Who's 'silent?' and new things comin'

I got one of those 'thirty zillion things about you' emails, you know - friend fills it out about them, then you're supposed to fill out about you and send it back. I got a shock when one of the questions was 'Who amongst all your friends is the most silent?' and my friend said me.

I know I have this 'problem,' being silent or closing up, shutting down, or even not sharing. Most of the time when it gets pointed out to me, I am shocked some, mostly because I don't think of other people trying to figure me out or thinking of me. But when I get over those things, it doesn't really shock me that I'm perceived that way.

It's a defense mechanism. Darlings, its part of being bipolar.

I 'have to' shut down in an effort to protect me.

Perhaps its because I'm sensitive and it doesn't take much for me to get hurt, but I do, get hurt that is. So what does one do to protect from that? They shut down, don't share, close up and stay in some safe location and busy themselves with other things. Thankfully, there are other things for a person like that to busy themself with.

Oh I'm delightful, a wonderful person. But so many people are judgemental hags and hagamerers and it feels to me to be just not be worth it. In my mind that is their loss, but sure it hurts anyone to be alone endlessly.

Turns out that many bipolars have a problem with 'antisocial behavior.' Honestly, I don't think its going to far to say that it's just hard to be those intelligent creative types (perhaps I am only describing myself), but its certainly d*mn hard to live with this illness. Hard on the person, hard on anyone around them. You do need a support system, and that's something to hone and get, which thankfully I've got, but after that people can just go to hell.

I say all that because in the history of this blog, I don't think I've touched on that particular topic. And I think A) I'm not the only one, B) it's worth talking about because it's a real issue. We need to stop being embarassed or not talking about our issues because people die never knowing how alike and similarly smitten we are!

It's just the way we get sometimes, like sometimes we get elated as h*ll, we get depressed as h*ll, we bawl, we laugh ~ and sometimes all of this in a 20 minute period.

You can't live a life like that and not have some introspection or for that matter blind acceptance. To suffer so much, one cannot help but ask questions of why, why do I have this, why God do you hate me so much, when are you going to start helping me, make this STOP. And when you're feeling good, you recognize it so much, (dare I say more than a normie that wasn't crying a few mere minutes ago?) and say a Thank you prayer and then blindly hope it will stay for a while.

So if that sounds fantastic to you, as an outsider, why aren't you knocking the bp's door down every morning to have tea/coffee, or calling all the time, or wanting to be around them all the time. Perhaps they scare you, as they scare themselves. Perhaps nothing in the paragraph above sounded like Garden Club conversation or Game night invitee material. I certainly would question it, if it weren't my life.

So, the upshot is, removal of my person from activities A) keeps me from having to use my social skills which are pretty shot or never existed, granted, but B) most of all is a protection for you, dear outsider, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS? If so, you ARE a fantastic person. If not, don't feel bad, you're just like everyone else.

I am going to be starting some new things, I think. I am thinking of starting a blog of my accomplishments, things I've made, whether it be food, my crochet and other fiber arts and other things (I swear I have more accomplishments, somewhere!). Also I am considering doing some things with Cafepress.com here on the blog. Selectively selling other people's stuff and DRUMROLL...creating my own things for selling.

Also, I am delving into some 'new' arts for myself - relearning knitting, as it is crucial in making some of the things I want to do, and I'm thinking about polymer clay, potentially as something I maaaaybe could sell, if I show a knack. I already know how to crochet.

Also, I still have my burning dream to have a farm, a place of rolling pasture and space. I have been looking into what kinds of animals, etc. I could use to help me afford it all and I am again really excited about alpacas. The industry of caring for and turning precious alpaca fur into yarn and items pretty much fits into everything I love about animals, fiber arts, the whole shebang. Turns out that this is not as crazy or misguided of a dream as one might think, because within mere minutes of me are alpaca farms already living the life and I will be contacting and inquiring with them.

Maybe that one is a big dream. There's no reason not to dream, so I'm gonna.

HOLY COW!! Nothing feels as good as...

WORKING SO HARD to get that dagone (!#(@&!!!! Anne Nicole Smith slideshow to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to larn a little html.

Hmmm...can I make money doin' that????!!!!!! I feel so invigorated and down right smart for tracking down four letters and a slash that were holding up the whole thing.

Seriously, calling all html working individuals out there - can you 'html' and work from home?

I'M SO HAPPY, LA LA LALALALALALA LAAAAAAA!!!!

i'M Taking some time off now. Must....rest........:)

Apology to my readers.

Since I can't stay up until 3 a.m. waiting to find out why it is so difficult to post a slideshow from Photobucket, I apologize deeply, to those that wait in suspense, that you can't see the wonderful pink monstrosity that was planned in the middle of my post below.

Why it should be so difficult for the widgets to parse and just show the show, I may never know. Those pesky widgets, why can't they get along??!

I will keep everyone posted as to if Photobucket will continue being my photo/slideshow host of choice or if the search for a reliable working site will in fact have to begin.

Thank you for your patience.
'Tart

I don't turn on my computer for one whole day, so imagine my shock at dinner (at a restaurant) when husband asks, "Have you heard?" No, I say, what's going on? He says, "Anna Nicole is dead."

Holy cr*p, that was a SHOCK! And I pretty much said so, so dumba**es are looking at me from other tables. I mean to give me this kind of information in PUBLIC, I'm not so sure it was a good tactic.

Yes, she was white trash tacky ~ for those of you who refuse to realize there are such things ~ yet delightful and devilishly interesting. And she pretty much exploited herself onscreen in front of our eyes, doing everything but pulling up her underdrawers and flushing for our benefit - and a heck of a lot of us LOVED it and her all the same.

That was the good part probably. The bad was a crazy life that invited lawsuits and true traumatic tragedy. I can't imagine a person as emotionally fragile as she obviously was to not dabble in things to kill the pain. I honestly don't see her strong enough to consider refraining from it, and there's not a heck of lot of people that would blame her.




This particular showing is my favorite of hers. After losing the flab with Trim Spa pills, she does her first catwalk in a long time. On television it was unreal, like her big pink glossy buzoom was going to jiggle right out of this craziness. She was quoted as saying she was afraid she would fall on her face in her spiky stilletos. Fall indeed.


The good times. (December, 2004)


The love of her life. (R.I.P. together)


Ms. Smith had the ability to clean up and fight her fights all the way to the top. Ever a source of fascination. Oh, and I liked her latest Jewish choice of a boyfriend/husband. He's seems like a nice boy. (February 28, 2006)



Anna Nicole Smith 1967-2007 Obviously not an easy life, but thank you for sharing it with us. I for one, wish you well. :)


Today's photo salaciousness was snagged in its entirety from newsday.com. Slideshow and pic hosting by Photobucket.

After emailing Photobucket and being given more codes that did not work, without explanation of why widgets don't parse, I used my Googling skills and found ImageShack.

I could have fallen madly in love with ImageShack were it not for the fighting I must do to find the 'hidden' html issue that is giving blogger fits and won't let me publish.

I am, however, much more thrilled with the new ImageShack since the tiny, three picture slideshow ACTUALLY SHOWS in Preview! Hallelujah!!! This makes me continue to try to get the d*mn thing to show. If it does, I went to go relax with wine and put my feet up (and I don't even drink people!!!)

Winter! Shminter!! :) This too shall pass.

The whole Winter thing happens year after year, with the same results every time. Yes, you get scenes like this...

Country ranch in Oregon, during Winter (Webshots)

And this...

Covered Bridge, New Hampshire (Webshots)

But none of that is going to keep this...

Spring Flowers (Webshots)

...from happening!!

Oh, and I recently found the following in a torn out page of last year's (just to show how cyclical these things are) 'First' magazine. If you are feeling the typical winter blues these days don't let it get you too down because A) you're in the same boat as a lot of other nifty people, and B) I promise, if you hang in there, this too shall pass. :)

Without further ado,

7 signs it's been too cold for too long:

1. You've had so many comfort foods that a salad actually sounds appealing.

2. Three words: Permanent. Hat. Head.

3. That snowman out front has stuck around so long, you're thinking of charging him rent.

4. Snow boots are such a staple, you're sure you've forgotten how to walk in heels.

5. You've vowed that the groundhog will see his shadow - no matter what.

6. The weatherman is starting to run out of ways to say "It's cold."

7. You have to beg the dog to go outside. (I am so there.)

Haven't gotten there yet? Oh you will get there, oh yes... you will. (Think menacing, like Yoda to the young Luke in "A New Hope." Hmm...methinks Tart watched 'Star Wars' recently, me does. :))

My prescription: Continually glances at those 'Spring Flowers.' They're comin' people, they really are! :)

Apparently, I am having Seroquel 'kick me bottom' side effects.

Don't get me wrong: I like the 'quel, it is my friend. It keeps me from going nutsky from never sleeping by utterly drugging me into bed. (It doesn't take advantage of me either, except to give me awful, vivid, nutty, crazy nightmares that make me want to run and scream in the middle of the night, if only I could move. That is all.)

Am I fatter? I think I might be. I'm now logging my weight in with an extremely well known weigh loss chain computer online weight loss tracker, and my weight continues to hover in the 'fattest 'Tart's ever been region' although I may have gone down a bit!! This isn't going to help others searching for the f'n magical cure cause I am not prepared to talk about that yet.

Proven fact: Our (that would be bipolar) meds plump us bp's up. More of us to love.

Alright, well regardless of all that Seroquel is meant to make you tired at night, the usual appropriate time to take it, but sadly that can go right into day. No, my psych did not ever explain this to me. Maybe because I have a college degree and it was thought unnecessary. Maybe because he just don't care.

So the long winded point of all of this is, I woke up after 11 a.m. (!), its now 1:18 p.m. and I think I may be waking up.

Sometimes I wake up at 2 p.m. The day is pretty much shot.

Maybe if I had a job I'd try harder. Hunh. Considering the chump change I made my whole life with that job thing, I'll let the chumps keep playing that game. Not to mention I'm no longer wasting my time doing what someone else wants me to do to. Period.

Wasting it for myself, on the other hand, is now what it's all about.

Maybe I could go for more schooling, in whatever capacity. Hunh. That does in fact get my mind going. But you have to care. And bipolar meds are great for making you not give a dmn. Or just want to shoot yourself over the guilt of being a sloth. I'm just stating a fact. I'm not there right now.

Now, if I could just wake up earlier. And not be so damn sleepy that I either want to go back to bed again (except for those dmn nightmares!) or live as a comatose item in front of my computer screen waiting for wakefulness to occur. Only have to head back to bed and do it all over again. Arggh.

fuzzy heads unite.

What!? I just woke up! Sheesh! :)