to walk 15 minutes a day for 5 days.

I have also been involved with my Ebay project. We sold a book! Yaaay! And I just downloaded Turbo Lister and have been trying to figure that out all morning.

Then there's the baking thing which I go to today, shortly. We have a new person which threw a wrench in it for me, as he talks NON stop but I am hoping that he will calm down, maybe he is just nervous. Hope so, because I promised I wouldn't quit over anything, not even annoying, stupid co-workers.

The A.C. is out and wouldn't you know it, it got hot around here. But a fan to cool me off, and I am feeling okay.

Blossom, (that is new puppy's name!) has started puppy school at the local pet place, and she will be getting spayed in early May. She is still learning to potty train, but doing so well for a four-month-old!! (Almost 5 months). She loves being around her mommy!

I have an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. She sounds nice on the phone. We'll see how it goes, but I feel pretty positive about it.

New label: exercise! I haven't had that one on my blogs before because I haven't been trying consistently. Wow! New stuff.

Christmas time, Bavaria, Germany

Hello my Beautiful Blogger Friends!!

I know I have been away from blogging for a week or so, but I will most likely be away this week as well, this time more planned though, as I will be away from home and my trusty computer for Christmas! Yes, I am leaving to go see the inlaws.

Instead of leaving Saturday as planned though, we are delaying ourselves because of the weather in the states we will be traveling through. I consider it a safety measure that any airline flying person would take, we instead are DRIVING, like fools.

My very anxiety ridden self has actually been saying some 'Hail Mary's' (learned from a Catholic computer program years ago), some 'Our Father's' (my grandmother originally taught it to me, she was Methodist) and I threw in the 'Serenity Prayer' along with my morning prayer or 'talking to straight' to Heavenly Father this morning.

When I was doing the fundraiser for my drop in center a few months ago, one of the sweet friends I have there asked me if I have anxiety disorder. You know, I've never been diagnosed with it - as in a doctor saying I had it, or giving it a name like it was a disorder - but they started giving me clonapin to take. I think it's a side effect of Abilify, much like the shaking and the clonapin, which helps with anxiety, was added on for this reason.

So, I am a tense lil person (although not much is lil on me!) and I admit that I am worried some about the weather. But my husband is a very capable person and I am most of all in the capable, loving hands of God. So come what may, we're going to try to get there. I guarantee I will have a white Christmas!

So I most likely will be gone this week, as Husband's 90-year-old grandmother only has dial up I think it will be like banging my head against the wall to get to do all the things I like to do at home on a much faster line.:)

I truly wish you all joys at Christmas time. I know some of my friends enjoy it greatly and others have a hard time this time of year more especially. I wish God's blessings on you all. May we be blessed by one another through Him - taking care of each other as we can.

We have our shopping done, we've got to wrap everything, pack everything, drop off the cat at the boarding place. We will be watching the weather and deciding the best time to pounce and go for it. "...Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death (Hail Mary, full of Grace, Blessed art thou amongst women, Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen - full text)." This has been giving me comfort lately. Hey, it keeps me from taking Clonapin!!:):)

I should be back by next week, before the New Year so I can wish everyone a fabulous 2009 then!! TTYS, Love Tart

:)Tart

Will B Gone for the Holiday:)

Greece, The Cyclades Islands, Webshots. (Not going here, but isn't it beautiful? I'm thankful for scenes like this.:)

Collection of kitties, Webshots.

Made my cupcakes today, after getting up early and taking Husband to work since my car's battery/alternator has given up the ghost (a-nother expense!!) and the only way to have a car is to share.

I had to take my beautiful Siamese to the kennel today. I felt like I was signing away my only child (my Pugs are a different kind of children) to the nut house, where he was not going to understand that I was coming back for him, an' it made me sad.

We are going to see the inlaws. Everyone - have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am thankful for many things, amongst them wonderful friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

My Blue Beach Shoes & Ocean Sounds:)

I'm baaaack!!

I went to the beach last weekend and had a wonderful time!

I had some time to walk along the beach, sit at the beach, shop around the beach, eat at wonderful places, chill at a very nice hotel and get into a saltwater pool, no less, and in general Had a Blast!!:):)

Please enjoy the sounds of peace and calm from last week.

Yours,

Tart

Going on a weekend vacation!

I am preparing to leave for my vacation which officially starts tomorrow. My husband will come home tonight and try to get all his stuff together, but I imagine he'll really try tomorrow after we get up in the morning.

I am excited, like a kid, about my birthday.:)

My husband's Mom, yes, my MIL, is planning to cook a steak and crableg dinner and get me a cake, since we'll be there for dinner. Isn't that nice?! Then, I guess on Friday, we (Husband, inlaws including BIL) will travel to the beach. I'm not one for crowds, and it is Labor Day weekend, but somehow I think it will be alright and fun!:)

I am looking forward to being poolside and in the pool. I told you all about the horrible bug bite that I got on my leg a few weeks ago. That has nearly healed up with a ton of antibiotics that I'm still taking. The PT (physical therapy) people told me to keep it out of the sun, as it may scar! Wow!

Well, Husband got bit too! On the tummy, where his pant band makes it impossible for him to let the gross infected bite breathe, as he must keep it wrapped up. He went back to the Doc today. More antibiotics for him and No swimming!

I feel pretty sure we got these bug bites outside. It's a weird coincidence that we both got bit, both got infected and had to have mega doses of antibiotics, according to the Doc.

So anyway, I will be gone for the weekend, and I wish everyone in blogger land a safe, blessed and wonderful Holiday weekend.:)

Tracy's site, Spiritual Brush Strokes, is experiencing technical difficulties on Explorer

If you use Internet Explorer to open and view Tracy's website (Spiritual Brush Strokes ) you will find that there is a little 'glitch' in it, as of this evening any way, where you can't open it (on Explorer, it works fine on Mozilla:).

I'm letting anyone know this who comes here, that she is waiting to see if Blogger will get over their 'little problems' and let her publish for everyone very soon.:)

I was in contact with her and she just wanted her Blogger Land friends to know that she was feeling a little grounded (especially because her ability to comment wasn't working for a bit but Now They Are!:) but that she expects this to work out soon. Let's hope so!!

I am going fishing A-gain in the morning, so I best be off to beddy-bye. Wish me luck!! I'll report back soon.
Love,
Tart

Check out the my 'sister blog' of joyousness!

Just missing Tracy something Fierce and posting a few good things over on my other blog of joyousness this evening. :)

I have pictures of my fish I caught on Tuesday, July 15th, and a rundown of all the wonderful things I have made so far at my bakery job as well as the recipe of what I cooked in a slow cooker this evening so that I could have a yummy dinner with my Husband and not have to run to McDonald's or the like tonight.

I don't know if Tracy knows how much she is missed, but I guess she will when she returns from vacation in the next couple of days.:) I consider her one of my best friends, heck I don't have many friends, so this is just going on Tooo Long and I will be so Glad when she is back!:)

So, I'm done posting for the evening, I'll see ya later!:)
:)Tart