This is a beautiful poem and webpage that truly captures what it really does mean to live. For me reading it, right after my father's death, it has such a special poignancy a real meaning because it rings so true. It gets right to the heart of what matters in life, and what won't. Because it has copyright, I didn't try to contact the poet but instead am posting the beautiful site where you can find it. Peace.
Tart
http://susie1114.com/LiveALife.html
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
It's a no-pic day on blogger today.
Imagine, if you will, a knarly lone tree in the middle of a green field. It's a strange tree, all by itself, with all of its branches flowing toward the left.
That would be my lone tree that won't print today on God's blessed Blogger. Fine. I'm no poet, but I just described it. I wanted it to be here at the top.
It's okay to be a lone individual. To be different. The key is to involve yourself in something positive, be it something positive for yourself that nobody sees, or may it flow over and affect other's lives positively.
Sit seething in your anger and it can _only go to bad places_. For YOU. If you find you cannot control your anger you owe it to TALK to someone, because that is a protection of OTHERS if not yourself.
Don't ever think you have the right to _take away (lives)_ from others or use your judgement to hurt others. That will righteously get you in jail, if you're caught by human hands, or into the gates of Hell even if you think you are so swift as to not be judged by humans.
What I don't understand about this situation with the asshole who did what any numnut with way too much rage and _access to guns_, is how they can say 'no one knew him' (aka: no one will take remote responsibility for no one catching the nut job beforehand).
The guy was an English major, a Senior no less, writing such disturbing stuff that he was sent to counseling AND his teacher admitted feeling VERY uncomfortable in his presence. HOW did he get so far in college writing frightening crap, almost graduating no less. THIS ONE THING is what we need to be looking for in our present num nuts that are waiting to perform the NEXT worst shooting in U.S. history.
I do have a right to say this. A) I was an English major (had to play the game to get my piece of paper). B) I have already been labeled by society as having Emotional Disturbance (though thankfully its possible to be emotionally disturbed and not have a thought to hurting others and may I say, even myself). If this guy was so scary, take that info and apply it to the other loners, the other people trying to threaten (like a loser, I might add).
It goes without saying that I feel such a sadness over this. Simultaneously, I feel such anger. I'm so glad I am not involved because it is precisely this anger that would have to be dealt with in order for me to personally go on with my life. I think we now see what a miracle the Amish's forgiveness was in a similar circumstance. Will mothers and fathers be able to rid themselves of the terrible after taste of someone else's supremely selfish (and damnable) acts? I cannot image having to deal with that.
As it is, I must deal with my own personal problems, such as my father's death, the ongoing stuff to take care of that and my own depression where I seem not to care about much. It's hard on my family, let me tell you. I must have been an angel previously, I must have been NICE to my family previously, because they hang in there, they keep speaking to me, they are KIND to me when I am not. And so I know I am blessed.
Imagine, if you will, a knarly lone tree in the middle of a green field. It's a strange tree, all by itself, with all of its branches flowing toward the left.
That would be my lone tree that won't print today on God's blessed Blogger. Fine. I'm no poet, but I just described it. I wanted it to be here at the top.
It's okay to be a lone individual. To be different. The key is to involve yourself in something positive, be it something positive for yourself that nobody sees, or may it flow over and affect other's lives positively.
Sit seething in your anger and it can _only go to bad places_. For YOU. If you find you cannot control your anger you owe it to TALK to someone, because that is a protection of OTHERS if not yourself.
Don't ever think you have the right to _take away (lives)_ from others or use your judgement to hurt others. That will righteously get you in jail, if you're caught by human hands, or into the gates of Hell even if you think you are so swift as to not be judged by humans.
What I don't understand about this situation with the asshole who did what any numnut with way too much rage and _access to guns_, is how they can say 'no one knew him' (aka: no one will take remote responsibility for no one catching the nut job beforehand).
The guy was an English major, a Senior no less, writing such disturbing stuff that he was sent to counseling AND his teacher admitted feeling VERY uncomfortable in his presence. HOW did he get so far in college writing frightening crap, almost graduating no less. THIS ONE THING is what we need to be looking for in our present num nuts that are waiting to perform the NEXT worst shooting in U.S. history.
I do have a right to say this. A) I was an English major (had to play the game to get my piece of paper). B) I have already been labeled by society as having Emotional Disturbance (though thankfully its possible to be emotionally disturbed and not have a thought to hurting others and may I say, even myself). If this guy was so scary, take that info and apply it to the other loners, the other people trying to threaten (like a loser, I might add).
It goes without saying that I feel such a sadness over this. Simultaneously, I feel such anger. I'm so glad I am not involved because it is precisely this anger that would have to be dealt with in order for me to personally go on with my life. I think we now see what a miracle the Amish's forgiveness was in a similar circumstance. Will mothers and fathers be able to rid themselves of the terrible after taste of someone else's supremely selfish (and damnable) acts? I cannot image having to deal with that.
As it is, I must deal with my own personal problems, such as my father's death, the ongoing stuff to take care of that and my own depression where I seem not to care about much. It's hard on my family, let me tell you. I must have been an angel previously, I must have been NICE to my family previously, because they hang in there, they keep speaking to me, they are KIND to me when I am not. And so I know I am blessed.
Monday, April 16, 2007
CafePress: Gone.
Why is CafePress off Tart's blog, Mommy?
Well, because they entirely changed their affiliate program, because they were not making any money, and then turned the entire program over to a different company and no one has yet to make any sense out of it. Not to mention that not a single soul bought anything off the ads in Tart's website. Talk about not feasible in anyone's world, Sweet Darling.
CafePress is gone, off me site. If I make something to sell, I just might let people know. Otherwise I'm not crapping up my site with useless blinking ads that nobody cares about. Well, you lose some you learn some.
Well, because they entirely changed their affiliate program, because they were not making any money, and then turned the entire program over to a different company and no one has yet to make any sense out of it. Not to mention that not a single soul bought anything off the ads in Tart's website. Talk about not feasible in anyone's world, Sweet Darling.
CafePress is gone, off me site. If I make something to sell, I just might let people know. Otherwise I'm not crapping up my site with useless blinking ads that nobody cares about. Well, you lose some you learn some.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I'm back.
Yes, I am back.:)
As would probably be expected, I don't return on a high. After all, it really has been a hell-ified ride/two months.
To go completely out of order, the cruise was lovely. It was really nice to go to warm, happy locations, to be in a place entirely different than usual life. Wow, the timing of everything has been wonderful. And there is no joy in that last sentence. Tidy and convenient does not make a loved one's passing any easier or better. I would prefer that Dad was checking up on my blog and that I could talk to him. That we could have done something to keep this from happening.
I hope I don't have to return to Dad's other state (to say 'home state' wouldn't be right, since that's the one I do live in and not the far off one he was banished to late in life). It's depressante, a small town, with small minds and my Dad was the bipolar pack rat with MANY interests - my work there (going through all his things with most things being donated) was hell, body and soul. My knees never ached so much my whole life. My back hurt, not just from the lower but all the way up. I wished to find a tiny asian person to step on my back for me. Never did a person deserve a damn back massage and frankly I still haven't got one. I don't know what that was about, but I felt 92 there.
His cat I had to hand over to the only people I could find that were at all enlightened. You see, in Hellville, there's a feral cat on every lawn and no comprehension or desire to have an indoor cat that is kept safe, fed, or treated well. I thought it was an uphill battle to get proper homes in my area. There, its not only unheard of, but people literally see no reason to do right for cats. And Dad was an intelligent guy, and a loving one and his cat was taken care of - never stepped outside his apartment ever, and so on. She also had special significance in my mind as she was the only other living soul to be there when Dad's soul left his body and this earth. I'm just going to say that it would be hard for anyone to be good enough for that cat, but luckily the people who have her now have some incentive - the Dad in their family is an EMT and was there that day and attempted to resuscitate my Dad. I don't think that's too hard for even a dumb yokel to get the picture and treat the cat well. Thankfully. Because I tried to get her back. But they were too sneaky for me. Bastards.
Well, the next thing for me personally is the one thing that has been important for a while. Oh you haven't heard about this? Yes you have! The important are always the HARD things that keep creeping up, over and over and over again. If it matters, its an uphill constant problem. Of course you know that!!
Yes, I'm back to working on losing weight. You see, my dumb ass husband, with about as much thoughtfulness asked me for the fortimillionth time last night, "Why you gotta hog?" in reference to my evening snacking. He did this one in front of a friend. Oh I don't know, I got pissed. I am pissed. So, for my own reasons I am using the same power (willpower.) used to quit smoking, to simply say no to food. Certainly at night. And I'll be using it dayside too. I spent countless time with my Weight Watcher's food tracker this evening. It took me so long to discover where the part was that I could type my blah blah notes in that I was breaking out in frustrating tears. Let it be noted. I'm losing the weight this time. And I don't even care if it takes the latent anorexic abilities that I am sure lie within me to complete the job. Now, if you just googled anorexic and found yourself here, I can do nothing but laugh at you because I'm the fattest anorexic you've ever seen. But hey, we have to start somewhere. I'm not surprised I'm such a late bloomer either. After all, the illness (bipolar) screwed the timing for everything in my life, why should anorexia not start at 35? I'm not trendy, I'm in it for the results.
When I get all my books that I picked out from Dad's 3,000 or so - that is no lie - I might be a source of help and spiritual understanding to many, since those were my favorites amongst his things. He liked to call it 'mental magic,' I just call it Dad's self help section of his personal librabry. I also will have several hundred photos - a scrapbook opportunity that only a disabled bipolar with no job could have the time to relish the making of. I'm proud to say that of the many other religions Dad looked at and researched he unmistakably was interested in the Bible, as he well should - my Grandma taught him right - and I'll be able to study the tome until *I* die since he's got great stuff on that. I love his books on organization, procrastination - you know all the stuff that did him such great good. Sigh.
As would probably be expected, I don't return on a high. After all, it really has been a hell-ified ride/two months.
To go completely out of order, the cruise was lovely. It was really nice to go to warm, happy locations, to be in a place entirely different than usual life. Wow, the timing of everything has been wonderful. And there is no joy in that last sentence. Tidy and convenient does not make a loved one's passing any easier or better. I would prefer that Dad was checking up on my blog and that I could talk to him. That we could have done something to keep this from happening.
I hope I don't have to return to Dad's other state (to say 'home state' wouldn't be right, since that's the one I do live in and not the far off one he was banished to late in life). It's depressante, a small town, with small minds and my Dad was the bipolar pack rat with MANY interests - my work there (going through all his things with most things being donated) was hell, body and soul. My knees never ached so much my whole life. My back hurt, not just from the lower but all the way up. I wished to find a tiny asian person to step on my back for me. Never did a person deserve a damn back massage and frankly I still haven't got one. I don't know what that was about, but I felt 92 there.
His cat I had to hand over to the only people I could find that were at all enlightened. You see, in Hellville, there's a feral cat on every lawn and no comprehension or desire to have an indoor cat that is kept safe, fed, or treated well. I thought it was an uphill battle to get proper homes in my area. There, its not only unheard of, but people literally see no reason to do right for cats. And Dad was an intelligent guy, and a loving one and his cat was taken care of - never stepped outside his apartment ever, and so on. She also had special significance in my mind as she was the only other living soul to be there when Dad's soul left his body and this earth. I'm just going to say that it would be hard for anyone to be good enough for that cat, but luckily the people who have her now have some incentive - the Dad in their family is an EMT and was there that day and attempted to resuscitate my Dad. I don't think that's too hard for even a dumb yokel to get the picture and treat the cat well. Thankfully. Because I tried to get her back. But they were too sneaky for me. Bastards.
Well, the next thing for me personally is the one thing that has been important for a while. Oh you haven't heard about this? Yes you have! The important are always the HARD things that keep creeping up, over and over and over again. If it matters, its an uphill constant problem. Of course you know that!!
Yes, I'm back to working on losing weight. You see, my dumb ass husband, with about as much thoughtfulness asked me for the fortimillionth time last night, "Why you gotta hog?" in reference to my evening snacking. He did this one in front of a friend. Oh I don't know, I got pissed. I am pissed. So, for my own reasons I am using the same power (willpower.) used to quit smoking, to simply say no to food. Certainly at night. And I'll be using it dayside too. I spent countless time with my Weight Watcher's food tracker this evening. It took me so long to discover where the part was that I could type my blah blah notes in that I was breaking out in frustrating tears. Let it be noted. I'm losing the weight this time. And I don't even care if it takes the latent anorexic abilities that I am sure lie within me to complete the job. Now, if you just googled anorexic and found yourself here, I can do nothing but laugh at you because I'm the fattest anorexic you've ever seen. But hey, we have to start somewhere. I'm not surprised I'm such a late bloomer either. After all, the illness (bipolar) screwed the timing for everything in my life, why should anorexia not start at 35? I'm not trendy, I'm in it for the results.
When I get all my books that I picked out from Dad's 3,000 or so - that is no lie - I might be a source of help and spiritual understanding to many, since those were my favorites amongst his things. He liked to call it 'mental magic,' I just call it Dad's self help section of his personal librabry. I also will have several hundred photos - a scrapbook opportunity that only a disabled bipolar with no job could have the time to relish the making of. I'm proud to say that of the many other religions Dad looked at and researched he unmistakably was interested in the Bible, as he well should - my Grandma taught him right - and I'll be able to study the tome until *I* die since he's got great stuff on that. I love his books on organization, procrastination - you know all the stuff that did him such great good. Sigh.
Friday, April 6, 2007
That's not an apology!
Um, as you can tell I was rotten angry when I wrote my last post. I'm not taking it down because I do think the Iranian government sucks a big one. But I was not suggesting in any way that the Christian thing to do was bomb them. I think anyone with small clues to being a proper Christian can see that He wouldn't sanction that one. Well, maybe - you know He did get mad about things, but only the really important stuff. I admit to be a learner, not a teacher of His ways.
No, bombs and such were just what I inwardly felt, when I see them get away with terrorizing innocent people. Thinking that they are getting away with patronizing us about our own Christianity is rilesome as well. For instance, we could round up some Iranians in a detention camp and let them out on Muhammad's birthday, whenever the hell that is, to show our good faith. That's what I'm talking about - it just aint right.
Let's face it, the world is not going to get anything but scarier, more terrorized especially in some parts of the world as time goes on. We have a fine chapter in the Bible about it and I really should read it sometime to get caught up on the details. I'm just being truthful, I'm not as learned on that stuff as I should be. I'm definitely a bipolar with occasional rage issues, but again, that's just me.
Oh, see 'you guys' in a week. I'm on vaa-ca-tion.
No, bombs and such were just what I inwardly felt, when I see them get away with terrorizing innocent people. Thinking that they are getting away with patronizing us about our own Christianity is rilesome as well. For instance, we could round up some Iranians in a detention camp and let them out on Muhammad's birthday, whenever the hell that is, to show our good faith. That's what I'm talking about - it just aint right.
Let's face it, the world is not going to get anything but scarier, more terrorized especially in some parts of the world as time goes on. We have a fine chapter in the Bible about it and I really should read it sometime to get caught up on the details. I'm just being truthful, I'm not as learned on that stuff as I should be. I'm definitely a bipolar with occasional rage issues, but again, that's just me.
Oh, see 'you guys' in a week. I'm on vaa-ca-tion.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Bomb em rotten, right into the StoneAge - right in time for Easter (blessings to you!)
Well, now that Iran has released Western sailors I do believe its time to bomb the f*ck out of them, don't you?
When known bullies do bad rotten things they get punished. The cops go to their house and take 'em down. Don't tell me we don't know where President Whatever of Iran lives. Bomb the fucks. Pay the price. Don't let them get away with it. Presidente Bush has made it clear he doesn't negotiage with anyone, not even the American people. Fine. I'm all for that. If you're gonna cut ties with everybody including the ties that hold you up, have the decency to give us all a little satisfaction and bomb em, behead them, start a little military coup. Make it interesting for me, G*ddamn it but make those motherf*ck*rs pay the price.
Here's what gets me the most. THEY (as in the Iranians) think this is all some fabulous media blitz and LOOK what huge favors they have performed for the West. I paid close to attention to this one - they said they are releasing the prisoners in and I quote, "In Celebration of Christ's Death."
That's it, "Christ Death." and blah, blah about Muhammad. Easter is NOT about Christ's DEATH. That was but a momentary 3 day long thing. It is about His RISING from the grave and being a permanent source as a risen Supreme Being. Are these people devil worshippers delighting in His horrible man-made death? No Christian celebrates the Death of Jesus. They wait with hope and celebrate the incredible miracle of His love. What is the deal - the spin makers and media cranks for President Whatever of Iran couldn't get it right? Never the heard the Good News apparently and certainly didn't think people would care about the VERY TELLING SEMANTICS of what their sick statement about Easter REALLY says? Bomb the f*ckers. Jesus would say turn the other cheek and let them take Irish Air Men next time, so no I'm not being very Christian about the whole thing (admittedly, not at all!) but let's not have a bunch of Muslim fucknut liars who think they're pulling the wool over our eyes and having a personally orchestrated media frenzy define what Christianity is or how 'kind' they are by 'respecting' it. What a load of crap.
When known bullies do bad rotten things they get punished. The cops go to their house and take 'em down. Don't tell me we don't know where President Whatever of Iran lives. Bomb the fucks. Pay the price. Don't let them get away with it. Presidente Bush has made it clear he doesn't negotiage with anyone, not even the American people. Fine. I'm all for that. If you're gonna cut ties with everybody including the ties that hold you up, have the decency to give us all a little satisfaction and bomb em, behead them, start a little military coup. Make it interesting for me, G*ddamn it but make those motherf*ck*rs pay the price.
Here's what gets me the most. THEY (as in the Iranians) think this is all some fabulous media blitz and LOOK what huge favors they have performed for the West. I paid close to attention to this one - they said they are releasing the prisoners in and I quote, "In Celebration of Christ's Death."
That's it, "Christ Death." and blah, blah about Muhammad. Easter is NOT about Christ's DEATH. That was but a momentary 3 day long thing. It is about His RISING from the grave and being a permanent source as a risen Supreme Being. Are these people devil worshippers delighting in His horrible man-made death? No Christian celebrates the Death of Jesus. They wait with hope and celebrate the incredible miracle of His love. What is the deal - the spin makers and media cranks for President Whatever of Iran couldn't get it right? Never the heard the Good News apparently and certainly didn't think people would care about the VERY TELLING SEMANTICS of what their sick statement about Easter REALLY says? Bomb the f*ckers. Jesus would say turn the other cheek and let them take Irish Air Men next time, so no I'm not being very Christian about the whole thing (admittedly, not at all!) but let's not have a bunch of Muslim fucknut liars who think they're pulling the wool over our eyes and having a personally orchestrated media frenzy define what Christianity is or how 'kind' they are by 'respecting' it. What a load of crap.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
I'm here, Spring is sprung, and you get to go WHERE!!?
How amazing Spring!I've done a major modify and I choose Spring as my favorite season. I like the budding beauty, the impossible not to notice flowers and trees everywhere. You could drive off the side of the road from all the beauty nature is shoving forth.
Yes! The Tart is back!
I told you it would happen. You can count on it, just like Spring is purty.
Well, this short time period has not been without its issues. I'm debating how deeply to go into things. I can say that my Dad's service was lovely. It's not something that you look forward to doing or want to do, but I'm proud to say that I was able to stand and speak as well as read the obituary I wrote for him. That being my previous 'profession' well, it kicked ass just like you would expect it to. It wasn't hard because he was an amazing man. (And neither he nor I would ever have to jump up and down on a couch to prove it. :)
Well, the one thing that has helped so much through this time is this nifty little device that Husband found at the drug store. I'm telling you this thing is worth its weight several times in gold and has really and truly changed my life. I'm talking about my pillbox timer.
Made by Timex, the best part about it is it makes the Med Experience fun! It does this because I still haven't gotten over the fact that it speaks - Take pillbox 1, Take pillbox 1 - yes, it SAYS that. It's a simple concept - set the alarm for when to take your meds, up to 6 possible alarms, you don't have to use them all.This little beauty cost approximately $15.
I ACTUALLY GET UP IN THE A.M. NOW!!!! This my friends, is a Holy Miracle.
I had important work in the past two weeks. I couldn't sleep till 2 p.m. and get away with it. Even if I'm not perfect and getting super early, I get up when my pillbox SAYS so and start my day. This is a God send for me, and I'm sharing with the Internet universe. I can take a picture of the thing and put it up. I think it is so helpful for people like me who have to take meds consistently every day day. It's hard for everyone to keep up with it, even if you mean well and are responsible and know that taking meds is key to health and in fact, key to mental power.
I am so beastly, guess what!! I am going to be gone AGAIN! I get to go on an Easter cruise!! Yes, I know you are saying it couldn't happen to a nicer and more deserving person (besides yourself, right?) Well, this has been planned for months, via my MIL for herself, FIL and all of her children and grandchildren. I will be hitting Key West and the Bahamas (just in time for AN's baby DNA testing debacle!) Maybe I can get tickets! :( Ouch, that's just a little too truthful. Never did someone need a vacation, hun. We are so ready to go, except of course we are not 'READY' still getting a kennel, packing, the gammut.
Not if all THAT wasn't enough, and if my Dad passing wasn't enough, we had a BIG problem because when I submitted my (original) birth certificate with my passport application (something that for some very dumb reason family wanted us to do. You don't NEED a passport to get on a cruise, but you must at LEAST have your birth certificate) the State Department (I'm not making this up. I have too much juicy non-fiction in my life to even start thinking fiction) sent me a letter wanting all kinds of id and enough info to issue me a security clearance along with my passport. That means the little bastards have my b.c. So, we sent away for a replacement b.c and luckily RECEIVED it after a very tense week of 'oh hell, what are we going to do.'
So, one serious hurdle overcome. Yaaaaaaaay!
Then today, Husband started having very sharp lower back pains. God bless his fortitude, he actually made an appointment with his doctor where he diagnosed him with a kidney stone. They were making us wait for a referral to a urologist, but Husband was in so much pain they finally came to their senses and told us to go the emergency room. When we got there, they asked him to rate his pain on a level of one to ten, and bless his heart, he said nine. It hurt so much that he couldn't help but cry a little. Well, they doped him up in no time, took a CAT scan and said it was a small stone and that it would pass on its own and at home. So, lots of water and a little strainer to catch that puppy when it emerges. You have to save it for the urologist to analyze.
He is going to be fine. All this did was cut down a day for me to get a lot of things done. It also proved that I'm a fine advocate. Believe it or not, I know how to be nice enough to get things done, but tenacious and tough enough to get things done. Which I did wonder about me, since my 'mom skills' don't get tested on a daily basis. It's nice to know they are there if needed.
So, once again, I'll be gone for a week after this Friday, returning the next Friday. Have a fabulous Easter. :)
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